Help! I Want to Get Serious With My Girlfriend, but Her Ideas About Cheating and Divorce Are Absurd.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been dating Hannah for about eight months. I know she wants to get serious, and I’d like to get serious with her, too, but there is one issue that is bothering me, and I need advice on how to discuss it with her before we take the next step. Hannah’s parents divorced when she was 10, and she has talked about how their divorce and the breakup of her family has really affected her life and relationships. She attributes just about every semi-negative thing that has happened since then to the divorce. I can’t stress how many times she’s started a sentence with “if my parents had just stayed together…”

As a child of divorce myself, I am empathetic, but what confuses me is that Hannah puts all the blame on her father even though her mother was the one who had an affair. Hannah’s reasoning is that her father should have forgiven her mother and kept the family together. She cannot forgive him for not forgiving her mother. What makes it worse is that Hannah’s mom had an affair with a coworker and when the affair came out, both the coworker and Hannah’s mom were fired due to a “morality clause” at the company where they worked. Afterwards, she was unable to find a job that paid as well and struggled financially after the divorce.
Hannah’s father paid child support but fought to not pay alimony and Hannah thinks that was selfish of him because he left her mom “in poverty.”

This is not exactly true—Hannah’s mom moved from upper middle class to middle class and couldn’t afford a big house and fancy vacations. Hannah and her brother still went on fancy vacations with their dad, who also bought each of them cars when they started driving (and replaced Hannah’s when she totaled it) as well as single handedly paying for their college education.

I understand a kid feeling this way, but Hannah is 28 years old. It baffles me that she still hangs onto this belief that her mom should have just been forgiven for betraying her dad and her dad is to blame for not forgiving her. I was witness to a big fight between Hannah and her brother where all of this came out and her brother called her out on holding onto the animosity towards their dad when it was their mom who blew up the marriage. I can’t imagine being serious with someone who holds the belief that the one who cheated is the victim and the one who was cheated on should just get over it. I also can’t get past how she treats her dad. I would like to discuss it with her but I don’t know how. If she hasn’t changed her mind after 18 years, is it even worth it for me to try to get her to see clearly?

—Confounded in Columbus

Dear Confounded,

“Change her mind” and “Try to get her to see clearly” are two phrases that should never come up eight months into a relationship. Never. You are still in the information-gathering phase. The information you have gathered is that Hannah has a view on her parents’ divorce that you find unreasonable and unfair and that makes you worry about her values around marriage and fidelity. You can let her know that you see things differently. You can tell her that you have questions about how her views on cheating could play out if things become more serious between the two of you. You can use these conversations as a chance to get more data about who she is, and then go home and think seriously about it. Because that’s what’s dating is about—learning about your partner and deciding whether you’d like to move forward with them, not shaping them into the person you wish they were.

Dear Prudence,

I went snooping in my boyfriend’s WhatsApp archived chats and came across his messages with his ex-girlfriend who he had dumped in 2020. He had always said she was crazy, and after trying to baby-trap him, he had to leave. These messages show he drove to her place in 2021 at Christmas and tried to give her a present and beg her back. I know it’s wrong to snoop, and I’ve never told him I read these messages. But any time he mentions how he would never get back with an ex (particularly that one), I feel really unsettled. I don’t know what to do— should I say something?

—Wrong to Have Snooped

Dear Wrong,

If you looked back over three years of messages and that’s all you found, I’m thrilled for you! Your boyfriend hasn’t been in touch with his ex since you’ve been together, he hasn’t been talking to his friends about how much he still yearns to be with her, and there’s no evidence of misconduct with other women. If at all possible, you should relax. When you think about him driving to her place and trying to get her back, remember that love can make people do crazy things. Just think of how out of control and desperate you were feeling when you snooped, going against your word and your better judgment. He might have been in a similarly unhinged state when he begged his ex to get back together. Perhaps it was a lapse in judgment. Perhaps it was sincere but he was embarrassed to admit it to you because he realized it was a mistake. Perhaps he has some sense of the insecurity that underlies your entire letter and knew that you would interpret the story in the worst and most threatening way possible if he told you about it. 

So no, don’t say anything. But I do think you should pay attention to that unsettled feeling, which must have existed before you found these texts and was probably what fueled your WhatsApp detective work. A huge, important skill in relationships is listening to yourself and trusting how you feel—without requiring outside evidence to validate it. What made you want to snoop? What made you question his honesty or his commitment to you? More concerning to me than the 2021 texts is the fact that he called his ex “crazy,” and I wonder if that lines up with anything you sense about his overall attitude toward romantic partners or a tendency to dismiss your feelings. If technology didn’t exist and you couldn’t double-check his statements, how would you feel in this relationship? Just think about it.

