She will become the neighborhood villain.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Ashley C. Ford is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I live in a murder house. Obviously it wasn’t what I dreamed of for my future home, but it was a good price for what I got and I’m not a superstitious man. I’ve been here for five years now and have had no sign of ghosts. My dog sometimes stares at nothing, but he’s old and was never that bright. The problem is that I just found out that my girlfriend is planning to have a Halloween party at the house themed around the murder. She’s sold tickets to her friends—apparently, she plans to set up a seance.
I’ve tried to talk to her about this and she says that she doesn’t know why I care when I don’t believe in ghosts (she does), and I won’t even be there anyhow since I’ll be away for work. I think she wasn’t even planning on telling me about it. This is in such bad taste that I don’t understand how she can’t see it. No one will be happy about this. People on my street remember the woman who used to live in the house, her family still lives in town. I strongly suspect my girlfriend is going be the villain of the week on social media if this goes ahead. Also, while I don’t believe in spirits, it was a real person who died. They don’t deserve their death to become a sideshow.
How do I stop it though? I’ve told her “no” already, but one of her friends let slip that it’s still supposed to be going ahead. She seems hell-bent on doing this and I worry even breaking up with her won’t put her off pushing ahead with the party. I can’t call the police and ask them to watch my house in case there’s a party and most of my friends are her friends too so I don’t know if I could trust them to house-sit. At this point, I’ve asked my boss if there’s any way someone else could take over the on-site inspection for the company that week just so I can be at home to fend off any partygoers. If that isn’t possible, though, I’m not sure what I can do to stop her. That sounds ridiculous, I know, but I’d really expected “no” to work. (I haven’t broken up with her yet, I do plan to. Although she might beat me to the punch, at this point I’m half-convinced she only dated me so she could throw this party.)
—Bad Taste Halloween
Dear Bad Taste Halloween,
If you’re going to break up with her anyway, what’s the problem with limiting, or denying, her access to your house? She can’t make you have a party you don’t want to have. I don’t think this is an issue for the police, but it is certainly the right time to tell all of your friends that not only do you not want this party, you don’t want them to attend if she attempts to throw it behind your back. Take back your keys and change your locks—do what you have to do.
I have to say, what kind of strange adult would want to throw a party in someone else’s home without their permission? And that’s not even to mention her… concerning preoccupation with the murderous history behind your home. It’s time for her to go, and for you to cough up the funds for a house-sitter with good references.
How to Get Advice
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
For years, I’ve been the emotional caregiver in my relationships. Darren, my ex, was the prime example. I practically molded him into the man I thought he could be. I poured myself into him—my time, my energy, my heart. But when I needed him to support me, to stand by me as I pursued my career, he walked away and left me behind like all the effort I invested meant nothing.
Then, just as I was trying to move on, Darren came back. He said he’d changed and that he was ready for real commitment. Foolishly, I let him in again, hoping things would be different this time. But soon enough, I found out that after we broke up, he started dating younger women—as in 10 years younger. It felt like I was suddenly thrust into a competition I didn’t even realize I was part of. I’m 30, and now my age feels like a constant reminder that I’m being measured against someone younger, fresher. I obsess over every wrinkle, laugh line, and sign of aging. It’s exhausting.
Part of this is deeply rooted in how I was raised. The voice of Jeff, my stepfather, has always been in my head, even though I wish it wasn’t. Growing up, he made sure I knew I would never be good enough. “Prettier girls will always win,” he’d say. “Men only care about youth and beauty.” What kind of person says that to a child? I was trying to find myself, and instead, he made sure I knew my value had an expiration date. And now, with Darren chasing younger women, it feels like Jeff’s toxic prophecy is coming true. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m trapped in the future he predicted for me.
My mother passed away two years ago, and Jeff recently remarried. His new wife? She’s my age. The man who spent my entire life drilling it into me that my worth would plummet at 30 went and married a woman who could have been my classmate. The day of their wedding, Jeff was beaming with pride, while I stood there, barely able to contain my rage and disgust. After all those years of degrading me, he marries a younger woman. It felt like some cruel joke. I was barely able to stop myself from screaming at Jeff and confronting him right then and there. Literally the only thing that stopped me was realizing Jeff’s new wife was innocent in this and not wanting to ruin her big day. But that’s not even the darkest part.
After years of resenting Jeff for making me feel worthless, I’ve come to realize something horrifying: There’s a part of me that believes him. I’ve spent my entire life trying to fight his words, to prove I’m more than my looks, but here I am, acting like they’re true. Whereas before Darren and I were equals, he now has the upper hand. I’m desperate for his attention, even though I hate myself for it. Worse, I’ve caught myself enjoying the idea of being the one to “fix” him again, to pull him away from the younger women when they inevitably disappoint him. It’s like I’m addicted to the role of the emotional teacher. I feel like I’m living in the role Jeff wrote for me years ago. It seems like my choices are either bitter old maid spinster, or compliant, subservient girlfriend to Darren, always looking over my shoulder hoping a younger woman doesn’t snatch him up from me. Help me, because I don’t know how to stop letting my stepfather’s hurtful prophecy sabotage my life.
—Past Perfect
Dear Past Perfect,
It’s a shame that more adults don’t really consider the weight of their words in the mind of a child. I wish Jeff had been more careful when he spoke to you. But now, you’re an adult. You can see things clearly. Ask yourself, why would a man want to be with a woman young enough to be his daughter? Why would a man want to be with a woman who needs to fix him? Why would a man want his stepdaughter to believe that her value in the eyes of men diminishes as she gains wisdom, a sense of self, and a broader view of the world? Because a woman who thinks of herself as nothing when a man degrades her, who tries to help him instead of denying him access, and who embraces the lies he tells her is a woman who gives him everything, and demands nothing for herself. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, doesn’t it?
