I Live With My Parents. They Can Never Know What I’ve Been Doing With My Ex.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I was with my boyfriend for about two years. We were very in love, and he was my best friend. However, we broke up when I moved for grad school. I was living with my parents at the time, and they got to deal with me at my saddest. It was messier than expected (but still amicable), and we decided to go cold turkey. However, we made up and became friends again (with a bit more) right before I moved. I have not told my parents this. We plan to hook up again when I come back for breaks, and eventually they will find out, even if I just tell them I’m seeing friends, since I’m going to stay over. I am an adult, and my sex life isn’t their business. What should I say if they give me pushback about hooking up with my ex?

—Best Friend on the Down Low

Dear Best Friend on the Down Low,

I am not one to advocate lying, but when lies liberate you from an oppressive system, I think they’re a-OK. To avoid hassle, I would obfuscate your comings and goings as much as possible. Your parents don’t have to know that you’re staying with your ex—say you’re sleeping over at a friend’s place. You’re absolutely right that your sex life isn’t their business, so make sure it doesn’t become their business. It’s unfair that you need to put in the work for this, but it’s the way things are.

I do think that suppressing this information will make things easiest for you, but if it doesn’t or if you’re found out anyway, I think you have every right to say what you did in your letter: “I am an adult, and my sex life isn’t [your] business.” In case there is confusion, you can explain that your breakup was a product of circumstance and not negative behavior like cheating (at least if what you conveyed in your letter is the whole truth). And then keep seeing him with their full knowledge and let them deal with that. If you aren’t at risk of being cut off or excommunicated, a little bit of friction over this might be worth withstanding. It might help them evolve. Or just tell them that you’re dating this guy again. Unless they have reasons not to like him, they should be able to understand that relationships aren’t always so cut and dry. You broke up and now you’re talking again. It happens.

Dear How to Do It,

Over Labor Day, I found out my husband has been on hookup apps for our entire 15 year relationship, including through my traumatic pregnancy and severe postpartum depression. He says it never got physical—it was just sexting, and for reasons too long to list, I believe him on that. He confessed, moved out at my request, and has started treatment for sex addiction.

I feel like my entire adult life was a lie. I’m caring for our son alone. And … I still can’t push the button on a divorce. I am literally still discovering his lies on a weekly basis. Am I a fool? If he hasn’t woken up by now is he ever really going to change? I grew up with an alcoholic mother and so much of this feels familiar to me. I hate to think I’d be continuing the cycle by staying with him. I want better for my son than I had, but my mother took 30+ years to get sober. My husband claims he’s had his wakeup and is “doing the work.”

—Limbo Isn’t Just a Dance

Dear Limbo Isn’t Just a Dance,

I wish you would have listed at least one reason why you believe that your husband was just browsing on hook-up apps, when you are “still discovering his lies on a weekly basis.” Is your belief there another symptom of you not wanting to let go? Do you need to believe that because the alternative is too painful? What if he had gone through with the sex he was soliciting—would that be the nail in the coffin? Are you dodging the nail with mental gymnastics?

For your sake, you should at least envision the possibility that he did cheat. What’s your betrayal threshold here? There may still be more to uncover and you should at least be prepared for the possibility of evidence of actual infidelity surfacing.

Look, people do change. People get help and they evolve new habits. They rid themselves of past problematic behaviors. Not everyone who tries will succeed, but some certainly do. The truth is you can’t know the answer to your question at this point. Time will tell you how devoted he is to turning a corner, and it will give you a sense of his capability. That he moved out and sought treatment are good signs. Keep looking for those. The onus is on him to show you that he’s changed. If you’re not seeing it, don’t buy it.

A parting note: I would be somewhat wary of anyone offering treatment for sex addiction in those words, as sex does not fit the addiction model like substances do (there’s no physical withdrawal, for example). There’s no agreed-upon diagnostic criteria for hypersexuality, and in fact hypersexuality was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (it was listed in the fourth edition but didn’t make the cut for the DSM-V). That doesn’t mean that no one has a problematic relationship with sex or poor impulse control that manifests in sexual behavior, and surely there is help out there for those things. The term remains controversial, and for that reason, any clinician offering treatment for “sex addiction” using that term should be vetted at least via Google for patient reviews (or even media reporting). Perhaps you wrote “treatment for sex addiction” as a kind of shorthand and this is a moot point.

Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. Sign up for Slate Plus now.

