Help! My Husband Isn’t “Attracted” to Me Because I’ve Gained 10 Pounds.

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Dear Prudence,

I (F48) have been with my husband (M48) for 18 years. We’ve always gotten along incredibly well. For the last few months, he’s seemed off, not least because we’ve barely had sex. I finally, nervously, asked him if everything was alright (I even wondered if he’d had an affair). He quite kindly told me that I’d put on a lot of weight recently. Probably five kilos. Which is true. (I’m not a skinny person but not enormous. Definitely overweight.) That I could handle, I was already on the road to addressing it. But when I asked about the lack of sex, he said it was due to the weight. His making that link has been my downfall. I feel completely trapped. What if I don’t lose the weight—will our relationship be over? I feel judged, embarrassed, humiliated, and insecure.

We’ve talked it out: He says he loves me, he is happy with our life together, and he’s sorry he hurt me. He will do everything he can to support me. And now he’s said he can’t keep apologizing for it. I’ve told him I need time to process, and I do. He also acknowledges he’s being shallow but can’t help it. Thing is, he’s never been like this before. I recently took on a job in which I earn a lot more than him, for my family. I wonder if there is some deep insecurity there, but he’ll never acknowledge it if there is. I love this man and I love our life. And he IS a good man. But he’s broken my trust and hurt me profoundly. I am terrified our marriage is headed for the rocks. Do I just need to process this, lose some weight, and stop catastrophizing?

—Fat and Afraid

Dear Fat and Afraid,

I was only halfway through reading your letter, well before the part about your new job, when I said to myself “He’s lying. Something else is going on. This is an excuse.” Five kilos, or 11 pounds, on a 48-year-old person who you’ve been married to for 18 years, is simply not a big deal in any normal marriage. I don’t buy it! I think your instinct that your husband is feeling insecure about the new income balance may be right, and that could be combined with other things, like his own aging and changing body and decreasing sex drive to make him less interested. But it’s easier to say “You’re fat,” than “I just don’t feel good about myself.”

Focus on your new job and succeeding there, where at least your performance reviews are somewhat in your control. Give yourself a break from agonizing over what your husband thinks about your body and what it means for your relationship. When you are feeling more stable and less panicked, see if you can gently push for a conversation—ideally with the guidance of a therapist—about the state of your marriage, how you relate to each other, and what you both need to feel good about moving forward together. There may be something that really needs attention, but I feel almost completely certain that it’s not your weight. If it really is, then yes, your marriage is headed for the rocks. But it won’t be because of your body, it will be because your husband has something very wrong with him that makes him willing to throw it all away over a few pounds.

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Dear Prudence,

Last year, I moved to a new city and joined a local book club to make friends. It’s a fun, low-key group, and I’ve appreciated having a monthly social outing. A few months ago, “Izzy” joined the same book club; we chatted a little bit and swapped social media information. Every single day since then, Izzy has messaged me 10-50 times a day. Initially, it was getting-to-know-you conversation, but it’s turned into her narrating her day with things like “I hate traffic” or “Had a sandwich for lunch” or giving blow-by-blow commentary on TV shows. She’s also strongly hinted that she wants us to be best friends and that we should hang out outside of the book club.

At first, I tried to keep up the conversation, but it was way too much, especially since she was reaching out during the work day. I shifted to answering sporadically, and she seemed hurt by this. During the latest book club meeting, in the middle of the group discussion circle, she asked me, “When are you going to stop ignoring me?” I tried to play it off by saying “Things are too busy for me to be on the phone all the time,” and that just seemed to annoy her (but didn’t stop her from texting).

I really don’t know what to do here. I do not want to be closer to her and deal with more constant messaging. I don’t want to lose my book club because of her, but I also don’t want to keep seeing her in person and risk confrontation. The club moderator did seem annoyed that she was airing personal grievances in the middle of the club discussion, but it doesn’t seem like she’s done anything bad enough to bring it to her attention.
What should I do?

—This Is Just Too Much

Dear Too Much,

Sigh. Lizzie is the kind of person a lot of people who have just moved to a new city might really appreciate. It’s hard to feel lonely when someone is peppering you with their thoughts on traffic and reality television all throughout the day. And the model of best-friendship she’s pushing for isn’t unheard-of or wrong, it’s just not for you. Mostly because you don’t like her very much. And it’s strange that she hasn’t been able to pick up on that and simply move on to her next target.

This calls for one of those very uncomfortable, extremely clear conversations, because Lizzie is not a person who takes a hint. Since texting is her preferred medium, you can do it there.
Try something like this: “I wanted to finish the conversation we started at book club. I’m really sorry you feel I’ve been ignoring you. I meant it when I said I’m unable to keep up with a lot of texting. It’s not personal at all and not meant to hurt you. You have so much to offer as a friend but I have a lot going on in my life and am not in a place where I can receive it and return the same effort right now. I don’t want to continue disappointing you so I just want to be clear about where I’m coming from. I love the energy you bring to the book club and really look forward to seeing you there, but I think that is probably all I have time and space for at the moment. Thanks again for being so welcoming to me and thanks in advance for understanding.”

