Help! My Buxom Neighbor Dresses Like a Stripper When She Jogs. I Want to Shame Her on Facebook.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

There is a well-endowed young lady in the neighborhood who dresses like a stripper when she goes jogging. There are plenty of children in the neighborhood, including mine, who can see details of her body they haven’t learned about in health class yet.

I don’t know the lady’s name, but I finally waved her down when she was running by and told her there were kids watching and could she please cover up? She called me a Karen and cursed me out! Sorry if expecting people to dress decently in public makes me a Karen.

I’ve had it. I tried doing things the nice way but I have half a mind to take video of her and shame her on the neighborhood Facebook page. Maybe if she’s publicly shamed, she’ll dress more appropriately or take her peep show elsewhere. However, I know there are people who might see this as internet bullying. Is there a better way to get her to cover up?

—Can’t Abide Runner Exposed to Neighborhood

Dear Can’t Abide,

Because you describe yourself as the kind of person who would post a photo of someone on Facebook to try to publicly shame them into wearing what you want them to wear while they’re IN PUBLIC, it’s difficult for me to believe that this woman is really wearing what a stripper would wear on stage while she’s going for a run. Which would be, in my estimation, a thong and maybe pasties? My guess is that you are being hyperbolic and really, she’s just wearing workout clothes with less material than what you would personally wear or deem appropriate for children. But unless you keep your children away from pools, beaches, and most forms of media, that ship has sailed long ago, and in any case, it is not your concern how dressed or undressed someone chooses to be in public (unless, of course, laws are being broken). The inclination you have to not only judge someone else’s clothing, but also recruit an army of strangers online to join you in that judgment, is the bully in you. Don’t worry about finding a better way to get her to cover up. Spend some time asking yourself why her dress bothers you so much, and should your children bring it up, what you plan to say to them. Whatever that is, I hope it isn’t used to pass on the bullying tendency you initially felt.

Dear Prudence,

Five years ago, I fell in love with a co-worker. We had similar personality types and interests, and I loved how caring he was—to the point that I’d think he’d make a great father. Unfortunately, I don’t date men, so I pushed my feelings down and kept a professional distance. After a while, I forgot how I felt/feel, but his sudden loss has brought everything back. Part of me thinks that if I’d told him my feelings or tried to help him through his struggles, he’d still be here—I’ve been through a lot, and I’m always willing to help others. I just wanted him to be happy. How do I get over this? There are a lot of reminders of him at work, and I just want to do my job and not keep feeling the pain of his loss.

—Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

It’s normal when someone passes away for those of us left behind to fixate on the idea that we could have, or even should have, spent the time we had with our dearly departed loved one differently. I want us to begin with the understanding that you are not experiencing anything uncommon; however, it seems like you might have a tendency to believe that whichever road you haven’t taken would have probably been the best possible one. This, too, is common. But you don’t know for sure, and you will never know for sure, if acting on your feelings (against, as you note, your usual dating pattern) would have created a positive situation for either of you.

You can’t get rid of the pain—only time will do that—but you can refuse to claim any baggage that doesn’t belong to you. You’re carrying an imaginary weight, and I would encourage you to lay it down and walk it away. It would be perfectly reasonable for you to want to discuss missing this person with coworkers who knew him, or friends who will hear and comfort you in what must be a hard and confusing time. Reach out to those you love who are still living, and allow them to show up for you in the ways you wish someone had shown up for your coworker and friend.

Dear Prudence,

My niece has always been a high achiever, while her older brothers are your stereotypical slackers. They both barely graduated high school and are now currently in their early twenties with part-time jobs where all the money goes to weed and video games. My niece got into a technical program where she graduated with a degree and immediately found a fairly well-paying, full-time job. All three still live at home. My brother and my sister-in-law only expect my niece to pay rent. First, it was only a nominal amount, but after a series of household setbacks (new roof, foundation cracks, etc.), they basically want her to hand over every paycheck. Not a word about her older brothers getting to work.

My niece has rightfully refused, and her parents threatened to kick her out of the house. So I offered to let her move in with me. My niece accepted, and now my sister is blaming us for all their financial troubles and keeps saying things like it is our fault if they lose the house and become homeless. This gets to my niece. She often is left in tears after talking to her parents and wonders if she is betraying her family. Her parents both work long hard hours at warehouse positions. I am not speaking to my brother and sister-in-law. It like running into a brick wall. I keep telling my niece she should limit her contact with her parents for her own sake. But she is only 19. How do I help her?

