There’s one too many people in this marriage.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been married for 15 years to a woman I love more than anything. Before we met, she was engaged to a man who died in a car accident, an accident that also injured her and left her with a permanent limp. I knew when I married her that she never got over her first love, but I thought time would heal all wounds, as the saying goes. But she’s not gotten over him. Every year she takes a week off work to go back to her hometown and visit his grave. She stays with his parents. They call her their daughter-in-law.
I’ve always been bothered by this, but I guess I thought she’d change. She hasn’t. Last week, she got home from her yearly trip and was excited because she found out his parents had made arrangements for her to be buried next to him. Not to me. When I got upset over this, she told me to accept the fact that I’d always come second place to her dead love. I’m not sure if being second to a dead man is where I want to be, but I still love her. Do you think I’m stupid to stay in this marriage? Sometimes I feel like this marriage has no room, with her and me and her dead fiancé all crowded together. What do you think I should do?
—Too Many in a Marriage
Dear Too Many,
You need to take a hard look at why you are in this marriage, and consider whether you want to stay in it. You can’t turn back the clock 15 years, but you can spend the rest of the time you have left on this earth with someone who doesn’t park you in the backseat for life.
It would be completely normal for your wife to have a special place in her heart for this person she lost in a tragic accident, but it’s not ok for her to put their memory before you, a living, breathing person with feelings—or to plan to be buried next to him, when she’s spent her years with you.
That said: You should find a therapist and investigate why you chose a person with clearly stated emotional limitations, and figure out how not to repeat this. It sounds like there were warning signs from the beginning. You need to learn to pay attention to those. Time can heal a lot, but only if we’re willing to let go.
Please keep questions short (150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.
Dear Prudence,
I’m in the process of a divorce, but my soon-to-be ex isn’t. There was no affair or major trauma, but more of a sad decline over the years where love just isn’t there anymore on both sides. We don’t love each other—we don’t like each other—sex has been long gone and intimacy, jokes, laughing … it’s all gone. We’re people who parented two amazing near-adult kids, but I’m not in love anymore. I don’t want something new, I just know I don’t want this. My spouse is living in denial of this very real situation. I told them at each step of the process that I was going to move out, get a lawyer, and serve papers. At each step, they declare they have been “blindsided” and “had no idea,” and ask me often when I’m coming home. We are co-parenting and I want to be the best parent for my kids that I can.
My spouse won’t tell anyone we’re separated, says they “just can’t tell” the kids what’s happening (they know—they are 17 and 18!), and repeats, “If you come home and cancel the divorce, we can forget all about this.” I set a timeline and they asked for more time to process, then said because I offered 30 days, I was not serious about the divorce. They asked me to go to couples counseling and I agreed, but only if it was to talk about how to amicably divorce. When I got there, they told the counselor we were trying to save the marriage. I told the therapist that I had no intention of reconciling, and my spouse began sobbing and saying they were blindsided … again! I don’t want to be cruel, but every attempt to be kind has become proof of reconciliation. I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do.
—This Is Happening
Dear Happening,
Some might begin their answer by saying, “I’m sorry to hear about your divorce,” but I want to applaud you for leaving. It sounds like there’s not much of a marriage left here. I would support your decision even if you had younger children, but the fact that they are basically young adults—even if you are co-parenting, which lasts, well, forever—does relieve a little bit of stress that people who divorce tend to go through.
You have been clear and patient. I assume you are also being fair in whatever financial terms you are coming to with your spouse. That’s really all you can do if they don’t want to meet you where you are. I am sure it’s so painful and scary for them—so much gets turned upside down when a marriage, especially a long one, ends. And your headaches over this process won’t likely go away anytime soon. But you just need to stick to your plan and, at this point, stop accommodating their requests to slow down or change course. Your spouse is on a slow path to acceptance, and needs time to catch up to you. And they might never get there! But that shouldn’t stop you from moving forward. Give them a head’s up that you are telling people you are separated, and that you are going to talk to the kids; offer a choice to be involved in that, but have the conversation regardless. Be firm, be cordial, and be as kind as you can. But don’t get diverted. You know where you want to go.
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Dear Prudence,
I (27F) have been married to my partner (30M) for six years. We have been together for eight years. A few years ago, the women in his family went on a girls’ trip internationally to an exotic beach location. This included his mom, sisters, aunts, female cousins, and his aunt’s daughters-in-law, a total of 11 women. I was not told of this trip until after they had left and come back. I know I was purposely left out. Money and space wouldn’t have been an issue either, as they stayed in an Airbnb. On a side note, one of the women was the fiancée of a cousin, so she technically wasn’t married into the family yet. So I am not the most recently married. They talk about how much fun they had all the time.
Now they are planning another trip. I still haven’t received an invitation for this one either, and they openly discuss it. They invited a newly married cousin this time as well. (It’s the same original group.) If they ask me to go, I will say, “No, thank you.” Should I stay silent about this? I have never gotten along with them anyway, but it still hurts. My partner fumes about this, but I have asked him not to make a big deal about it. I don’t want to give them an excuse to accuse me of causing drama.
—Not Exactly Beach Bummed
Dear Beach Bummed,
Why would you want to go on a vacation with people you don’t get along with? Honestly, a trip with a bunch of women I don’t particularly like, in an Airbnb—not even a private hotel room!—sounds like hell. I know it hurts to be excluded, even when you don’t really want to do the thing you’re excluded from. But take the high road on this one, and get your partner to do the same. Say nothing! Plan something fun with your partner and talk about that the next time you are all together. If they can brag, so can you.
Classic Prudie
I’m traveling for college at the end of the summer, and I’m still a virgin. I had many boyfriends during the past years but never had sex with any of them—not because I wasn’t ready, but because it just didn’t happen. Last summer I met someone, and we went on several dates but at the end had an on-and-off friends-with-benefits relationship. Right now I feel ready to have sex with him, but since it’s my first time and since he’s not my boyfriend, I’m scared I’m going to regret it when I get older…
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