Her “cottage core” fantasy will not be my nightmare.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My sister is miserable, and it is all her own making. After she got married, she got obsessed with all these cottage core influencers and was convinced that they had to raise their kids in the country. So they moved 10 hours away, bought a hobby farm, and my brother-in-law took a traveling job to make ends meet. My sister had one baby, then two, and is currently pregnant with number three. She is constantly complaining. She expects our retired parents to make the trip out to help her every other week and dumps on her husband for not immediately picking up everything after he gets home. Any time someone makes a suggest about how she could eliminate some stress, she bites their head off. Maybe get rid of the goats? Scale down the garden? Get rid of some of the chickens? Move closer to family? Consider putting the kids in daycare and get a part time remote job? We are “unsupportive” and not helping.
I finally passed my year probation at work and got full time benefits—including three weeks of vacation. I was completely over the moon and was talking in our family chat about two weeks to do a tour of some national parks. I always wanted to do this, but never could find the opportunity to go. My sister jumped all over me as being selfish and self-centered for not immediately dropping everything to come help her out on their farm. I told her to get down from her cross and take a long look in the mirror. The only one being selfish and self-centered is her—she has made everyone miserable for years because she is too proud to admit the move was a mistake. I could have been more diplomatic, but I am tired of biting my tongue while she blames everyone else for her choices. Of course, it upset my sister and my parents are unhappy with me about things. I am tired. It has been five years of this misery slog. I am thinking of skipping Thanksgiving and maybe Christmas. What should my moves be after this?
—Miserable in Missouri
Dear Miserable,
It sounds like your sister is used to being indulged, and your refusal to do so feels like a betrayal because no one has ever refused her before. Or, at least, not without paying for it. Her expectation that you would spend your vacation on the same farm that makes her miserable is not only audacious, it’s hilariously sad. One thing farms are good for is learning lessons, and this might be a great way for her to learn a bunch of them at the same time.
Your parents being upset with you instead of her is indicative of a long-standing issue with boundaries when it comes to your sister, and their inability to recognize or accept where they failed in bringing her up. You told your sister the truth and refused to continue to pattern of enabling her entitlement. Good for you. If Thanksgiving and Christmas seem like they’re going to be miserable, it’s fine to skip, but I wouldn’t. I would go, see how things turn out, and if it gets to be too much, leave early. But consider what would be best for you overall.
Dear Prudence,
20 years ago, I had a neighborhood friend. Susan was 10 years younger than me, but her daughter was right in between my two. We had a lot in common and always had things to talk about. Eventually she moved to another state and had three more children. We stayed in touch via phone and email, along with an occasional visit when she was back in our state. I ended up moving overseas for a year and during that stretch it was all email. On my return I looked forward to resuming our calls. That never quite worked, but I continued to email. Over time, Susan stopped responding much. Every so often she would get back to me, full of apologies and thanks that I hadn’t given up on her. But then things trickled even slower. I only received a group email with her family updates. My dad died and then my mother got cancer and died in the same calendar year. Susan called one day while I was helping mom. She left a message saying how she’s working on being better about calling folks. I called her back within an hour, but it went to voicemail. I shared the news about my parents’ deaths in my Christmas card (a printed insert, not a handwritten message), but I never heard from Susan, though she continued to send a Christmas card every year. I was very hurt. Last Christmas, I decided I was done, and I did not send Susan a card. It was finally obvious to me that our friendship was over.
Well wouldn’t you know it? Included in her annual card was a personal note. It had been three years since she called me. I guess 2023 had been a rough year for her since one of her children had been in a very serious accident. She apologized for being a bad friend. I was so confused. Why did she reach out? The only thing I can think of is that during the medical emergency and recovery their family received lots of assistance from friends and maybe she was having regrets about not being a good friend in return? I sat on her note for a couple of months and then finally replied. I sent her a Christmas card with a note. I told her I was happy to hear from her because I had missed her friendship. I gave her a quick update on my family, keeping it brief and cool. I’m not sure what I expected to happen, but was still surprised to just get crickets again. I don’t get it. Why did she reach out? Do I owe her anything? Or should I just cut her off and expect eventually her annual Christmas cards will disappear just like everything else about her?
