And they’re using my poor sister as a pawn.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My parents found religion when I was 14. My younger sister and I went from having a normal childhood to being expected to be at church three times a week and give up any of our possessions for the good of the poor. Any gifts from friends and relatives were immediately taken away to be sold and tithe to the church. Then my folks got to be foster parents and started cramming as many kids as they could into our house. I managed to escape by joining the armed forces, but my sister suffered another eight years of the insanity until she moved in with her boyfriend. She later moved in with me after I got out and started my business. I have been very successful.
My relationship with my parents is frosty because they are committed to the idea that I didn’t earn any of it and it all came from God. So every time we speak they bang the drum that they are broke and need money for their mission or throw sob stories about my other “siblings.” It’s to the point I no longer take their calls. The problem is they keep getting through to my sister.
She is still somewhat brainwashed and wants to be close to our parents, so they use her as their mouth piece. I have repeatedly asked her to stop, but she continues. It is hard because we live under the same roof and it breeds resentment in me because I pay all the bills—including her school tuition. How do I talk to her?
—Earned It All My Own
Dear Earned It,
Your sister has been through a lot, and clearly moving away from your parents didn’t undo the damage they did to her. I can see that she wants to make them happy and may sincerely believe that their worldview is the right one. I’m sure her heart is in the right place. But now that she’s an adult, she also needs to be responsible for her own relationships and how her words affect others. A thorough conversation in which you explain all this (instead of just saying “Stop it!”) might help, or you could even make it a condition of her living with you that she take advantage of her school’s counseling services to help her navigate family tension. (That would be how you’d frame it to get her in the door, but of course you’d hope that her therapist would ultimately work with her on placing her upbringing into perspective.)
If all else fails, try this: “I’ve thought about it and you are right. To free up more money for helping our parents and their mission, maybe I’ll move into a studio and stop paying your school tuition. You can move back in with mom and dad to help with the kids, which I’m sure will be rewarding for you. How does that sound?” I’m sure you won’t hear too many more complaints.
Dear Prudence,
I recently left a very long-time boyfriend because I got fed-up dating a married man and settling for time when he could get away. He always made excuses for not leaving an unhappy marriage, though I don’t doubt for a minute that he loved me. I loved him more than I thought I would ever love. Recently, I met an old friend and fell hard for him. I’m crazy in love with him, things have turned serious, and I believe we will enjoy our golden years together. Now, of course, the original BF decides to leave his wife and wants me back. I don’t want to go back. I’m incredibly happy in my new relationship. But I’m feeling guilty about the first one and struggling with that, especially since I wished for that outcome for years. How do I put that behind me? Am I being heartless? Am I the only one who thinks fate steps in when it needs to and one least expects it?
—Still Feeling Guilty
Dear Feeling Guilty,
“Guilty” and “heartless” are such bizarre words to hear a person who made the wise decision to move on from someone who could not commit use to describe herself. I mean, I’d understand if your married ex described himself that way (after all, I’m sure his actions hurt his ex-wife), but you’ve done nothing wrong here! Even if you’d broken up with him for a less fraught reason—like you just weren’t feeling connected anymore—those labels would not apply. You’re always allowed to choose people and relationships who make you happy. And that rule applies even more obviously when you have chosen someone who’s available over someone who is not.
The way you’re questioning yourself here makes me wonder if there’s something deeper going on that makes you hesitant to prioritize your own needs, or uncomfortable in relationships that aren’t filled with drama and uncertainty. You were 100 percent sure that a married man who wouldn’t leave his wife was in love with you, but you’re not 100 percent sure that fate isn’t dragging you away from a healthy, happy, committed relationship? Make it make sense! And I mean that literally: You need to get to the bottom of why you’re feeling the way you are. Being so conflicted over a decision that seems not at all complicated points to the need for some introspection. It calls for some clarity about the experiences in your life that may be shaping the way you think about what partnership means and how it should feel. A good therapist can guide you through this, and working with one will be worth your time. You deserve to be happy, but you won’t be if you continue to question your good decisions and talk yourself out of it.
Dear Prudence,
I have a friend who has been going through a lot of mental and physical health problems the last few years. They will completely disappear off social media or delete accounts entirely, and not respond to messages at all. Every six months or so, I’ll hear from them with promises of how they will be around more and they’re doing , and then within two weeks they disappear again. This is someone I love a lot, so not knowing if they are alive or not takes its toll on me. Recently, I found a social media account that they keep using. Is it creepy if I check this account once a week to see if they’re posting? It feels creepy but I get a lot of relief from knowing they are still alive.
—Am I a Socially Acceptable Stalker?
