It’s starting to ruin everything.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My (30 F) boyfriend (38 M) is a recovering people pleaser. He’s really worked on himself over the years and by the time we met and started dating, he seemed to have healthy boundaries for himself. For the most part, our relationship is mutually loving and supportive. He tells me often that he’s not used to having a partner that considers his feelings and I’m happy that he feels safe to be himself with me. My issue is that his people pleasing tendencies are still rearing their heads in our sex life and it’s making things less enjoyable.
Our sex life has been inconsistent from the start. When we first began dating, he dealt with performance anxiety so we did not have sex. After a few failed attempts at intimacy, I took sex off the table altogether so that we could focus on building our connection, hoping his anxiety would subside. This actually worked! And we finally began being intimate with each other. Through trial and error, I found toys and positions that really worked for me. I have screaming orgasms whenever things go right. However, when things go “wrong” it ends with my boyfriend freaking out about feeling inadequate because he doesn’t believe I’m enjoying myself. It always leaves me feeling confused, and quite honestly, like he’s overreacting to the circumstances. (So what if a certain position isn’t working out?)
My boyfriend admits that he puts a lot of pressure on himself to please me and says that he will not enjoy sex unless he senses I’m enjoying it too. I’ve explained to him that it puts an unfair onus on me to determine the trajectory of our sex life. There have been instances when he incorrectly perceives that I’m not into the moment and has a big reaction. He’s expressed feeling devastated and disconnected when he feels as though he’s not pleasuring me. When I ask him what he’s into, he gives very vague answers and it always ends with him wanting to please me. He has made it very clear that his motivation for sex is making me orgasm, which theoretically is fine, but I feel like he loses himself in our intimate moments by focusing solely on me. I struggle to talk to him about it because he is so sensitive and his reactions can be big (like storming out of the room). How can I approach the topic with my boyfriend in a way that honors his feelings but also makes clear that his people pleasing is starting to ruin our sex life?
—Not So Pleased
Dear Not So Pleased,
I’m not so convinced that your boyfriend is a “recovering people pleaser.” He sounds like a people pleaser who has acquired some tools to make his tendencies less of a burden, but has retained enough so that “people pleaser” remains a valid designation. Your label for him may be a product of wishful thinking, and you should seriously consider your compatibility with someone whose people pleasing comes without the “recovering” modifier. That is, can you continue to hang with a certified people pleaser?
As you can see, this way of relating to people may have ramifications in the bedroom—his does at least. That said, there are certainly people who derive their sexuality from giving pleasure to others. Your friendly neighborhood cocksucker is one such example. A giver may be just who your boyfriend is. You should, at minimum, accept that if you want to proceed with this relationship.
The other stuff—the outbursts, the open despair, the devastation—is what he should work on. When you’re both feeling good and relaxed with each other, ask if you can talk about sex. Listen to him. If he’s not in the mood for a chat, accept that but ask him to tell you when he is. If a week goes by, bring it up again. Don’t play into his drama by creating a pyrotechnical display to match his—let his freakouts be his alone. If you cannot find a time when he is accepting of such feedback, consider writing a note. Whether spoken or in writing, open with what you like about your sex life. Praise his ability to help you achieve screaming orgasms. Let him know that you appreciate his consideration. And then, approach what you’d like to see improve. Tell him that his stress in turn stresses you out, and that it’s needless. Let him know that in the event that you don’t reach orgasm, you’re fine. You’re down to try again next time. You don’t hold it against him, and in fact, the emphasis on your climaxes brings undue pressure to your sex life. You’d be better off without it.
Validate his feelings. I suspect his sensitivity is part of what you love about him, even if it has a way of presenting in the extreme—if that’s the case, make sure he knows that. But also emphasize that you’d both be way better off if your sex life had less drama attached to it. It’s not that deep! He should turn down his expressions of disappointment for the sake of both of you. You have the rest of your lives to experiment and perfect your sexual dynamic. If he’s the people pleaser that you make him out to be, he should be willing to accept tactful guidance and integrate it.