—Make Up Your Mind!
Dear Your Mind,
I can’t tell you why she reached out, but I can tell you this: Some people aren’t good at being the kind of friend you want. And also, some people aren’t great at being good friends during certain periods of their life. You say that after the inception of your friendship, she moved to another state and had three more children? And one of her children was in a serious accident last year? Sounds overwhelming. Which isn’t to say you haven’t been having some tough moments yourself, and could have used her active friendship during that time. In a perfect world, she would reach out and share, with clarity and compassion, that she’s doing her best, and hopes you can be patient with her continued flakiness. And in an even more perfect world, her communication would make you feel better, your forgiveness would come quickly, and the two of you would resume the level of friendship you had twenty years ago. However, this is not a perfect world, and none of us are perfect people. Most of us do our best, and even then, we can’t do it all.
It’s clear that you miss her friendship, but it looks like she’s not in the right space to show up for you in the way you want, and maybe need, in a friend. If you decide to reach out again, manage your expectations for the timing of a response, if one comes at all. I am always inclined to encourage people to leave room for people they like or love to come back into their lives whenever it makes sense for both parties. Still, I don’t want you in a position where someone continues to break your heart. Ask yourself, “Is this friendship worth the stress it causes me?” Because all relationships will frustrate you from time to time, but it shouldn’t be a constant.
How to Get Advice
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
I raised my two girls in a small, cramped house. Both are adults, but my youngest still lives with me. I finally had enough money to modernize the house. I put in a master bathroom, extended the kitchen, and added an indoor washer and dryer. However, the space of the third bedroom had to be sacrificed. I put in a trundle bed in order to accommodate having a guest room and an office. Now my oldest is upset that when she and her boyfriend visit, they either use the trundle bed to have privacy or sleep on the pull-out couch where I wake them up early when I have to go to work. She accused me of treating the pair of them like “children” and started a fight where she said her sister should give up her room when they visit. My youngest yelled that her sister couldn’t kick her out of her room because she and her boyfriend needed to fuck.
The pair of them always known how to push each other’s buttons, but never as badly as this. My last conversation with my oldest went nowhere. She accused me of siding with her sister and making her feel unwanted. I told her if she needed to move home of course we would rearrange the room, but putting a full-size bedroom would basically take up all of the space. It doesn’t make sense when she is only visiting for a few days. She has stopped speaking to me and rarely answers my texts. I love my daughter, but I am completely exhausted by this. She was happy for me when the renovation started and it wasn’t until she started dating this guy that she has been critical and sharp towards me. What do I do here?
—No Room
Dear No Room,
What else can you do? If she were living there, I would understand making sure the siblings have comparable spaces, if only to avoid the bickering about it. But that isn’t the case here. Your daughter may feel put out by not being able to share a full-sized bed in private with her boyfriend, but the fact of the matter is there is plenty of room for them to sleep comfortably for a few nights in your home. This doesn’t seem to be an issue of favoring one sibling over another, or even having limited options for comfortable places to sleep. It’s about preferences and your oldest daughter not being able to have exactly what she wants. I would understand if there were mobility or sleep issues, but there aren’t. And honestly, it’s not that hard to have sex on a trundle bed.
Dear Prudence,
One of my friends, “Anna,” has a substance abuse problem. We’ve had words about it in the past, but she brushed me off as being controlling. So I dropped the subject and began to distance myself from her. But now, other friends have been sharing their concerns with me. One friend has said she’s not going to invite Anna to her wedding.
There was an incident over the summer and Anna admitted she had a problem, but the next night she was running off to do coke in the bathroom, then complaining that she feels like everyone hates her. We don’t hate her, but I do hate when she goes off the rails. Frankly, I understand why my friend doesn’t want her at her wedding, but Anna will be devastated when the invitations go out. Do I try and talk to her again, or just let the chips fall where they land?
—Sad Sober Friend
Dear Sober Friend,
It could be that Anna is devastated by the lack of an invitation to a friend’s wedding, but it could also be that she doesn’t even notice. It’s not your job to fix or carry this issue, and you definitely don’t want to be accused of trying to be controlling again by attempting to mediate. I think the best thing you can do is, yes, let the chips fall where they land—especially since you’ve already confronted her about the coke problem. In the meantime, think hard about what kind of friendship you hope to have with Anna, and whether or not that requires helping to pick up the chips after they fall. What do you have room for? How vulnerable are you willing to be? Ask yourself these questions, and be honest with yourself about your gut feelings. You may like or even love Anna, and also recognize that the level of friendship she needs at this time is beyond what you can, or are willing, to offer.
Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast
Dear Prudence,
I’m 25 and a transgender man, my stepbrother is 29, and I want to be closer to him, but I’m not sure how. My mom has been with my stepdad since I was 6, and I’m very close with him and his extended family. My stepbrother and I were both predominantly raised by our other parent, so we never fully lived together. We’ve always gotten along, but it’s never really gotten past a surface level. In adulthood, we see each other at family events, and our parents make an effort to have family dinners at least five times a year.
My stepbrother has been dating a girl for the past three years, and he’s been way more distant since. This particularly came to a head last year when the four of us went on a two-week vacation touring the U.S. and his girlfriend really did not get along with my mom. I agree! She can be a lot! But it’s created distance between me and him that I’m finding hard to gap. I also fear that he resents how close I am with what really is his extended family. How can I signal to my stepbrother and his girlfriend that I independently want to be closer to them? I really enjoy their company and have a great admiration for them as people
—Seeking Connection
Dear Seeking,
Reach out! Tell him, “I know things have been off between us since the trip, and I understand that my mom was a lot for [girlfriend] to deal with. I’m not speaking on her behalf or anyone else’s, but I wanted to say that I miss spending time with you. Would there be a good time for you, me, and your girlfriend to grab food? Here are some of the best times for me ____. When you know what works best for you two, let me know.”
Wanting to be close is a vulnerable thing, so prepare yourself for the chance that he doesn’t want the same thing. That doesn’t say anything about you, nor is it wrong for you to feel bad if that’s the way it goes. But you’ll never know if you don’t ask. To me, that seems worse.
Dear Prudence,
My longtime friend is becoming more and more fragile and now is wheelchair bound. I was maneuvering her into my car despite her fragility, but that became perilous for me when she frequently fell and I was unable to get her up. So, I told her it was the end. She is so mad and hurt, she doesn’t speak to me. She’ll take my calls, and our conversations are brief. Mostly, they involve her asking me to run errands for her without her along. What should I do? Do you think our friendship is really over?
—Losing a Friend,
Dear Losing,
Your friendship is only over if it was based on you being able to maneuver her wheelchair into your car and/or run errands. I hope that isn’t the case. It’s clear that your friend is frustrated, but if doesn’t feel safe for you to try and move her, it’s good that you said so, and don’t continue the attempts possible hurting yourself or her in the process. Would it be useful to ask her what her options are for public transportation services? Maybe the two of you could ride together, safely, and without the possibility of you dropping her and not being able to lift her back up. This would be a good way to preserve the companionship without putting anyone in danger.
Classic Prudie
My daughter has spent most of her 20s trying to find her feet—between careers and relationships. My sons both knew what they wanted since they were little. Naturally, the family ribs each other so there was some light teasing about her excitement over her new job. She left early saying she was feeling bad. When I later called her, she blew up. She said she was tired of being the family joke and she would be taking a break from family functions for the near future for her own mental health.
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