My Wife’s Has Just Issued a List of “Demands” for Our Sex Life. I’m a Little Speechless.

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Dear How to Do It,

I have been with my partner for almost three years. We started dating exclusively right away. We bought a house and have lived together for two years. That’s around the time she she started to question me about my unacted-upon bisexuality. She said I needed to explore that. I was interested in doing so but was not willing to step out of our relationship. I was willing to forgo exploration for stability. She suggested that we start looking at having play adventures with couples and/or singles, men, or women. She said that she had always imagined being polyamorous. We had many long talks about it and we decided to explore ENM. We set boundaries and rules for both our sakes. Our biggest rule was that we would only ever play together. No solo dating. So we created Feeld profiles, linked them, and started having adventures.

It was amazing. We found a few regular partners, and she has become friends with some of the women we have played with. This came with assurances from her that there would never be sexual behavior with her friends—that energy was reserved for us as a couple. There were also some immediate issues. I noticed time and again that she was pushing the boundaries or ignoring them entirely. We had agreed that all communication with play partners would be group texts. Then, when hanging out before or after playtime, she would bring up info that I did not have. She’d later explain that they “accidentally” texted her only and I was overreacting. I came to her calmly when I felt unheard or unconsidered, and she always took it as an attack and got very hostile and defensive. But I love her and I tried to see it as a reflection of her filters and experiences and not take it personally. Well, a year ago we got engaged. I was overjoyed.

A few months ago, she told me that she has decided to be fully polyamorous. This meant that we would no longer play with anyone as a team and she was going to start dating and having sex with men and women, and that she would not under any circumstances communicate with me where she was going or what she was doing or with whom she was doing it. She said she has always dreamed of “sexual anarchy” and that she needs total freedom to do as she pleases without consequence. Oh, and she also mentioned that she loves me and wants to stay together, but only under her conditions.

I love this woman, and I was happy exploring ENM, but this is far beyond my comfort zone. Forget about safety—I did not sign up for this and, try though I may, I cannot wrap my head around this much “freedom.” I am not putting polyamory down, but it just isn’t for me. I told her that if polyamory was to work, it had to come from a place of strength, openness, communication, and respect. I feel like she is just demanding more and more until she exhausts me and makes a relationship impossible. When I asked her what that compromise could look like, she said she would limit her excursions to one night a week, and would “consider” not spending the whole night with whomever the other person was. I can’t. I wish I could, but I can’t. She says I can be free to sleep with other people, too. Well, that to me, is called being single. It just doesn’t suit my needs or desires.

Am I kidding myself by thinking that there might be a solution to this problem? I am so distraught at the idea of losing her love and the future I thought we were building together. She says that she loves me and wants me and can’t imagine a life without me, but she is bound and determined to do, as she says, what she wants and when she wants with whomever she wants, without limitations. Is there any hope for this? I fear that there isn’t, but I need an experienced voice.

—Hi, Bi. Bye

Dear Hi, Bi. Bye,

You’ve reached an impasse: Your partner has given you her terms and you have decided they aren’t for you. This is your cue to leave a relationship for which you are ill-suited. It’s not your fault, and it’s not hers—it’s just the way it is. Opening up, poly or not, is a process of trial and error. Each individual needs to determine what is right for them, and then check against their partner’s needs and boundaries. Ideally, there would be some give and take involved in the fine tuning. Your partner, it seems, is more on the taking side of things, and it seems that she has been suggesting this all along.

When you set out on this joint venture, she told you that she had always imagined being polyamorous. That’s different from playing together sometimes. One is an investment; the other is more like dabbling. It’s not terribly surprising that she then told you she wanted to be “fully polyamorous.” One could surmise that she either attempted to suppress the fullness of her desire for your sake, experimented with your terms, and realized that they aren’t for her. I do not want to excuse the way she went about this—I’m sure it was hurtful to learn that she wasn’t being entirely honest. I think she should have been upfront with you.

But all along she was showing you who she is. In order for an open relationship to work, it needs to move at the speed of the most sensitive party. She is unwilling to do that. She has given you non-negotiable terms. You can’t abide by them. Unless you’re willing to make concessions and allow her to conduct her life how she sees fit with you in it, I believe you have reached your endpoint. That said, perhaps she might soften her conditions when she realizes that you seriously want to exit the relationship. You’ll just have to see. If and when you do tell her you want out, mean it—don’t threaten or use your dissatisfaction as a bargaining chip. If it just happens to turn into one, well, lucky you.

Failing that, you played a good game, but reached a point where your options were exhausted. It sucks to put in the effort only to reach this point, but you don’t reach this point with the knowledge that you have without putting in said effort. At least now you know. At least you tried.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m at a loss for what to do. Just over a year ago, after trying everything I could think of— including individual and couples therapy—and agreeing to an open relationship at my spouse’s request, I told my wife that I wanted a divorce. She had relationships with other men while we were dating, engaged, and during our marriage, which I did not find out about until years later.

Unfortunately, I lost my job (I’m the sole provider for our household which includes two daughters, ages 13 and 9) and have been applying for new positions ever since, with no luck. After exhausting my retirement account to support us while looking for new employment, I begged her to look for work, and she found employment at a local physician’s office. Regrettably, they do not offer health insurance or other benefits. She is a certified court reporter, which is a very well-paying job, but has not used her stenographer machine in nearly 10 years, and has made it clear that she has no intention of doing so.

We are living in the same house, in separate rooms, and are cordial to each other. I have shared my decision with my family and hers, including details about the reasons I asked for the divorce. She refuses to acknowledge what happened in the past with other men to her family, who in turn have shown no interest in discussing it with her and have requested that I not contact them again.