Dear Prudence Uncensored

“He’s still, low-key, burning a little candle for her. It’s such an odd conversation topic to still be coming up at this point in the relationship.”

Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

Dear Prudence,

Last year, I (28F) developed some health problems that led to an IBS diagnosis, which as far as I can tell is medical language for “something’s wrong but we don’t know what.” I eat a recommended diet, take medication, and do my best to live my life. But, sometimes I urgently need to use the bathroom, and often I make embarrassing bathroom noises. Socially, my friends and family know because I had some associated ER visits prior to diagnosis. But right now, I’m single and would like to date, and don’t know how or when to bring this up, because it’s embarrassing. If I’m planning to hook up, I just skip a couple meals so I won’t need to deal with bathroom complications, but over the long term that’s not an option. How do I approach this when I really don’t want to talk to potential boyfriends about poop?

—Trying My Best

Dear Trying,

This is so difficult! I know you don’t want to talk to potential boyfriends about poop, but there is no way for someone to be your actual boyfriend without having some awareness of the poop situation. You have to imagine the end goal: A relationship with someone you love and think is great, who is also understanding about your frequent trips to the bathroom, and maybe even thinks they’re part of your charm!

Your disclosures to people who aren’t quite there yet won’t be a lot of fun, but they’re the only way you’ll know who’s qualified to move forward with you. So you don’t waste too much time agonizing over this, you should come up with standard language that you send in a text at the same point —say, after the 5th date, or the first hookup, or whatever—to every guy. Something like “Hey, I had a great time. Hope you got home safely. I want to tell you something that I absolutely hate to talk about but if we keep seeing each other you’ll need to know: I suffer from IBS, which you can look up, but basically it means a lot of bathroom complications. Of course, I also eat a recommended diet, take medication and do my best to live life. But shit still happens, no pun intended 🙂 Hopefully it’s not a big deal to you but I just wanted to give you an FYI before I run off to the bathroom and you wonder what’s going on. Let me know if you have any questions! And please tell me something embarrassing about you to make me feel better.” Then brace for the response, which will tell you a lot about whether there’s another date in your future.

How to Get Advice

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

I have an etiquette question that you are definitely going to judge me for, but here goes. I hate gifts. So. Much. I don’t have the physical space for them, I don’t necessarily share people’s tastes, and even when someone picks something absolutely delightful and appropriate, receiving gifts makes me feel guilty and like I’ve been put under an obligation. Luckily, my husband is on the same page as me on this, and when we got married we mostly successfully dissuaded people from giving us gifts.

The problem is that my husband’s very large and very lovely family seems to REALLY love gifts, and keeps giving them to us against our active protestations (both his immediate and extended family). What is the etiquette for sending thank you notes for something you really would actively prefer people don’t do? I don’t want to thank people for doing something I told them not to do and actively resent them for doing, but I also would like to avoid being overtly rude, if possible. Thoughts? Just suck it up? It does honestly drive me nuts.

—Not Actually Thankful

Dear Not Actually Thankful,

I’m not judging you. In fact, I want to give you credit for being extremely thoughtful. Do you know how many people out there love gifts, demand specific gifts, and receive exactly what they’ve requested and do not send thank you notes or even think about it? A lot. At this point in history, thank you notes are only necessary if you’re a person who loves thank you notes and enjoys sending them. You can definitely free yourself from this burden and stop reinforcing the behavior. Also, if it makes you feel better, the gift-givers are your husband’s relatives, so acknowledging the gifts is really his job and he’s the one who can decide whether he wants to feel rude or not. If you can’t stand the clutter, you can be in charge of giving things away on your local Buy Nothing group, where someone will snatch them up and love them and you will get the warm fuzzy feeling your in-laws are seeking when they disregard your wishes and give you gifts.

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Dear Prudence,

I (29/F, straight) met my boyfriend (28/M, straight) last summer after having a “meet cute,” and we made things official after about two months of dating. We’ve now been in a committed relationship for four months. So far, this has been the most loving, adventurous, and fun-filled relationship I’ve ever had. He is a great guy—a sweet, goofy, devoted, go-with-the flow, but also very scatter-brained “golden retriever boyfriend” type (very Type B personality); whereas I’m more of a “black cat girlfriend”—more of a cynical type, who is a little harsher, more rigid/organized, and likes things a certain way (very Type A personality, and also slightly OCD). He has once said that we make a good team because I “make up for the brain cells he lacks.”

