Help! My Mom Believes She Has a Psychic Connection to Her Dead Relatives.

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Dear Prudence,

My mom is the oldest living person on her side of the family, and in any of her relatives’ memory. She’s 56. Her family is intergenerationally fraught with what are now called “deaths of despair,” and she worked hard to keep the addiction and neglect from her childhood out of the lives of her kids. Her little brother was her only other sober sibling and she raised him. He died of cancer in 2019, and she’s still grieving. But I don’t know if her coping mechanism is weird or crosses over into fully unhealthy. (I should mention we don’t get along well. I live overseas so I only have phone calls from my parents to tell me what’s going on. My brother only talks to them at holidays so he’s not an ally on this.)

In the past few years, she’s become convinced that she gets dream messages from dead relatives. She consults a psychic about this maybe once a month. But mostly, it’s just her dreams, and I get calls like “Uncle Albert came to me last night to tell me you’re in danger, I’m calling to tell you not to take public transit today.” I agree to placate her and go on to take the bus. But I’m worried this goes beyond quirky. I don’t know how to tell or what to do about it. My dad rarely stands up to my mom. She can be very unkind when she doesn’t get her way. When I tried to talk to him, about it he admitted that they argue about the cost of the psychic but he doesn’t address the other concerns. They are financially in a great place, but he objects to it as wasteful on principle. He’s not wrong, but his focus on this is only about money, not about her inventing psychic skills to cope with grief. What can or should I do here? Do I just leave it alone?

—Is It Harmless?

Dear Harmless,

Being concerned about a parent you aren’t close to is a rough spot, and I’m sorry you find yourself here. The good news is, despite your concern, I don’t think you have much to worry about, and even less you can do about it. Most likely, your mother is just lonely. It seems she has few, if any, connections left that she would consider true witnesses to the whole of her life, and that is a frightening place to be. If she soothes herself by believing she is communicating with the dead, she would not the be the first to do so, and unless it causing harm to her mental, physical, or financial person, leave her be.

Any issues that might arise from her current fixation would be obvious to her husband, and hopefully, if that time comes, he’ll be bold enough to get her the help she requires. When or if that happens, there may be a role for you to assist in your mother’s healing process, but until then, relieve yourself of the pressure. There’s no need to be stressed out today about a time you’re unsure will ever come to pass.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been in a relationship for four years. He’s a great guy, but we both entered this relationship already having children. (He has a daughter and I have a son. They’re the same age.) My partner’s really nice, but I feel like there’s a double standard for discipline and work in the house. I closely monitor my son’s screen time and make sure he’s on top everything—my foot’s up his ass all the time. My partner lets his daughter get away with everything and my son often takes care of the stuff she doesn’t do (taking care of the dishes, for instance). My problem isn’t with my stepdaughter—most of the time she’s a decent kid, but every time I bring my partner’s lack of discipline up, he thinks I hate her. Because of his sensitivity, I don’t feel like I can discipline her myself. How do I talk to him about correcting this without making it sound like I hate his kid?

—Exhausted Co-Parent

Dear Exhausted,

If your husband is uncomfortable with you discipling his child, then he has to do it. The deflection issue of you hating his daughter is not just immature, it’s a terrible thing for him to display to his daughter. It seems the issue here is one merely of a difference of upbringing for the two children, but that doesn’t mean the two adults in this household can’t work together to figure out how to bridge the gaps between expectations and results.

Bring this up for discussion at a time when it’s not an issue. Present it as a plan to ensure that the rules are clear, expectations for chores set, and the disciplinary options for not meeting expectations are clearly defined and agreed upon. If there’s a plan for how to deal with it, the chances of it becoming an altercation are significantly lower. As long as everyone, including dad, sticks to the plan.

Dear Prudence,

I’m in a chat group with three friends I used to work with. The two of them still work in the same company; I used to be the connecting point as they worked in different departments. I was also the social organizer, getting us together for lunches, as it helped with collaboration and we could vent about work. I’m no longer in the company and have moved on to a much more engaging and fruitful career. I get the sense that the two friends don’t hang out as much, at work or otherwise. I was fine with letting the chat group slowly fade away.

Instead, once a year one of them reaches out in an effort to get together again. When we do, they end up talking about a bunch of topics I don’t have interest in anymore. Worse, because they both seem unhappy with various aspects of their lives, they sometimes direct their attention to try to put down something in my life. Maybe misery loves company? I don’t want part of it anymore, but the times I’ve given an excuse to not come, they still continue pursuing these get togethers. How do I cut ties with them?

—Bound by a Loose String

Dear Loose String,

If you want to cut ties, the only thing to do is cut the tie. If the only connection you had with these coworkers was your shared employment, then the thread has already been cut. The only thing for you to do now is express this to your former colleagues. Maybe try saying, “It’s been so much fun to get to know and spend time with you both, but unfortunately, without the ease of working together, I don’t have the time to maintain our friendship in the same way. I’m wishing you both the best, and thinking of you fondly.”

