Help! My Husband Wants a “Deeper Friendship” With a Young, Single Woman. I’m Reeling.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My husband just told me he wants a deeper relationship with one of his friends but they both don’t want to cross any boundaries I’d not approve of. She happens to be single and 20 years younger. He said he’s energized by her enthusiasm for life, admires her greatly, and that they have many common interests. He wants to be able to take her places and go to events with her that I’m not interested in attending. I find this, not only very hurtful but absurd and inappropriate. This is an emotional affair in my eyes. Am I crazy?

—Am I Crazy to Be Hurt?

Dear Hurt,

You’re not crazy, but your husband has devised a pretty amazing plan to make you question whether you are, while he gets to do whatever he wants. By bringing this proposal to you instead of hiding it, he’s ensured that he’s not technically doing anything wrong, and put you in the position of having to question what your gut is telling you—and potentially feeling like a jealous jerk who doesn’t care about his happiness.

Look, there are a lot of different ways to have a marriage and many different approaches to monogamy or non-monogamy. I’m sure many couples out there strike up new relationships like this all of the time, both feeling strongly that they should never hold each other back from connecting with another human. But my strong feeling is that if you were in a marriage in which intimate, one-on-one friendships with single people who you’re attracted to (we’re all adults, let’s just admit he’s attracted to her) were fair game, you would have known that and felt comfortable with it from the beginning of your relationship. He wouldn’t have had to announce that he didn’t want to cross boundaries. The angst you’re feeling stems from knowing your husband is trying to make a subtle change to your agreement and see what he can get away with. Tell him that he’s hurting you and putting your marriage at risk. But remember: You can decide independently that whatever he chooses, you won’t let him make you question what’s right before your eyes or doubt your own judgment.

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Dear Prudence,

A while back, my cousin asked if I would officiate her wedding, and I was delighted to accept. (I’m not an officiant by trade, but I’m authorized to perform marriages through a popular online church.) Though it was never explicitly discussed, I assumed I was volunteering my services without any expectation of payment. I thought of it as my wedding gift to the newlyweds, and, accordingly, I didn’t purchase anything from their registry.

The wedding was roughly two weeks ago, and everything went smoothly. Later that night, both the bride and the bride’s parents (my aunt and uncle) separately slipped me thank-you cards—each of which, I later discovered, contained $100. Am I now obligated to buy a wedding gift, since I’ve been thanked to the tune of $200? Was it even appropriate for me to treat my officiating duties as a wedding gift in the first place?

—Paid for My Service

Dear Paid,

I’m on the fence about whether it was appropriate to treat your wedding officiating duties as a gift. I suppose it was fair in a way (it’s always fair to give what you can afford, even if that’s just a card), especially if money is tight for you. But I tend to consider “I did this thing, so I won’t be getting you anything off the registry” as more applicable to situations where the guest has supplied something tangible, like the floral arrangements or champagne, or baked the cake. In this case, I assume you would have been a guest if you weren’t the officiant, so you didn’t really give up your time (except maybe whatever it took you to prepare) or spend money.

So now that you have received this unexpected windfall, I definitely think you should get the couple a little something. If you had to buy a new officiant getup for the event or if you just feel your time is worth money, I won’t fight you—keep $100 as your tip. But spend the other $100 on a nice blender.

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Dear Prudence,

I (they/he) have been dating my partner (she/they) for almost a year. The whole time I’ve known her, she has been stretching her ears with gauges, though always very slowly because she is extremely cautious about damaging them. I love her so much. The stretching though is starting to make me nervous. I get uneasy around things like this, even sometimes getting freaked out by scars on my own body or things like seeing a belly button out in public when I am not expecting it, even though my thinking brain knows that it’s totally safe and natural. I don’t know what it is about skin that seems to freak me out specifically. I do have an anxiety disorder that I have pretty well managed most of the time, but this has been on my mind a lot because I want to be able to get over myself about this.

I would never tell anyone what to do with their body, and besides that, I love how happy my girlfriend is with her self-expression. How do I work on managing this seemingly random fear, hopefully in a way that won’t dampen her excitement or make it seem like I have a problem with her? The easiest way would be to not talk to her about it at all, but at the same time, not talking through it like I would with most other things going on in our lives feels too close to lying.

—Stretching a Little Thin

Dear Stretching a Little Thin,

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume your girlfriend’s gauges were much smaller when you started dating, or that it didn’t freak you out yet. But it does seem like a person with unusual squeamishness around skin should have had this type of body modifications at the top of their list of deal-breakers.

But obviously, they didn’t give you pause, so here we are.

You say you want to manage (or maybe even get over?) your fear, so my advice is to make a plan to do that, with the help of a therapist, and then tell your girlfriend what’s going on. I agree that it wouldn’t be healthy to keep your issue a secret from her, but it also wouldn’t be fair to burden her with it without proposing a plan for how you’ll move forward. “Sometimes when I’m around you I’m going to be very grossed out” isn’t sufficient. “Sometimes when I’m around you I may be very grossed out and I wanted to let you know that it’s my issue, not yours. I have six sessions of skin exposure therapy and a consultation to adjust my medication scheduled because I don’t want to feel this way and I definitely don’t want to make it your problem” is a lot better.

Dear Prudence,

My uncle recently announced he was divorcing his wife “Sansa” of 15 years. Sansa and I always had a very warm relationship. We did not live near each other, but she always left the most uplifting comments on my Facebook/Instagram, and we texted sporadically. I’m in my early 20s and she’s about 20 years older than me, if that matters. After the announcement, I saw that Sansa had unfriended me, and the rest of my family on all social media. I, obviously, do not know all the details about their separation, and I understand if she needs a clean break from my family. But she was a wonderful person, and I would love to keep her in my life. Any advice on how to reach out, or should I just leave her alone?

—Breakups Suck

Dear Breakups Suck,

My answer would be different if you two had an in-person connection, but if your warm relationship was mostly limited to public Facebook comments, it makes sense to move on from this. Social media can give a false sense of familiarity and closeness with others—and some people have a way with words that can intensify this dynamic. But Sansa unfriending you, combined with the fact that you two never spoke about her relationship or separation, suggests that she was never truly an active part of your life in a meaningful way. Wish her the best (in your head) and let her go.

Classic Prudie

I have TSA PreCheck through my job. When my wife and I travel together, is it rude for me to use the PreCheck line? She thinks I should go through the standard security line with her. I think it makes more sense for me to use the PreCheck line.