Help! I’ve Been Lying to My Wife About What I Do on Trips.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Shannon Palus, Slate’s features editor, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

We live in a high-cost-of-living area. When we had our daughter three years ago, my wife was determined to stay at home so I had to take another position in the company. It requires me to do a lot of international travel. It has been a huge issue in our marriage. My wife expects me to jump right into helping around the house and parenting our daughter as soon as I get off the plane. Most of the time I am jet lagged to the point of being a zombie.

My wife rejects any of my solutions like getting a part-time house cleaner or a meal prep service. This is negatively affecting my health. I dread going home more than I do going through the airport. I have started lying and adding an extra day or two to my trips so I can just check into a hotel here and relax. It has been helping, but I hate lying. I know it would not look good for me if and when my wife finds out, but I need this downtime. I really wish my wife kept her job even if it meant paying most of her salary for daycare. I hate this and the stress of being on one income. What else can I do? My wife wants to have another child now and I am just dreading the additional stress that would bring.

—Stressed in Seattle

Dear Stressed in Seattle,

You need to be clear about what you need from your wife. You are willing to keep your high-travel, high-stress, (presumably) higher-pay position—but you can’t jump into childcare right after a trip, and you need time to decompress. Or, you need to look for a lower-paying job, that will involve less travel, and less stress, and allow you to feel like you can hop into childcare as-needed—but will require something else to give.

You can’t solve this problem yourself, you have to work with your wife. Your wife, who also has needs! Your wife isn’t asking you to take over childcare as soon as you get home out of some arbitrary expectation; caring for a child solo is hard work and she is exhausted by the end of your trip, too. It’s hard to ease that burden with a small amount of help from a house cleaner or a meal-prep service.

It sounds like the main problem here, though, is that there is too much work, generally, and not enough money to cover a life you both would feel relaxed and content in. This is a problem you are not alone in—the cost of having a family right now in America is very high. It is crazy-making. You’ve gone the route of making more money, and it hasn’t worked. What about lowering your expenses? I know moving is a huge undertaking, but it’s worth considering what you could gain by going somewhere lower-cost, even if it can’t happen right away.

All-in-all, this isn’t something that resolves itself overnight. One thing that will help in the long run is that you will not have a very young child forever, and your daughter will gain more independence and need less care, eventually. Sometimes life is just about hanging in there until things naturally shift. (Just don’t have another kid yet. Or do! But only if you both wind up in a place where you’re excited about it).

In the short term, tell your wife you need some hotel vacation time, and then take that time without sneaking it. It sounds like that is helping.

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Dear Prudence,

Do you have any advice for someone feeling “out of sight, out of mind” with family? I’m the only person in my family to ever move out of our town, which was the right decision for me overall—except for the fact that I feel so distant from my family now. They have never once visited me in 10 years, declining even to come to my wedding six years ago. (My mom wasn’t well enough to fly and I guess everyone else felt like if she couldn’t be there, no one was going.) They don’t call, and in general, all of us are posting very little on social media these days.

I call to catch up every few months with my siblings, parents, and aunts, and make sure they always know there’s an open and eager invitation to come see me. I visit home at least once a year and our visits are great! We have a ton of fun and talk about how we wish we could see each other more often. I invite them to give me a call sometime to catch up, or to come out and let me be their tour guide in my beautiful state. Money and time off are always factors, but most of the people in mind do a few outings a year by road trip and plane—like an eight-hour drive to the next state over or a six-hour flight to Mexico, compared to the four-hour flight out here. I can’t really compete with a resort vacation, but my area is also a vacation destination full of activities I know they love.

I’m not sure there’s anything more I can say to inspire them to visit or call. I know they love me, but this is a pretty entrenched pattern at this point. Most of my friends here are from other states and their families visit several times a year, and it makes me really sad that I don’t have that kind of relationship with my family. I’ve talked to my therapist about it, but I just don’t know how to move on from wanting something that probably isn’t going to happen.

—At Sea in Colorado

Dear At Sea in Colorado,

You seem somewhat lighthearted about this whole thing. I know you know that this is frustrating and sad. But overall…I get the vibe of someone running an amenity on a cruise ship who is just so bummed that they cannot get any guests to hang out in their awesome water slide area!

Are you, perhaps, angry with your family? That would be very reasonable. Ten years is a long time. A wedding is a big deal. Picking up the phone is free. I am wondering if you’ve really taken the time to feel your feelings on this issue, and to share those feelings with your family, in service of keeping things “a ton of fun” when you do get to see them. Not attending your wedding—I would feel devastated.

You can’t make them do anything, but you can tell them how their pattern of behavior is affecting you. Instead of trying to “inspire” change, tell them how their choices make you feel. Ask for change.

Regardless of whether they do alter their behavior, you have options. Maybe you want to think about moving closer to them—family, for all the giant flaws, is important. Or maybe you want to live in beautiful Colorado, alongside the sadness at the fact that you have a family that is like this. It is a painful situation. Don’t stuff that down. Ironically, letting it out a little more might be what allows you some peace.

How to Get Advice From Prudie

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) 

Dear Prudence,

A few years ago, I enjoyed being in a large group of friends who shared a lot of the same interests and would socialize frequently. In addition to regularly socializing at casual events, we traveled together several times per year. Three years ago, it was revealed that two of our friends, who were married to other people, had been having a long-term affair. One of the couples has since divorced (Amber and Ben), and the other couple stayed together (Chris and Delia).

Amber, Ben, and Delia cannot be in the same room as each other, so all of our traditions have been impacted. We now have to decide who to include and who to exclude from every trip and every social event. I am particularly conscious of Amber’s feelings because she is not at fault. I am currently planning a trip for a milestone birthday and I have invited Delia. I don’t agree with what she did and the fact that she has shown little remorse, but we have a lot in common and she is my oldest friend.

How should I deal with this situation (and other future similar situations) since I cannot invite my other two friends? I was discussing this trip with Amber and a group of friends, and I had to privately tell Amber afterward that Delia was attending the trip. It got really awkward and I felt bad. When I think too much about the situation, I feel angry at Delia for fracturing our group of friends (on top of splitting up a marriage and doing damage to her own family unit), and I feel like I made a mistake inviting Delia on the trip. I want Amber to know that I value our friendship even though I am still friends with Delia.

—Fractured Friendships

Dear Fractured Friendships,

Smaller hangouts are the answer here. Your old traditions have been blown up, through no fault of your own, and you can’t prevent awkwardness or hard feelings when you exclude people. I kind of want to tell you to just keep inviting everyone and let them work it out, but that doesn’t sound fun for you. Right now, you can show Amber you value her friendship by planning something one-on-one with her—a spa day or a weekend away with her and another friend six months from now, and maybe even someone outside the original friend group. Try some new configurations, and try not to worry too much about the “what ifs” regarding Delilah’s choices and behaviors that do not directly involve you. Martial troubles and divorce—it happens.

—Shannon

Classic Prudie

Chara” was my foster child from when she was 10 until she aged out of the system, although not consistently. Her mother was mentally ill, her grandmother was sick, and times were tough. She is 23 now. My son “Asher” is around the same age. The pair of them were thick as thieves and the only time Chara ever got in trouble was when my son got bullied and Chara went after the other kids, fists flying. I consider Chara my daughter. Asher announced that he is in love with Chara.