I refused to get in the middle until now.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
So my half-sister (mom’s side) hooked up with my stepbrother (dad’s side), which I repeatedly said was a bad idea. Lo and behold, the pair of idiots didn’t use protection and my half-sister got pregnant. She wanted the baby, he didn’t, and they broke up.
During that time, my half-sister lost her shit. She got together with a new guy and claimed the baby was “really” his. They broke up around the birth and a DNA test proved it was my stepbrother’s. Then suddenly, my stepbrother was this colossal deadbeat who could never do anything right. My half-sister would constantly need cash for the baby’s needs and then refuse to accept items like diapers or clothes from my stepbrother. She hated that my stepbrother started dating his current girlfriend even though she was seeing plenty of other guys, including baby daddy #2.
I refused to get in the middle of it for three years—until now. I needed a roommate so my stepbrother and his girlfriend moved in with me. They don’t drink or party. Both of them are employed. Those are my standards. My half-sister meets none of them. That hasn’t stopped my mother and her from treating me like a family traitor. My half-sister was fighting with various family members and wanted to move in with me. I said no and she has carried a grudge ever since. I would just avoid her, but I am very close to my 12-year-old half-brother and he needs all the support he can get with all the craziness. What do I do here? My half-sister tries to pick a fight with me every time I go over.
—Stuck With Crazy
Dear Stuck,
It sounds like your stepsister is at odds with just about everyone in her life, and also that you (understandably) don’t have a ton of affection or respect for her. Perhaps you could change your narrative from “I’ve never taken sides in her disputes and she keeps picking fights with me” to “I did choose sides by selecting a roommate who I enjoy rather than a chaos agent, and it is not a surprise and not personal that chaos agent, who is always mad at everyone, is mad at me.” In the same way, attributing your mother’s anger to the larger dysfunction in the family might help you feel less affected by it.
Your desire to be close to your younger half-brother does complicate things a little because it’s going to require you to communicate with and share a physical space with your mother and sister from time to time. Why don’t you try to set up a regularly scheduled day to hang out with him (when you’ll pick him up and take him elsewhere) so you don’t have to renegotiate each visit? Hopefully, he has a phone, or will soon, so you can communicate with him directly. If your sister lashes out when you stop by for pickup or dropoff, quietly repeat to yourself, “It could be worse. At least she doesn’t live with me.”
Give Prudie a Hand in “We’re Prudence”
Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.
Dear Prudence,
My parents were completely fine but never very warm or close growing up so I tempered my expectations for them as grandparents. But my parents were initially very involved. They were moderately helpful for me postpartum, and really into our son. Visits started to fade after he hit 16 months. Recently, my mom tried to get him to play with a specific toy and he picked another, she said to me, “This is why I’m more of a baby person. They’re less fun when they get older.” She then asked me when I was going to have another baby “for her.” I brushed it off but she’s been repeating it and doesn’t pay much attention to our son when she does visit. My dad is even less involved. I can shut down the baby questions fine. But the idea that she doesn’t care about our kid now that he’s old enough to make choices himself hurts so much. I thought she was turning over a new leaf as a grandmother but I think this is how she’s always been. My in-laws are awesome and I feel lucky to be in the family. It’s not like he won’t have grandparents without my parents’ attention. If I stop trying to keep them involved, they’ll probably fade out to holidays only and he’ll forget after a while. But this hurts me so much. What should I do?
—Grandma Only Likes Babies
Dear Prudence,
I recently moved to a new neighborhood and while I’m friendly with my neighbors, I highly value my privacy. There’s one neighbor who doesn’t seem to respect boundaries. He and his young son often come over and play in my yard or driveway without asking for permission. For instance, one Sunday morning, I was enjoying my coffee on my screened porch when I looked up to see them using my basketballs and hoops. This is a regular occurrence and happens at various times throughout each day.
How can I address this situation and ask my neighbor to respect my boundaries and privacy without coming across as rude? I want to maintain a good relationship with them but I also want to ensure that my personal space is respected.
—Please Go Away
Dear Please Go Away,
Obviously, you would be well within your rights to simply say, “Hey, good morning! Nice layup. I don’t know if you were aware but this is private property and I’d rather you take your game elsewhere.” But I know that’s hard to do. What I’d suggest if you want to nurture the neighborly relationship a little bit more, would be to soften your request. First, the next time they come over, go ahead and say hi. Offer the dad a cup of coffee and the kid a bottle of water. Chat about the weather, the latest NextDoor gossip, and whatever else. Maybe even do this one more time to lay the groundwork. Now friendliness has been established and it’s time to strike—and for you to set a boundary that protects your space but doesn’t cut them off completely. Say, “It’s great seeing you guys again and I’m happy you enjoy the yard. But I’ve been meaning to mention that lately, I’ve been wanting more quiet and privacy, especially during the week and in the mornings when I’m having my coffee. Could I ask you to limit your visits to Saturday afternoons? I’ll also text you and let you know if there are times I’ll be away and you’re free to come. I hate to be un-neighborly but I do really value my personal space and I hope you understand.”