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Dear How to Do It,
The worst part of being in a long-term monogamous relationship: I miss flirting. And sure, yes, me and my husband “flirt,” but I mean with a stranger or new-to-me friend. The excitement of getting to know someone while also knowing they definitely want to sleep with you! Nothing quite like it. So my confession is that I still do it. In my opinion, I would say it’s harmless. I’ll lightly flirt with a customer at my job who compliments me, that sort of thing. It’s exciting but also makes me feel like I’m doing something a little wrong. Where’s the line and what veers into cheating? I’ve never talked to my husband about it because I really can’t imagine how I’d phrase, “Hey! I’m flirting with other guys here and there because it’s fun but I don’t actually want to be with anyone else. Is that cool?”
—No Harm, No Foul
Dear No Harm, No Foul,
Generally speaking, if you do something that violates your agreement with a partner, it constitutes cheating. The agreement itself can be explicit or implicit. We sometimes are aware of what’s verboten without having to say it out loud. Western culture’s ideal of monogamy takes a lot of behavior off the table without it having to be specified. For example, unless you were explicitly non-monogamous, you sneaking a customer into the stockroom for a quickie would likely cause an uproar if and when discovered by your husband.
However, there are some things that, I think, aren’t quite fair to bar your partner from doing. Masturbating is one of them (provided that the masturbation isn’t so excessive or distracting that it pulls one away from their partnered sexual relationship). Flirting is another. There are degrees toflirting. Moments that are barely distinguishable from friendliness are on one end of the spectrum. “Get inside of me now,” said with husky emphasis is at the other. It seems like you hew way closer to the former. You believe this is harmless. You’re lightly flirting. I’m going to guess that this gives you the kind of charge that tends to come with novelty, and without bringing you anywhere close to the line of cheating. Staying faithful (especially within the constraints of monogamy) can be challenging, and many people need an outlet. It seems like you found one. It’s quite possible that your feelings that your flirting is “a little wrong” may come from explicit or implicit messages from your husband, but it’s also possible that they’re products of guilt in a culture of monogamy that suggests any deviation from blindered devotion from one’s partner is an abomination. Additionally, this flirting may be exciting precisely because it makes you feel like you’re getting away with a little transgression.
This is all up to you to decide. Is the small amount of guilt or uncertainty you feel worth it? Do you think this could lead to actual cheating somewhere down the line? Don’t let it get there. I think you’re OK throwing out passing flirty words to people who come and go in your day-to-day, but if you ever feel a stronger pull toward sex with people who aren’t your husband, talk to him about it. And if you know in your heart that he’d be devastated if he knew you were flirting with customers, you should probably talk about that too. But if he’s generally pretty chill, I think you have plausible deniability.
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Dear How to Do It,
After giving a hard no to anal with my spouse for about five years/entire time we’ve been together (very awful past experiences with it), I recently acquiesced because we’re planning to conceive and I read that it can be easier to give birth/fewer tears and other injury if your pelvic floor—including the anus—is relaxed. I actually REALLY loved it, it was super hot, and afterward, I shared one of my very secretive fantasies for the first time with my partner: I’d love to be DP’ed. And they want this to happen, too/has been a fantasy of theirs! We’re going to make it happen before conception/tackling that.
We’re going to look at Feeld, etc., to find a partner and generally aren’t that concerned with finding the person to do this/that piece of it. However, something I noticed after anal is that, although my butt didn’t hurt (thankfully), I sort of messed up my back from the changing positions and I think generally from being a bit tense for some of the act. How do you all avoid this kind of thing when having sex, including anal, while also bouncing around, being pert, and so on? I’m 35 (queer, F, with a nonbinary partner) and so I’m not as flexible as perhaps I used to be, but I still work out, do yoga, and other activities to try to be limber. I’m also a little worried that doing DP might be even more intense/acrobatic so I want to prepare accordingly. Any suggestions to avoid throwing my back out while living out my fantasies, and general DP tips?
—Baby Got Back
Dear Baby Got Back,
I can relate to your enthusiasm for anal, but not the ensuing pain you report. That may be because I stretch a lot—before and after every workout, and I work out no fewer than five times a week. Yoga is great, but I’m going to encourage you to stretch every day (or most days). When I started doing home workouts during the pandemic, I noticed my lower back was starting to hurt all the time. Superman exercises, in which you lie on the floor facedown with your arms out in front of you and your legs behind and then lift your arms and legs simultaneously, really sorted me out. Here’s an example of what this looks like. Try doing them with your feet together to make them even more challenging. Cat-cows are also your friend. Start on all fours. The cat part of this involves rounding your spine with your tailbone tucked and the crown of your head pointed at the floor. The cow part is just the opposite—your butt is out, your back is curved, your pelvis is tilted, your head is up. Here’s an example. For a wrist stretch, do these with your hand inverted, facing your body. I had some persistent wrist pain previously and that modification knocked it out. At the gym, try Roman chair back extensions (example here), which hit more than just the lower back and are good countermovements to ab work.
