Help! I Offered Some of My Family My Precious Jewels. Then the Vultures Swept In.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Ashley C. Ford is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My first and second husband both had children from a first marriage. I never did. I had some hands in raising my first stepchildren but my second stepchildren were already married adults with children of their own when I married their father. I am not close to them. I am close to their children.

My first husband was a jeweler and made many expensive pieces for me. I treasure them greatly. My stepdaughter from my first marriage announced her engagement and she invited my husband and me. I was so touched that I decided to offer one of the pieces to wear. It was so touching to see her delight over being given something that her father handmade that I decided to let my granddaughters each pick out a piece for them to inherit when I am gone (or they get married or graduate).

I didn’t realize what a rush of greed it would start. My daughter-in-law is upset that her adult daughter who I never met wasn’t getting one while her stepdaughters were. One of my unmarried stepdaughters has been egging on her sisters by saying that they are being deliberately slighted by me because I am not offering them any pieces. I bluntly asked why the hell they thought they were entitled to my jewelry from my first marriage at all. I could toss the lot into the ocean and it wouldn’t affect them.

My husband fully supports me, but this entire situation has left me feeling sick. I never expected such greed out of his children and it is raising alarm bells for me. They all inherited jewelry from their mother, grandmother, and my late sister-in-law and aren’t satisfied. My husband is about a decade older than me. Is this how they are going to act when he dies? What do I do in the meantime?

—Sick of the Greed

Dear Sick of the Greed,

It’s a shame that after sharing your treasured and sentimental jewelry pieces in a celebratory way, members of your extended family ignored the context of your gift, and instead demanded their own piece of the pie. I’m sure that left you with a sour feeling in your stomach about the way your husband’s children might behave when your husband passes away. So jump ahead of that issue and speak with your husband about it now. Make sure the two of you both know what the plan is for distributing the resources of his estate in the event of his death, and encourage him to have those conversations with his children NOW. You both need to get all of those plans on paper, if you haven’t already, with the help of an estate planning attorney.

There’s no guarantee that it won’t become an issue now, when he informs his kids, or later. But at least you know that when that time comes, they will all have been forewarned about what they can expect to inherit and from who. In the meantime, I think you’ve clearly expressed your position that they will not be receiving jewelry from your first marriage, and that’s all you need to say to them about it. If they bring it up again, tell them your jewels are not up for discussion.

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Dear Prudence, 

I’m a big fan of the movie When Harry Met Sally. My wife is younger and from a different country, so she’s never seen it. However, I told her before we got married that I strongly agreed with the central thesis of the movie that men and women cannot be platonic friends. And I’m not a hypocrite. I don’t have—or desire to have—any female friends.

My wife, on the other hand, does have male friends. This is a constant source of drama in our marriage. I don’t understand why she needs male friends. She has more in common with other women, and if she needs male companionship, she has me. It seems like I’m constantly on her case about this, and I don’t understand why this isn’t something she can sacrifice to keep the peace in our relationship. If it’s that important for her to have emotional bonds with other men, that is a huge red flag.

I know how this sounds—but I often let things go that bother me if I figure they aren’t a big deal. You simply can’t fight about every difference of opinion in marriage. I choose my battles. But this is a big deal to me—a dealbreaker—a battle I feel compelled to choose. It’s a core belief I’ve had for most of my life. Since this is more important to me than it is to her, shouldn’t she give in on this one?

—Harry Burns

Dear Harry,

It’s been 35 years since your compatriot Mr. Burns made his assertion that “sex always gets in the way” of friendships between men and women. But if we could hear from him today, I’d hope he’d have expanded his worldview a bit since 1989. It is totally possible for women and men to be friends without sharing a romantic interest in one another. Don’t get me wrong, Harry and Sally is a great movie, but it’s just that: a movie, with a particular point of view and its own biases. In life outside of Hollywood, men and women have deep and enduring friendships every day, all the time, and nobody steps out of line. (And that is just to comment on friendships between heterosexual men and women—what about all of the friendships that exist outside of that binary?) This is not a film set, and you are not Billy Crystal.