—Trouble

Dear Trouble,

You’re already helping here more than many people would. Still, I can understand how hard it must be to watch a child who was born into unfortunate circumstances seek the approval of those who are treating her so unfairly. I’m sorry to both of you for having to go through this. I want to give you words to share with your niece, or a foolproof plan for dealing with the pain and abandonment she’s experiencing, but there are none. She simply has to go through it.

Don’t try to stop her from crying, it’s an important part of her emotional processing. Don’t try to make her stop talking with them. Making the decision to do so on her own—and it will take as long as it takes for that to happen—is an important part of her growth and individuation. Don’t tell her that she should be grateful for being a safer space now. That is a realization she will come to in time, when she can. Encourage her, but make no demands on the timeline of her emotional processing as long she she’s not actively harming herself or anyone else. And take care of yourself as much as you can, and as often as possible. When she comes to you with more to share, you will be ready to make room for her individual ways of expressing herself.

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Dear Prudence,

My sister is being forced to relocate to a different city because of work. She is frazzled and trying to find an apartment in a good school district over there. Her oldest is 13 and making life extremely difficult. She doesn’t want to move and leave her friends. My sister thought my niece could move in with me so she could finish out the semester here. We did a trial run and it was a disaster. It was difficult for me to swing the pickups and dropoffs during the school week, and frankly, my niece has an attitude problem. She is flippant and downright rude to me over asking her to do basic tasks like not eat in the living room and take out the garbage. Her favorite retort was she didn’t have to listen to me—I wasn’t her mom. I told my sister that my niece finishing out the semester with me, let alone the year, was out of the question.

When my niece found out, she threw a tantrum and ran away. We didn’t know where she was until the mother of her friend called us. As far as I am concerned, this behavior demonstrates why it is a bad idea that she stays with me. My sister claims that I provoked my niece and her acting out is my fault. This move is going to be hard on her. Moves are hard on everyone but it has to be done. My sister and I were military brats and moved over twenty times in a decade. Our parents certainly didn’t stand for behavior like my niece is throwing out there. She got a chance to take the easy way and now will have deal with the hard. Her other choice is go live with her father and stepmother out of state (and that isn’t happening). I love my sister and her kids. I have tried to be helpful here and it just backfired. I regret even offering. Now what?

—Trial Run

Dear Trial Run,

You may not have intended to provoke your niece, but the tone of this letter belies an underlying disregard for her emotions during this difficult process. I understand your wanting her to be grateful for the opportunity to stay in her school by living in your home, and I do believe that it’s reasonable to expect respect, but the sense I get is that you expected something more like perfection from her.

I’m sure that growing up a military brat wasn’t easy, and that you took the tough times like a champ, keeping a stiff upper lip about the chaos of constantly moving. But your niece isn’t you or your sister. Having your family be forced to relocate for a job right when you hit puberty, living with your aunt in a home with different rules and chores and eating times, all while being unsure about what comes next? That sounds rough. I would probably have an attitude about it.

Whether or not your standards for your niece are too high doesn’t matter too much because it is your home, and you decide who lives there. Still, I would encourage you to reflect on how much of your niece’s behavior is age and situation appropriate, and consider giving her another chance. I think she deserves your compassion right now.

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Dear Prudence,

I accidentally learned my husband is occasionally contacting his ex-girlfriend. He says there’s nothing to worry about as it’s “innocent,” but I see red flags because he kept it secret and he still hasn’t told her about me (we’ve been together 10 years). He refuses to let her know he’s married, and says he’ll just stop contacting her. Is my distrust reasonable, and is it fair to ask him to stop contacting this ex?

—Full of Doubt

Dear Doubt,

Your distrust isn’t just reasonable, it’s right on time. There is something to worry about, it’s not innocent, and there are red flags: both the secret itself and especially the not telling her about you after a DECADE.  I do not believe he will not stop contacting her (and whatever else that entails), even though it is absolutely fair for you to ask for that. You could always try couples counseling (if he agrees to go), but either way, I think you have some serious reflecting to do about this state of this marriage.

Classic Prudie

My guilt is tearing me up. My sister had several sexual encounters with the husband of one of our oldest friends. While she was in chemo. My sister would volunteer to drive her to treatments and then return back to the house and have some “afternoon delight.” I caught them in the act. My friend had asked me to clean the house for her and I switched my days off. I saw them and ran out of the house. Both of them left several terrified voicemails on my phone. I never deleted them. My sister convinced me that the affair was just “stress relief” and did I really want to burden our dying friend with this? I bit my tongue.