Stretching in general (forward folds, calf stretches, quad stretches, shoulder stretches, etc.) should become a priority as you age. There are tons of stretching routines you can find for free on YouTube or paid platforms like Peloton. I recommend figuring out a routine for yourself.
For general DPing tips, I’ve had the most luck when the bottom is riding one of the tops and the other top comes in from behind—basically a cowgirl-doggy combo. Lube is a priority. So is your word being the final word. If you are in pain or uncomfortable, say it. You may even want to establish a safe word. If you’re feeling a bit nervous, you can practice with your spouse and a dildo before inviting your third in.
Oh and just a note about DPing: There are a lot of different varieties. The one you mention—two dicks, two holes—is probably the classic, in terms of what is featured in hetero-leaning porn. Where I’m from (the gay place), we tend to do two dicks in one hole (and it’s the butthole), which is very much not for novices, but which people seem to love (it is pretty neat to not only feel the envelopment of a hole, but also a dick rubbing against yours while inside). The more you know.
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 67-year-old straight male married to a 65-year-old woman for 38 years. We have been monogamous and faithful, raised three great kids, and have had a great sex life. My problem now is the complete falling apart of our sex life for the past five years, which is beginning to take a toll on me and I am looking for a third-party opinion on how to handle this bump in our so far great life together.
About five years ago, my wife stopped kissing me saying that she found the idea of saliva being exchanged gross. Also around the same time she informed me that she no longer wanted to participate in fellatio as her jaw “hurt.” A couple of years ago she said she was having vaginal pain and was very uncomfortable with penetrative sex. Look, we are both medical professionals and I understand the problems with menopause and aging and their impact on women’s sex lives. Accordingly, we discussed this with our physicians and she was prescribed local hormonal creams. About a year ago she stopped that.
She had also previously been on hormone replacement therapy for her menopausal symptoms. She stopped that because she thought her lab work was appearing unhealthy. At the current time, she is completely celibate for about a year, is reluctant to engage in any kind of sexual activity, and almost withdraws when I come on to her. This is starting to impact me now as I now have trouble staying aroused even during rare physical interactions because I am worried that she may actually be cringing inside.
We have discussed this whole problem and her answer is that she has no sex drive left and does not want to do anything about it. She says that I just have a sex drive greater than hers and suggests I masturbate more and stop asking her. For various reasons, ethical nonmonogamy is a non-starter for us. I hate masturbating by myself like a teenager when I am next to this sexually attractive multiorgasmic woman that I absolutely worship and adore. Is therapy my only recourse?
—Am I Making Her Cringe?
Dear Am I Making Her Cringe?,
Your wife says she has no sex drive left and she does not want to do anything about it. Trust her. Even if her issues were possible to overcome via outside means, she’d have to want to overcome them. She does not. You just have to accept that if you’re to make any progress, the only kind of progress here is greater understanding and acceptance. So yes, therapy may do you well. If you could get her in there with you for couples counseling, even better.
This is rough, and I feel for you, but you have summarized how few options you have. Your willingness to stay in this relationship suggests that it’s worth it, despite the lack of sex taking its toll on you. Life is full of sacrifices. Here’s a big one for you.
If non-monogamy is off the table, all you can do is cope. I hope in the process, you do this with compassion. You put scare quotes around “hurt” regarding her reported pain as a result of giving head. Why? She says her jaw hurts. If you reject that, it’s you against her and she’s the one with the sore jaw. Even if she’s lying, her jaw is as good as hurt for all the use that you’ll be getting out of it. Have compassion for yourself, too. Maybe you’ve been spoiled but plenty of adults masturbate by themselves and love it. You aren’t masturbating like a teenager, you’re masturbating like a 67-year-old guy who has no other options by his own election. Own it.
—Rich
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