I continue to go to therapy for myself on a weekly basis, and we haven’t told our children as it would be difficult to move forward due to my employment situation. All throughout the marriage, I have been isolated from family and friends, and spend most of my time alone, which is very difficult. She also would routinely go through my phone, email, and social media accounts without my knowledge or consent, and accused me of having relationships with other women, which I never did.

I’ve reconciled with my family, and a few close friends, all of whom live out of state, but I’m still painfully lonely, hurting emotionally, and starving for some kind of affection. I’m ready to move forward with my life, but I’m not sure what would be appropriate in this situation with regard to trying to make new friends, see family, etc. The open relationship was never rescinded, but the grief I got from her over the one person I went out with wasn’t worth it.

—Hurt, Confused, and Lonely

Dear Hurt, Confused, and Lonely,

This is a tough spot to be in. It is likely that you will feel like you’re in limbo until you are able to move on professionally and domestically. Given the tenuousness of the situation, it’s important to tread lightly—fighting with an ex can be way more intense than fighting with a partner. At least with a partner, the argument can be guided by the assumption that you’ll move past the current conflict and eventually reconcile. That can keep you in check. Awareness that the fight you’re in will end and that your relationship can continue can keep things from getting ugly. Conflict with someone you’re already broken up with is a whole other game with potentially dirtier rules (if it has any). For sanity’s sake, you should try to rock the boat as little as possible.

With that said, it is completely within your rights to start carving out time for yourself. It might require collaboration with your ex, and that, in turn, may require scheduling in advance, but you don’t have to just endure or live for others—you have your own life to attend to. You don’t have to share what you’re doing in the time you’re asking for—this is your time to get back in touch with yourself and build social networks. Social events, hobbies, dates, etc., are fair game. If you’re out of ideas, try Meetup for local organized gatherings. Consider visiting family/friends in other states or even planning a vacation for yourself (with friends or solo). You may find it difficult to invest in a new relationship given your living arrangement (it’s hard to have your own home be off limits to a partner, no matter the reasons), so go slowly. If you do find yourself in love and still living with your ex, you’ll figure out a way to make it work.

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Dear How to Do It,

Is there such a thing as a “harmful fantasy”? I am a divorced male, in my late 50s, and not in any type of relationship (I am happily single and not interested in dating.). Over the past five years, I have discovered various online forums which allow and encourage patrons to post their fantasies, and I’ve found myself getting turned on by some of these posts. They range from wild and kinky to outright illegal. Now, it’s important to note that I have absolutely no intention of acting upon any of these fantasies, and I have enough self-restraint to be 100 percent certain that no real person is at risk of my engagement with these fantasies. However, I’m wondering if I am doing any harm to myself by entertaining myself with these thoughts. I currently don’t feel like they are harming me in any way, but I didn’t know if “experts” would say that there is a potential problem to a person’s psyche by entertaining some of these darker fantasies.

—Should I Be Worried?

Dear Should I Be Worried?,

Given that you have absolutely no intention of acting on these fantasies and you’re secure in your self-restraint, you probably have nothing to worry about. A few years ago for a question in this column regarding incest-themed erotica, I talked to Justin Lehmiller, the social psychologist who quite literally wrote the book on sexual fantasies, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. That book was based on a large-scale study of the sexual fantasies of Americans, and Lehmiller told me that taboo themes are “incredibly prevalent” in sexual fantasies, explaining, “There is this erotic appeal of being told that we can’t do something—it seems to make us oftentimes want to do it even more.”

The important takeaway from my chat with Lehmiller was how crucial it is to distinguish between fantasy and reality when it comes to taboo thoughts. “If it’s just in the realm of fantasy and there’s no desire to act on it in the real world, it’s probably not something that we need to be overly concerned with,” said Lehmiller. “It’s normal for most people to have really dark or deviant thoughts on occasion. If the person is at risk for acting out these deviant things, that’s when society really needs to be concerned. We don’t need to be as concerned about the thought or fantasy itself. It’s more about the desire or behavior.” It seems like you’re in the clear by this metric, but make sure you stay mindful. It goes without saying that you should avoid material that was made via abuse, torture, and exploitation, but I said it just in case.

Dear How to Do It,

My boyfriend and I have mismatched libidos, with me tending to have more desire than him. He’s offered to get me off as much as I like even if he doesn’t want reciprocation. It’s sweet of him and he seems genuinely willing, but I’m concerned it will degrade the overall quality of sex for him. If he’s getting more than he wants, wouldn’t it eventually be less desirable overall? For what it’s worth, we are open, but he finds partners more easily than I do (I’m shyer and also more selective), so it kind of only serves to make the situation worse.

—Surplus and Scarcity

Dear Surplus and Scarcity,

I think there are a few ways to look at this. First, if the scenario involves him getting you off and not himself, I don’t think you have much to worry about. Those are two separate acts and a surplus of one doesn’t necessarily affect the other from a physiological perspective. Making a pizza is different from eating a pizza—the former doesn’t satiate. Will being around pizza 24/7 make the experience of eating it less exciting? Maybe, maybe not. I think it mostly depends on how good the pizza is.

Hypothetically, if he were to get off as well (say by jerking off while he gives you oral) , that’s a different story but it could be a positive. There has been conflicting data regarding the effects of masturbation on testosterone, but at least one study found a rise in testosterone among men who masturbated more. It’s possible that more sexual contact would make your boyfriend want more sex. It’s also possible that a session that begins with him servicing you could trigger his responsive desire and lead to him wanting to get off. It’s hard to say—everybody is different. Because there isn’t definitive evidence to suggest that more frequent no-recip sex would degrade the overall quality of sex for him, I think you should take him up on the offer and see where it goes. Some people just genuinely like to give! Check in with him after a few weeks to see how it’s affecting him. If he remains genuinely willing, you’re good.

—Rich

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