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Dear Prudence,

I have made my peace that my mother is going to die in the sooner rather than the later. Her cancer has come back and the treatment is taking its toll. She works retail and can’t afford her bills, but refuses to leave my dirtbag brother and his drug addict sons in the city that they live in. I cut ties with my brother after he stole several thousand dollars from me and then I went to the cops—which my mother never really forgave me for. I “embarrassed” and “humiliated” her for airing the dirty family laundry.

Five years ago, I made the offer for her to come and live with me. She wouldn’t have to worry about rent or food, and I live close a major medical center, but my brother and his sons were not welcome. She whined she couldn’t possibly leave her “grand babies” on their own (my youngest nephew was 15 at the time and locked up on assault charges). I realized that she was never going to change or make the choice to prioritize herself, let alone me, so I minimize my relationship with her. We speak a few times a month and I see her at family events, and I can see her getting sicker and sicker.

The problem is that my extended family are more upset about me not being upset. I asked them not to tell me about her woes. Most of them are self-inflicted. She can’t make rent or has nothing to eat or car has broken down again—and like clockwork, it turns out one of her “grandbabies” fucked up again, and she bailed them out at her own expense. I have tried to help repeatedly in the past and gotten nothing but grief for it. I made the choice to put myself and my own mental health first here. I don’t know how to get this across to my extended family. I see two of my aunts the most often and they will agree with me right up to the line—but she is your mother. She is. And I still love her—- and this is the life she wants in the end. I can’t afford physically, emotionally, or monetarily to keep trying to bail out a sinking boat that she refuses to leave. I am tired of having this conversation with my family. How do I get through to her?

—Making Peace

Dear Making Peace,

This is one of those times when I wish, really wish, that when people told someone “But she’s your mother,” it would also occur to them that YOU are her child. It’s a sadness, possibly a sickness, how much and how often we assume that being someone’s child means owing an unpayable debt to their parents, while the adults who brought the child into existence are offered grace on the level of a troubled deity. Your mother is an adult who is making her own choices. There are a lot of things we can assist our parents with, but I know from personal experience that self-abandonment isn’t one of them. You can’t make her care about herself more than she does, and your extended family can’t and shouldn’t bully you into trying. The next time someone says, “but she’s your mother,” respond, “She is my mother. Imagine how heartbreaking it is for me, her child, to watch her refuse my help and choose to die in pain.”

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Dear Prudence,

I agreed to move in with my sister and her three kids if I could have the room with the private bath. There are two in the house but it has four bedrooms. I work remotely and had just gotten out of a bad relationship, while my sister was struggling to keep the lights on. The problem is, her kids refuse to respect my space. They think of nothing of barging in while I am working to complain they are bored or hungry or can’t find their charger or they want to use my bathroom. Or worse when I am not there. They are 13, 11, and 10. Old enough to understand privacy and boundaries (the oldest will scream if you ever go put a toe in their room). They just don’t care and my sister doesn’t care enough to reinforce it. It is a constant fight.

I am paying half the bills and helping out with the pickups and drop-offs because her ex is a deadbeat. I finally lost my shit when I came home to find that one of the kids shit in the toilet and didn’t flush and one of my expensive perfumes had gone missing. One of my nieces decided to use a $600 perfume to spritz up her room. I went to the hardware store and got a lock and key and put it on the door. My sister is upset with me and accused me of overreacting and then had to the gall to accuse me of “wasting” money on “frivolous vanities.” It is my damn money and I have been collecting perfumes since I was small. I told my sister the lock stays and the kids stay out of my space or I leave. She called me a bitch, and I retorted I am the bitch paying the bills here. It is basically a cold war now. My sister is barely civil and the kids are picking up on the tension. I love my sister and her kids, but the only reason I agreed to move in was because they needed help—and I would have my own, private space. I am regretting even offering in the first place.

—Own Room

Dear Own Room,

Your sister’s refusal to express to her children your need for space and privacy is egregious and I’m sorry that you’ve been so poorly considered. 13, 11, and 10 are still ages when children are developing self-control, but the issue here isn’t a few mistakes, it’s a constant and reinforced dismissal of your preferences. To me, a lock seems like a great solution to avoiding little hands that struggle not to meddle, and your sister’s anger most likely stems from the visual evidence of her failure to do her job. I know she needs your help, but I wouldn’t keep living in a situation where I wasn’t being respected. It may be time to talk with your sister about you transitioning into your own separate space. If you still want to help her financially, you’re welcome to do so. The cost might be worth preserving your peace of mind, and a future relationship with your nieces.

Classic Prudie

I have a friend I’ve known for a long time. Recently, she openly and casually mentioned to me that she frequently drives drunk and that since she grew up in Texas, it’s not such a big deal, as drunk driving is more common there. I too grew up in Texas and do not ever drive drunk; this is not the cultural norm I grew up with. I’m assuming she does not drive drunk with her children in the car, but I am not certain.