Can’t we leave the teething talk at home for an hour or two?
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Dear Prudence,
I have struggled to stay social since the pandemic. I have started a book club, board gaming group, and a hiking club. I am the one who coordinates and plans events, only for every single one to get transformed into a mommy group. It is very frustrating to go through all the hoops of hosting only to not even discuss the book because everyone is more fascinated with teething strategies or trying to stop someone’s unexpected toddler-guest from eating the board pieces. I like kids. I work with them daily—that is why I am so desperate for actual adult company. I have brought up the issue only for it to get dismissed or ignored. Eventually the group dies because no one wants to take over. It is a small city, and I am in an odd age where most of my peers had kids right out the gate or are very much into the bar scene. It is frustrating—I even went so far as to try to join a church though I am not religious at all. Is there any hope? What should I do?
—Trying in Texas
Dear Trying,
I definitely don’t think the people your age in a church community are going to be less family-focused than the ones at book club. So let’s scratch that idea off the list. Instead, look for local groups for child-free adults. Or start one if you can’t find one. It sounds like you’re outgoing, willing to take a lot of initiative, and are open to just about any activity, which is great—all you need is a group of people who you can be sure won’t bore you to death by talking about toilet training. Problem solved.
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Dear Prudence,
Three years ago, I did something that my wife considered potentially unforgivable. I won’t get into the details except to say that it wasn’t an affair (physical or emotional), it was nothing illegal or violent, and it wasn’t related to finances. But it made a permanent impact on our lives, it left my wife feeling deeply hurt, and it detonated a bomb in our marriage. I have since apologized, sincerely, in every way I can imagine. I have volunteered to go to couples counseling (she is not interested). On a daily basis I try to show her that I love her and that I want to repair our relationship. I have asked her if there are concrete ways I can make amends, and if she has a barometer for how she will tell when I am sorry enough. She has told me that the only potential repair is a lot more time. I am willing to wait—but, again, it’s already been three years. I’m starting to wonder at what point it’s just punishing us both for me to hold out hope that things can be fixed. But the idea of divorcing (we have two kids and we’ve been together half our lives, since college) seems unbearable. Do you have any advice?
—When Will I Be Forgiven
Dear Forgiven,
The thing about time is that it actually doesn’t heal all wounds. Not at all. In fact, during the time it takes your wife to forgive you, you may become resentful, and the two of you may become disconnected, and then when she’s over it, the relationship that once existed won’t even be there anymore.
Ask her again if she’ll attend couples therapy with you. I know she declined once before earlier on, but this could speed things up significantly. And I also suspect that your taking the initiative on this will signal to her that you care and really want to get back to a good place, and maybe soften her stance just a little bit. If you go and learn what you did was truly something she can’t get over, that will be good information to have, too.
If your wife won’t talk to someone, you need to ask her to get specific about what “a lot of time” might look like in months or years. And compare that to how long you think you can stand to hang in there. If there’s a mismatch, you might have to make the choice that seems unbearable right now, knowing that it will ultimately be more bearable than remaining in limbo and paying for whatever you did for the rest of your life.
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Dear Prudence,
My partner and I were together for a few years, and then broke up somewhat amicably a few months ago. When I moved out, we agreed to share custody of our dog—half the year at his, half at mine since we live far apart. On the day he was meant to bring me the dog, he emails saying he had a change of heart. He said moving twice a year will be too stressful for the dog, plus he has land and can give him a better life (I also have a garden, though smaller). I’ll admit my immediate reaction was anger, I called him selfish and threatened legal action. After I calmed down, I sent a more reasonable message explaining why I disagreed with his arguments. He ignored me. I sent more emails asking to talk. He ignored all three. I let the dust settle for a month and sent another email, a compassionate apology for my initial anger, imploring him to negotiate an agreement that works for us both. He responded saying he was open to a trial period, but stopped responding again after I asked for details. I have called a few times, he hangs up.
I am tired of reaching out and being ignored. My last resort is legal action. My lawyer says I have a good case—microchip, payment, and vet were in my name, I took on a larger share of the responsibilities, like training and grooming—but there are no guarantees. I am much happier since the breakup and have started dating and moving on, but this weighs on me. I cry sometimes looking at dog photos; I really miss my pup. I also think because it is unresolved, it plays on my mind often. Maybe if I resigned myself to let it go, I would eventually heal. On the other hand, I want my dog! And it feels wrong to just let the ex stonewall me into submission. My friends think poorly of him for this and how he behaved during our breakup, and are rallying me to fight. But I’m starting to wonder if this is healthy or sensible, or if it’s just prolonging this breakup anguish. I’m too upset to judge. Should I go to court and fight for my dog, or should I accept I have lost him and try to move on?
—Acceptance or Change
Dear Change,
Fight for the dog. My guess is that you won’t actually end up in court. Once your ex gets a letter from your lawyer, he’ll be much more willing to negotiate.
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