Overall, we tend to balance each other out personality-wise due to this dynamic, but there are some habits he has that drive me absolutely crazy. For example: Every time he drinks a canned beverage, he non-intentionally makes a “slurping” sound, instead of politely and quietly sipping the drink. I’ve gently brought this up to him and said it isn’t very polite to do that (he acknowledged the behavior and said he isn’t doing it to intentionally be obnoxious—he genuinely just isn’t thinking about the actions he’s doing), but to this day, he still does it. Another thing he does: He’ll talk/mutter to himself if he’s doing some kind of solo task and not talking to another person (i.e. washing dishes). Whenever he does this, it literally makes me cringe. Another thing: he has no awareness of how loudly he is speaking when someone is right next to him. There have been instances where he’s raised his voice so loudly, my ears were ringing for a while afterwards.

I genuinely don’t think he’s aware or realizing he’s doing these things as they happen, and how it can come off as odd, bizarre or downright impolite behavior to another person—which is part of why these habits bother me so much. And every time I’ve politely addressed these habits, I can tell he feels somewhat hurt that I’ve called out the behavior (or he feels like there’s something “wrong” with him for doing it), and then he still ends up doing it. I feel like a scolding mother every time I bring the behaviors up. How do I better confront him about these things in a kind (but effective) manner? Or am I just nitpicking and need to get over it?

—Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

Two months in and you’re repulsed when he *checks notes* drinks and speaks? I’m sorry to say you do not actually like this guy very much. Please cut him loose to be a Type B golden retriever for someone who will let him do the dishes and mumble in peace.

Dear Prudence,

I am afraid of everything physical that normal people do outdoors: hiking, cycling, skating. I am terrified of falling, and although I have fallen, it’s never been while doing those things. The thing is that even if I try those activities and they go well, I never relax, and never use my success as an indicator that yes, I can hike/cycle/skate/whatever. As they say, “past success is not guarantee of future performance.” That is me! I am convinced that the next time will be when I fall to my death.

It’s affecting my marriage because I was more adventurous when I was younger (and nothing bad ever happened), so my spouse still wants to do those things with me, and I cannot. Even reading or talking about a trip where we might have to/get to hike/cycle/skate/ski fills me with dread. I don’t want to say no all the time, but I do not enjoy being anxious 100 percent of the time. I have tried everything: visualization, meditation, CBT, and self-hypnosis, but my fears are unremitting. My spouse is understanding up to a point but also wants to do the things they love, and why not? I urge them to do these things with people who enjoy them but they want to do them with me, and I did used to enjoy them, so I get their point.

—Fraidy Cat

Dear Fraidy Cat,

Take the pressure off yourself. Do you know how many of us haven’t done anything more outdoorsy than a walk on the beach in recent memory and will be totally fine if we never wear a pair of skates again in life? We exist! And you don’t even need intense anxiety as an excuse. It’s okay to be a person who prefers to hang out in the ski lodge drinking hot chocolate. You’re not afraid to walk down the street or drive a car or anything else that is actually required for daily life. I would really hope your spouse would understand this, even if it’s not totally clear why your feelings about the activities you used to love changed. Who wants to hike next to someone who’s heart is pounding as they panic about falling down a hill, or bike with someone who is obsessed with the possibility of a deadly crash? I get that he wants company, but the priority has to be that you’re not living in fear.

It’s fine to continue to pursue different therapeutic techniques—who knows, maybe you just haven’t found the right practitioner, approach, or medication yet—but while you do that, tell yourself you don’t have to do any of the activities that terrify you for a certain amount of time,say, a year. Wherever your anxiety came from, whether it makes sense, and however your spouse feels about it, you deserve a break from terrorizing yourself by obsessing over these totally unnecessary, completely voluntary activities.

Classic Prudie

My husband has a history of encounters with sex workers. He disclosed this before we started dating exclusively, and while I can’t say it didn’t bother me at all, I was prepared to look past it, and we’ve been able to comfortably discuss it throughout our relationship. Now we are planning on having an open marriage after the pandemic. This is for several reasons and feels like a very mutual decision. The issue is that he’s been asking if he can see prostitutes again as part of this arrangement. This bothers me, but I am second-guessing my discomfort because it would be safe sex, in an arrangement that guarantees no strings attached, and I think what worries me the most is just how it sounds. Should I try to be more open-minded about this?