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Dear Prudence,

How do you think people should balance being themselves and making others comfortable around them? I don’t have an issue with anybody but my sister, “Amy.” Amy seems to hate everything about how I communicate. She thinks everything I say is either judgmental towards her or like I’m rubbing my accomplishments in her face, which I don’t understand because she’s very accomplished herself. I’ve always suspected she’s felt this way about me, but she finally snapped recently and told me. I don’t really know what to do with this information. I am being very honest when I say I am not intentionally being judgmental nor egotistical to my sister. I don’t want my sister to feel uncomfortable around me, but I don’t want to walk on eggshells around her. Do I just reassure my sister that I am not being the things she says I am and keep communicating the way I do? Is it my responsibility to completely change the way I talk around her?

—Talking in Circles

Dear Circles,

There’s a hint of a suggestion in your letter—when you mention “communicating the way I do” and “the way I talk”—that you may be aware that you’re perhaps a bit blunter or more forward than the average person. I could be wrong! But if that’s what you were getting at, consider softening your conversation style and editing yourself a bit. Not because it’s wrong (and no, it doesn’t require “walking on eggshells”) but because it’s a normal, healthy part of being a non-sociopath to make small, thoughtful adjustments for people we love. There’s no reason you should ever say anything critical or insulting to Amy unless she’s asked for feedback. Look for statements that start with “You should” or “Why did you” or “If I were you” or “You have to stop” and keep them inside your head. And when it comes to your accomplishments, of course you don’t need to hide anything, but if you find yourself peppering conversations with “As a successful entrepreneur” or “As an Ivy League grad,” or “As the only person in this family with access to an airport lounge,” you know what to do. Stop it. If you are in fact saying things like this, believe me, Amy isn’t the only one who’s put off.

Now, if you’re confident that you’re not unusually boastful or blunt, and if you’ve never received similar feedback from other loved ones, that’s a different story. And the truth is, you’re asking for a general rule about being yourself versus making others comfortable, but that doesn’t exist and, even if I could provide it, it wouldn’t help. When someone feels on a deep level that you think you’re superior to them— r simply feels inadequate for reasons unrelated to you—they’re going to hear anything you say through that filter. You could say “I’m so tired from my run this morning” and Amy would hear “You’re lazy and don’t work out enough.” You could say “How’s work going?” and she’d hear “Give me an update on your meaningless dumb little job.” You could say “I love your haircut” and she’d hear “You were looking horrendous before.” There’s no winning!

If this is the case, the ideal path forward here would be a big, emotional talk in which you and Amy get to the root of the tension between you, which I’m sure would involve unpacking some issues that have roots back in your childhood. Starting it would require you to be vulnerable, maybe by sharing some of your own pain, and telling her how much you yearn to be closer to her. You’d want to go in with the goal of understanding how she feels, listening, affirming her, and reflecting on your role. It wouldn’t be about hitting her over the head repeatedly with “No I’m not judging you, you’re wrong!” You’d have to let go of the idea that changing the way you speak to her is an undue burden. I understand that a self-led family therapy session may not be a realistic option for you. But here are two small things you can do that might help: 1) Express admiration for her, letting her know sincerely when you notice qualities or talents she has that you’d like to emulate and, 2) Ask her for her advice or input. If you don’t actually think you’re better than her (and this will be an interesting test of that!) it shouldn’t be too hard to come up with some material.

Dear Prudence,

I have recently found out one of my friends has been talking badly about my boyfriend behind my back. She’s been generally rude to him in all their encounters due to jealousy since he has come into the picture. But I keep giving her the benefit of the doubt because I know that she’s going through personal issues. This has been going on for months though, and finding out she is saying bad things about him to our mutual friends feels like the last straw. What do I do in this situation?

—A Discouraged Friend

Dear Discouraged Friend,

Identify another good friend. Someone you really trust. Someone who generally makes good choices and has a reputation for being honest. Take them aside and say this: “So I know Cara has been talking about my boyfriend behind my back. Please tell me honestly, do you guys have real concerns about how he treats me or the kind of person he is? If so, I want to know. If not, I’m going to assume she’s jealous or just lashing out because of her personal issues. Things can become clouded when you’re in love so I would love your perspective.”

I want you to do this because sometimes, when the most outspoken person in the group is loudly criticizing someone’s partner, it’s because the partner is an asshole and they’re the only one brave enough to say it. So I want to eliminate that possibility. If your instincts are right and she’s simply being unkind for no reason, demote her to “acquaintance” and stop inviting her to hang out. Her personal struggles may or may not be contributing to her behavior, but life is too short for friends who don’t want the best for you.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

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