Dear Acceptable Stalker,
You’re not being creepy at all. That’s what social media is there for: So people can send a message to everyone they know without talking to everyone individually. You’re not doing any harm by confirming that someone you care for is still alive.
But worrying about someone like this does sound tough, and maybe there’s a better way. The next time your friend resurfaces, ask them what you can do when they inevitably disappear again. Would they like you to give them a call, or send a text or forward a funny meme, or show up at their door with a milkshake? It’s possible they really just want to be left alone, but it’s worth exploring whether there might be something you can do that will be helpful to them and also allow you to do more than wonder whether they’re alive.
How to Get Advice
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
My husband’s mother passed after a short battle with cancer early in our courtship. We both miss her very much. His father remarried 10 years ago. Recently, we had a son, but my husband refuses to refer to his father’s wife as “Grandma.” As he says, “He already has two Grandmothers, just one of them isn’t here.” His father is “Grandpa” to his new wife’s grandchildren, and while I would like to respect my husband’s wishes, I think it is also not a slight to his mother’s memory and will eventually hurt his dad’s wife, whom I like. Any advice?
—Grandma Dilemma
Dear Grandma Dilemma,
Delicately explain your husband’s sentimental reasons for reserving “Grandma” for his late mother, and ask his stepmother if she’d like to choose a special name she would like to be called instead. Emphasis on “special,” not subpar! In a world full of Nannas and Glam-mas and Gigis and MeeMaws and assorted other titles that nod to cultural roots, the options are endless. If she doesn’t have a strong preference, it could be fun to sit down with a list like this one and go over it together. I cannot personally endorse “Insta-Gram” (listed under “cool grandma names”) or “Gram-Cracker” (which is for some reason filed under “sassy”), but there are 73 other choices that she might love. Also, your son may very well use his toddler creativity to call her something completely random but endearing, so be prepared for that.
Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast
Dear Prudence,
My mom died when I was 14 and my sister was 7. My dad was basically unable to function as a father, so raising my little sister fell on me. I even put off school until I was 20 because I felt such guilt leaving my sister behind. My sister got pregnant at 17. Our dad and new stepmother didn’t want her to be a teen mom and told her her choices were abortion or adoption. My sister begged me to let her come live with me, but I was barely scraping by in the studio apartment I shared with my boyfriend. I told my sister there was no possible way for it to work. She ended up getting an abortion.
In the seven years since then, whenever we get into a conflict, she will throw the abortion into my face and say how I was such an awful sister and I was the reason why she had the abortion. Later she will calm down and admit that it was the best decision because she was not ready to be a mom at that moment. Still, it is always a kick in the teeth. And she only ever does it to me, not our father and stepmother or our three brothers. Last time, I told her I was done being her personal scapegoat and I didn’t want to talk to her until she got some help. We haven’t spoken in three months, and I am getting a lot of family pressure to be the bigger person and reach out again. I am tired. I love my sister, but I am tired of how she treats me. We have all been through a lot since our mom died, but it isn’t an excuse to hurt people. So what now?
—Scapegoat
Dear Scapegoat,
I agree that your sister could use some mental health care—her teen pregnancy and the feeling of powerlessness when it came to how to handle it have understandably left scars—but instead of requiring her to get help, I would have suggested simply telling her that didn’t want to talk to her until she could put a stop to the abortion blame attacks. That’s because getting into therapy can be a hassle, and there’s no guarantee that it leads to changed behavior immediately or at all. For all we know, your sister could get a dud of a counselor who simply told her to continue speaking her truth and yell at you to her heart’s content. And the important thing is really not what she’s doing on her own time, but how she treats you.
But at this point you’ve already given yourself some space from her and a break from being hurt, so stay the course. Enjoy the peace. Relish not having to think about her or her outbursts. It’s no surprise that your family members want you to reconnect. They’re probably all worried that they’ll take your place as her punching bag. If you get to a point where you sincerely miss your sister, or feel the urge to reach out, do that. But only when you’re ready. And be prepared to pull back again if you find she still hasn’t healed—or can’t at least talk to you as if she has.
Classic Prudie
I am a college student just wrapping up my junior year. This school year has been incredibly stressful for me. I had to undergo a series of rabies shots after being bitten by a bat, my mother’s house was burglarized, and two close friends have been imprisoned. The house I live in attracts numerous unwanted critters and is far enough away from campus that I have lost touch with most of my classmates. Because of these factors, I have been experiencing severe bouts of depression and emotional instability, and I recently succumbed to these feelings and sought out an escort online. However, she was an undercover police officer, and I was charged with solicitation.
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