Jeff’s “prophecy” is the same old bitterness men who can’t live up to the women their own age have been spewing for a long, long time, and they only do it because it works. Because it leaves them with all the power and options that come from growing older without actually ever having to grow up. Please, don’t let broken men put you in competition with younger women. You’re not competing with younger women, and in the realest, truest versions of love, no man would put you in that position. You can get hurt while in love, but love isn’t supposed to hurt. You have so many more choices than you can see right now. Get away from Darren as fast you can, grieve the time you spent with him, and give yourself the space you need to let those better options for a happier life come into view.
Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life?
Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are on our second marriages and working on blending our family. We have two kids (13/15) from my previous marriage that he has stepped up to be their dad. One thing that we’re not in agreement on is our sleeping schedules. We moved into our house together after marriage and have been navigating this for about six months. He’s a night owl and I am an early riser. We both work from home so we have plenty of time to talk throughout the day, but he’ll take a nap in the afternoon and afterschool tasks, dinner, practices, and pick ups will be my responsibility from 3p.m. to 10 p.m. He works overnight on Friday and Saturday for additional money so the weeknights are our time to fall asleep together. He’ll wake up from an afternoon nap and then chill downstairs or barely engage with us upstairs and then wants to have an update on how things with me and kids are going when I come to bed. He says it’s equal me having time to myself from 5:30 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. while the house is quiet in the morning to meditate. I told him this is not the same and he says he needs his time like I have my time and is not interested in changing because this is important to him. I didn’t see this coming, and I’m tired of asking my husband to fall asleep with me. Are my expectations unreasonable, are these things the same?
—Losing the Fight to Fight
Dear Losing the Fight to Fight,
I’m having a hard time understanding how he determined that his 3 to 10 p.m. “break” is the same as your 5:30 to 6:30 a.m. mediation time. You waking up earlier than the rest of the family to clear your head is not comparable to your partner abdicating any and all contributions during the day. If your husband needs ME time, he should also be considering the schedules and rhythms of the household when he makes that time during the day. That’s part of being an adult, being a parent, and being thoughtful about what your partner has to carry on their own when you’re not around.
Ask him to sit down and make a schedule with you that works for everyone (and if you need help getting through to him about how you both divvy up those afternoon responsibilities, the card game and book Fair Play might be helpful). He can have some time to replenish his energy, but not if it costs you almost all of yours.
Dear Prudence,
My best friend of more than 30 years recently cut her hair short and I hate it viscerally. I hate it because it makes her look older, and I know, I know, this is making me acknowledge that we are both older. I think she likes it because she feels it’s more professional, but I don’t think she would like it if she knew it made her look older. I told her I like it better longer, but I didn’t say why. We’ve always talked about our appearance (Botox, plastic surgery, etc.). I never had anything to say before about her hair because I always loved it. Is there any point in saying anything?
—Hairrified
Dear Hairrified,
Do not say anything. It’s her hair, not yours, and it’s not your responsibility to make it palatable to you or anyone else. If she likes it, that’s the only point that matters.
Dear Prudence,
A couple years ago, I started doing therapy via a phone app (I won’t name it but I’m sure you can narrow it down) to deal with anxiety and self-esteem struggles that I’d had for a long time but were coming to a head. It felt like the best option for me because I live in a relatively rural area where providers are scarce and my therapist being in a different time zone makes it easier to schedule sessions around my work. It has been great to be able to talk to someone and, while I have good days and bad days, I think it has helped overall.
The problem is that I often see things online maligning the app/service I use. Some of it is about business practices and some is anecdotes of people having bad therapy experiences, but there is a lot of rage and disdain out there. I’ve even seen it from people I know, including a close, long-time friend who called it “nefarious.” This friend isn’t against therapy generally (they’ve been doing it on and off for years), but, like a lot of others, they really seem to hate the company I use. I’d like to be more open about my mental health struggles with people in my life, but I’m afraid I’ll be judged for how I’m doing my therapy. I almost didn’t even send this letter because I’m afraid people are going to think I’m like some PR plant for this company (I’m not, I promise)!
Seeing these criticisms make me feel ashamed of my choice, and seeing them from friends makes me feel like I can never talk to them about it. Am I taking all this too personally? Are there problems with these sorts of companies that I just don’t see since this is my first time in therapy? How, if ever, should I bring it up to people in my life without getting blowback?
—Doing Therapy Wrong
Dear Doing Therapy Wrong,
Honey, if it’s working, forget anyone else’s opinion. I’m sure some, maybe even many people, have had bad experiences with this service, but lucky you! You’re having a good one! Don’t let someone else smear their perception all over your reality. Consider yourself fortunate. Also, it’s a great story that out of all the people who have a reason to disdain this company, you found the one real therapist who is just there to make sure you get what you need in the way of mental health services. Even if people judge it, I don’t think it’ll change your long-standing positive outcomes. If it’s important to you to bring it up with the people in your life, know that you can’t control how they react to that information. However, I would hope that a good friend could hear your experience and be supportive. And as that little fish says, “Just keep swimming.”
—Ashley
Classic Prudie
My future mother-in-law would like to wear her wedding dress to our wedding. I’m less concerned about the dress and more concerned about what this says about our future relationship. She is a very kind, considerate person, and I am certain that she knows this is not a very nice thing to do.
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