Dear How to Do it,

My gorgeous, sexy husband died of Alzheimer’s disease a year ago after several heartbreaking years of decline. I was his sole caregiver for most of that time. Caregiving, sleep deprivation and grief left me depleted, body and soul. If I still had a libido, I had no idea where I’d left it.

Now that the fog is clearing, I feel faint stirrings of desire, and I realize I’m not done with sex. The problem? I’m 77, and suffering severe cognitive dissonance between that saggy, wrinkly, creaky reality and my younger self’s sexually adventurous inclinations. Masturbation has never really been my thing, and now it just makes me cry because I miss my honey so damn much. It would be really easy for a little old lady to make a complete fool of herself trying to get some action. What to do?

—Not Done with Sex

Dear Not Done with Sex,

First, you should try to get over your preemptive embarrassment. It would be really easy for anyone to make a complete fool of themselves trying to get some action. Sometimes what separates the foolhardy from the successful is your potential partner’s reaction, and you can never be sure of that until you make a move. Doing so doesn’t make you dumb, it just makes you horny. It’s all about maintaining respect—suggesting, floating the idea, or even coming out and saying, “I want to jump your bones,” and then gracefully taking no for an answer the first time. You keep it moving and you find someone who is into you. The connectivity of the internet means that you can be in contact with a lot of potential partners, and that means that your chances of experiencing rejection are higher. It’s just part of the process. You’re no less worthy of sex and affection than someone who is 50 years your junior. Finding it might be a process, but when the fruit of your labor is great sex, you’ll know it was worthwhile. Focus on those sexually adventurous inclinations and not your perceived aesthetic shortcomings—the way you carry yourself can go a long way toward making yourself attractive to potential partners. If you own who you are, you’ll make a more attractive rental for others.

Once your attitude is in check, start looking for partners. I talked to senior-sex expert Joan Price a few years ago for a question on this matter. For online cruising, she recommended OKCupid and Match.com, which she said have a good number of senior clientele. For meeting in person, she suggested senior-oriented dance classes or other local social activities. In my experience, meeting someone in person yields greater sexual success (you get to see how they move through space, which can make or break attraction and isn’t conveyed by apps). But why not try both to cast a wide net? Price wrote in an email, “Don’t lie about your age—it’s not a defect, it’s a superpower! You have life experience, self-knowledge, communication skills, and sexual skills to share.” That’s the spirit! Conjure it.

Dear How to Do It,

I have recently begun to wonder if I’m somewhere on the asexual spectrum. My problem with sex and desire lies in between a hook up and a fully committed relationship. I’ve had hook ups and have enjoyed them immensely, and I don’t have problems when I’m already in a relationship. However, any time I’ve tried to develop a friends-with-benefits situation, or started dating someone, I feel weirdly objectified. Like, sex is fine if it’s a one-off or with someone I know is present for me even without the sex. How do I communicate this effectively?

—All or Nothing

Dear All or Nothing,

While you are certainly entitled to identify as you see fit based on drawn conclusions, what the evidence provided suggests to me is the simple fact that FWBs aren’t for you. Indeed, hook-up friends can make for a very strange dynamic—it is a dynamic essentially based on how not committed to the other person you are. The vibe is “see you when I see you,” and in my experience, hook-up buddies flake at will because you simply are not a priority by definition. This kind of relationship exists in a state of limbo. The other two types of relating—a committed relationship with sex and a fleeting hook-up—are much more strongly defined. They are more black and white. FWBs are gray all over.

There’s nothing wrong with reaching the conclusion that you did, and to be clear, this doesn’t mean that you aren’t on the ace spectrum. But allosexual people respond differently to different stimuli and circumstances, too—one kind of relationship scheme not turning someone on does not make them ace.

Communicating this effectively may be tricky. You may have to think on your feet and decide what the future holds for the person in front of (or under) you: all or nothing. If they ask to see you again after sex, it’s completely reasonable to say something like, “I don’t really do friends with benefits stuff, so if you’d like to pursue dating, then, OK. If not, I don’t see a future for us.” Yeah, that might put some people off, but I think that’s the point—you’re not going to have a good time in an in-between arrangement with them so might as well cut them off then and there if they aren’t prepared to at least try to get serious.

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

I have a new partner who is really well endowed, both in length and girth. He has an injury that restricts position options for at least the next two to three months (i.e. no missionary). When I’m on top I can control the depth, but it’s not my preferred position, at least not for the whole time. Side-lying involves a lot of cervix jabbing. And oral sex—well, wow he’s big. Any suggestions?