Dear Prudence,
I have been friends with this one guy since 2017/my freshman year of college. During the first two years of our friendship, I thought my crush on him was obvious, but we only ever hung out in group scenarios. He does have trouble picking up on social cues. And when I say he is oblivious I truly mean he does not pick up on any romantic cues from anyone, even when other people flirt with him. Then COVID happened and we were hanging out online with other friends. The more I hung out with him the more my crush would grow. In 2021/2022 something shifted and we became closer friends, hanging out with each other one-on-one when we were in the same state, kind of completely in sync. So much so that our friends, aware of my on-and-off-again crush on him, would point out that we gravitate toward each other in group scenarios. In 2022, I was leaving to graduate school in London and thinking I would stay there afterward and wanting to get it off my chest (and as a cop-out) only said that I liked him when we were 19/20. He was kind of shocked and asked why I didn’t say it then, but then didn’t say anything else, and we had a heartfelt goodbye before our separate bus rides back home.
Now I’m back from London, he is still in another state, and we are 25. We just spent Memorial Day weekend together with our other friends where once again we spent most of the time gravitating toward one another, and even hung out separately from the group after vacation. I felt those emotions of liking him coming back. We are closer friends now, coming on six years of being friends, able to tell each other anything but also sit in silence. I don’t know what to do with these emotions. Is it too late to actually be upfront with my feelings and ask him out, especially if that might mean losing a friend I connect so well with? Or do I give up and settle for a not-as-strong connection with someone else? I also think he wouldn’t attempt to go out with someone if they can’t be physically in the same state as one another given a conversation the two of us had. He hasn’t ever dated anybody. I go on what seems like one date a year. So we both aren’t actually dating.
—Truly Delusional of Me
Dear Truly Delusional of Me,
Between his obliviousness, his failure to seize upon your admission of a previous crush (everyone knows you only make this kind of announcement if you also have a current crush!), the fact that he hasn’t indicated romantic interest in six years of close friendship, your belief that he wouldn’t want to date long distance, and the lack of experience on both of your ends, I’m not hopeful about this. Relationships are tough, and one between two inexperienced people who don’t live in the same place—and lack the kind of chemistry that would have naturally led to a kiss or something after spending so much time together—would be especially challenging. I also wonder if your interest in him is real, or if your on-and-off crush is just a manifestation of your readiness to connect with someone, which keeps landing on him because he’s around and you get along so well.
If things get to a point where you feel you can’t be a good friend to him—if you become possessive, feel you’re not behaving authentically, or are simply tortured by your interactions—go ahead and share your feelings. But until then, save yourself the confusion and heartache. And keep your connection with the person you enjoy.
How to Get Advice
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
I work with kids and love children. My husband also loves kids. We’d both like to have our own. But we’re not currently planning on it unless we suddenly make a lot more money. We’re barely past paycheck-to-paycheck life. Inheritable intellectual disabilities run through a lot of my family, and autism runs through his. We could maybe afford an average kid, but medical complications or special care would be impossible. So we know we’re not ready because you love and raise and care for the child that’s born, which is unpredictable. It hurts that we can’t afford a family and we’re saving and hoping to change that but right now, it’s not in the cards. I’ve watched my sister and cousin’s needs outlast family resources and wear out two marriages. My family doesn’t pry about plans because all my relatives know this is a hard topic.
My mother-in-law is a different story. She pushes and pushes and pushes, and when my husband told her that we couldn’t afford a kid with special needs, she brushed it off as unlikely and pointed out that his brother is doing fine. His brother has autism with low support needs and lives independently. But he wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood and was a deeply depressed kid with pediatric suicide attempts. Plus, autism has many different forms: My husband also has two cousins who require lifetime basic needs care. So even if her argument was correct, she’s wrong. It hurts that kids aren’t currently in the cards for us, and it hurts more that she brings it up a lot. Bluntly saying no hasn’t stopped the topic.
—Maybe Not a Mom
Dear Maybe Not a Mom,
Your mother-in-law is a little bit emotionally clueless. She responded to your explanation as if it was a statement about finances rather than feelings, the same way she would have said, “You could get a used one” if you mentioned you couldn’t afford a new car. It obviously doesn’t matter whether her (bad) argument is correct, it matters that this is a sensitive issue for you, and talking about it is upsetting. Try telling her that directly, in a sentence that includes the phrase, “It hurts,” and I hope she’ll get the message.
Classic Prudie
I recently found out my boyfriend still keeps nudes from his exes (he’s only admitted to one, but there could be more) and that he masturbates to them from time to time. We live in different states, and I plan to move to his city soon. He is a decent guy, and we love each other. He didn’t see anything wrong with it, but to me it feels closer to cheating than to watching porn, mostly because of the personal romantic history.
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