Yes, your wife has you, but no woman is an island. And neither is any man. We all need friendships beyond those we have with our spouses. It’s healthy, it’s good for you, and it builds trust. Your wife is her own person, and no matter how close you two are, her experience will always be separate from yours. So just because you don’t have platonic friendships with other women doesn’t mean she has to follow suit. Also, I assume your wife had male friends before you were married, so this can’t be new information to you, yet you call it a “dealbreaker.” That was your first mistake: You shouldn’t have gotten married expecting to change her.

You write that you don’t understand why she needs male friends. Well, have you tried asking her, without a rebuttal ready to launch? I have a feeling she probably has pretty good reasons for keeping them around. In this case, I believe you’re the one who needs to reflect and make a shift. You need to work on trusting your wife. It sounds like you’re a visual learner so might I suggest some studying material? Cancel your annual rewatch of When Harry Met Sally and turn on something else. Your wife and her friends might be more like Andy and Nigel from The Devil Wears Prada or Mabel, Oliver, and Charles-Haden from Only Murders in the Building. It’s just on you to see it from a different perspective.

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Dear Prudence,

I went to my regular hairdresser today for a normal cut and blow dry. From the minute he greeted me, I thought, “This guy is ON SOMETHING.” He was far more exuberant, dramatic, talkative, and clumsy than normal. Plus he was a bit forgetful from moment to moment. I’ve never, in 25 years, seen him like that.

He gave me a good haircut—maybe a bit faster and shorter than normal, but all in all fine. And throughout it all I kept reminding myself that it was just hair…even if it wasn’t good, it would grow out. Alls well that ends well. Now I’m wondering if I should go back in and say something to him. Should I let him know that I noticed and am concerned?

—Cut and Dry

Dear Cut and Dry,

Unless you and your hairdresser are good personal friends, enjoy your fabulous haircut, or find a new salon. You have suspicions based on his behavior, but no real information about the situation. I imagine you won’t want to give up a 25-year relationship. So next time you’re in his chair, ask him how he’s doing and provide a listening ear. But otherwise, I’d leave it alone.

Dear Prudence,

I could use some friends, but I just don’t feel up to it. There are a few moms of my tween’s friends who pass the vibe check and seem really great..but one invited us all over to bonfire it up while the kids trick-or-treat, and it just seems exhausting. Every “mom friendship” has an expiration date built in, it seems. The kids don’t mesh, sabbaticals end, we switch schools, or stay-at-home parents go back to working outside the home. I never see it coming, and always feel bereft. Everyone is too busy to maintain something that doesn’t coincide with our kids’ schedules. It’s fine! It makes sense. It’s not cruelty, it’s just life! My teen is an 8th grader, new-ish to this school, and I know that this group of kids will all be a different high-schools next year. How do I muster the energy to enjoy what could be really great, probably temporary, camaraderie with their pretty dope moms?

—Tired Mom Seeking Same? Maybe?

Dear Tired Mom,

How much time do you spend taking time for yourself? You sound exhausted, Mom! Loneliness can be such a burden, but without the energy to show up for you, it can be doubly hard to want to go out and pursue new friendships. It also sounds like the unpredictable nature of other moms floating in and out of your social life has hurt you, and you’re hoping for a connection that feels like it’s got the legs to be long-term. That makes sense. Our friends, like siblings, have the potential to be great witnesses of our lives, as we become witnesses of theirs, and investing in anything less than that can feel wasteful of your limited free time.

Unfortunately, though, showing up and going to that bonfire is how you start making those long-lasting friends. I know you don’t want something shallow, but you have to wade through low water to swim in the river. If nothing else, watching you care for yourself and have patience with your social interactions will set a great example for your child. Explain to them why you’re spending an hour alone reading or watching your favorite television show. Let them see you making lunch just for yourself or leaving to meet with a new friend you met in a local art class. Whatever works for you.

—Ashley

Classic Prudie

The day my sister died, I was in her house looking after my nephews while their father stayed by her bedside. He returned home shortly after I had put them to bed and we sat together crying and hugging, talking late into the night. At some point in the early hours of the morning, we ended up having sex and we had a very brief affair with no romantic feelings, just deep sadness and loss. That ended after a very emotional conversation in which he asked me to leave, and I’ve stayed away ever since. I didn’t even attend her funeral. Several weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant.