I’m tired of being the bad guy.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Ashley C. Ford is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My wife and I have a 5-year-old and a 4-year-old. We have been fighting about trying to get the kids to sleep in their own beds since our oldest was 3. I want our adult space back and she will agree with me then back down the next time one of the kids tries to crawl into our bed.
When she was away for two weeks, I kept a strict schedule of a glass of water, one story, a kiss, and a few cuddles before it was lights out. If the kids got up, they went right back to bed. I was getting woken up three or four times a night, but eventually, the kids started to adjust to the schedule and slept through the night in their own room. Then when my wife got back, she fell into the bad pattern of just backing down and saying it was “just one night.”
It isn’t one night. It is a failure to keep consistent boundaries with our kids. I am tired of being put into the territory of the bad guy here. It doesn’t help that I have a major surgery coming up that will put me on mandatory bedrest and while I love my kids, I am not looking forward to getting slammed with pain because one of the kids crawls in with us and head butts me. I love my wife and I love my kids but I want my bed back. Help!
—Not a Big Enough Bed
Dear Not a Big Enough Bed,
You’re right, this isn’t going to work without you and your wife getting on the same page about bedtime and staying committed to the plan together. Ask your wife to set aside a half hour for you both to discuss this without interruptions. Tell her all about the schedule you kept while she was away, and how much you want your room to be an adults-only space again. I know you’re not looking forward to your upcoming surgery and the potential pains of trying to recover in a bed you have to share with small children, but I think this is actually perfect timing for a change—and you should stress as much to your wife. Now would be a great moment for you both to come up with a plan to talk with the kids about daddy’s surgery and what things will look like in the house while he’s trying to get better. Of course, you want to make the language as appropriate as you can for a 4and 5-year-old. Try to make it seem like it’s something the whole family is doing to help daddy, and everybody will have to do a little extra to make it the best time.
I’ve found that little ones react favorably to the idea of doing something “all together” and being an important part of the process with their own age-appropriate responsibilities. So maybe you come up with three tasks each they’ll both help out with during your recovery, with at least one of them being sleeping in their own beds. From there, even as you get better, there will be a familiar routine in place. Forgive them, and yourselves, for the occasional slip into old habits that have occurred, and will occur again, just make sure that 90% of the time, those babies are in their own beds when it’s bedtime.
Please keep questions short (150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.
Dear Prudence,
My best friend recently had a baby and I have been heavily involved with helping her. I am doing the cooking, cleaning, and taking her laundry to the laundromat. We have known each other forever and I was very happy when she decided to brave the single mother route rather than settle for another louse like her ex-husband. Her mother lives with her so it isn’t like she is going it alone, but I am happy to help out.
The problem is that my sister-in-law has been loudly complaining about how overly involved I am with my best friend’s baby while ignoring my other nieces and nephews. She claims I “never” helped out my “real” family. My sister-in-law and I got along when she first married my brother, but then she found religion—a particularly misogynistic brand.
So my queer, atheist self became enemy number one in her eyes. She would spend every conversation either trying to convert me or convince me of the validity of a lot of very horrible positions. My brother has never been one to stand up to his wife so in the interest of family peace, I have not spent a lot of time around them outside of the mandatory holidays, despite the fact I only live 10 miles down the road. How do I handle this? Telling my SIL, “Sorry, I don’t have a real relationship with your kids because you’re a bigot and a lunatic,” isn’t going to go over well.
—Helping Out
Dear Helping Out,
Continue what you’ve been doing because it’s what you want to do. Help your friend with her baby, and ignore your sister-in-law as best you can. As long as you don’t feel like she’s driving you away from the family you want to be close with, what’s the point of giving her any more of your time? The next time she asks why you don’t help with her kids, tell her that you’re not going to answer that question, but that she’s free to keep wondering and see what answers she comes up with.
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Dear Prudence,
My dad had an affair and divorced my mom when I was 12. He immediately dropped out of my life. He moved three hours away and we saw each other on holidays, only at his convenience. When his second wife had a baby a few years later, the holidays and child support stopped. I was really sad and angry. My mom and I lost our apartment and had to move in with relatives. Eventually, wage garnishment kicked in and he’s still paying it off now. Being broke when I didn’t have to be as a kid sucked as much as not having a dad. My mom worked all the time, and I got into a lot of trouble in my late teens because I was never supervised. I know blended families can be great. My mom married her boyfriend in 2022 and he’s been a nonstop presence both for the kids of his first marriage and for me. My dad didn’t have to be like this. Everything I know about being a man I learned either from the internet or my stepdad.
My dad lost his son to a car accident this spring. I only found out when his extended family called me to ask why I wasn’t at the funeral. Somehow they didn’t know that he wasn’t in my life. The death, and maybe shaming from his family made him reach out. I agreed to see him and he apologized for “not being around enough” but I only felt angry. He‘s still the same man who disappeared from my life and didn’t care that his actions could have made me homeless. I’m not a replacement for the son he actually loved and I don’t want to be. My stepdad is pushing me to be the bigger man but I kind of never want to see my dad again. What do I do here? I know he’s grieving, but seriously, fuck him.
—Angry
Dear Angry,
You get to dictate what kind of relationship you have with your biological father. It seems like you don’t want to have one at all but feel obligated to give it a shot on others’ behalf. I can understand wanting to try, just to see if your dad can show you he’s changed in some way, but it’s clear that you don’t think he has.
If it feels possible, try telling your stepdad and others, “I understand why you want me to try to have a relationship with my dad, but at this point, I’m convinced that attempting to connect with him would do me more harm than good. I’m not going to be meeting with him anymore, and I hope you can respect and support my decision.” I can’t tell you how anyone will react, but at least you will have said your piece and made it clear where you stand.
Dear Prudence,
I moved from my last job about six years ago. While there, I was friendly with a co-worker. Although she was older, we bonded over shared work ethics. When I moved away, we kept in touch by snail mail. At first, I was enjoying these letters but now, it feels like a chore. I find we just don’t share that many common interests overall. While it doesn’t take too much to whip off a letter, it’s not something I particularly enjoy doing anymore. I’d like to either end them or move to once or twice a year contact. As is, I’m usually responding shortly after receiving one and it feels like a polite obligation. What’s a script to end or slow down the letter writing without offending her? Or should I just reply slower and hope she gets the hint?
—Bored With the Snail Mail
Dear Snail Mail,
Hi (NAME),
I know it’s been a while since I last wrote, and I feel awful about that, so I’d like to propose something new. Instead of writing back and forth as often as we currently do, let’s do two catch pp messages a year, one at the end of winter, and one at the end of summer. We can aim for December and August—two letters a year to encapsulate what we’ve been up to, and respond to the last letter we received. I feel that this will ease some of my anxiety about being able to respond in a timely manner, and assure that I’ll actually have something I’m excited to share. What are your thoughts? Is there a better way for us to do this? I look forward to hearing from you.
Warmly,
[You]
—Ashley
Classic Prudie
I am falling in deep love with a woman who I am not physically attracted to. Her mind, humor, and life goals are attractive but physically, we are not well-suited. Looks have not been the most important priority for me but I would be dishonest if I said it did not matter. Sometimes, I find myself looking away from her out of fear that my face will show what I am thinking.
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