She’s so picky.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Shannon Palus, a Slate Features Editor, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My wife is a better cook than I am and she does the vast majority of the cooking. She mainly cooks food from her culture (different than mine). I am not a remotely picky eater and will eat almost anything. However, my wife is extremely picky. Because of this, I rarely cook anymore since we got married. She doesn’t like trying new things, and will insist on eating the things I cook in a way I find horrifying (for example, cheeseburgers burnt to a crisp instead of rare or medium, or ketchup on spaghetti). Cooking is something that I enjoy and something I consider myself to be fairly good at, but it’s not worth it if my wife isn’t going to end up enjoying what I make or if she’s going to insist on eating it in a suboptimal way or way it’s not intended to be eaten (not that she’ll complain, go to bed hungry, or be obnoxious about it, but I feel bad if I make something and she doesn’t like it). The only entree in my arsenal that she really enjoys is southern baked macaroni and cheese and that is far too rich to eat regularly.
However, she has occasionally expressed displeasure that so much of the cooking responsibilities fall on her. I hate to not pull my weight, but I also have no idea how to cater to such a picky eater! I could probably learn some recipes from her culture, but what is the point of my making an inferior version of something that she can do just fine herself? What should I do?
—Picky Palate Partner
Dear Picky Palate Partner,
Let her eat the food you make in her own “suboptimal way.” She is not forcing you to eat extra well-done burgers. And the point of you making a recipe of hers is that you would be doing the work. This seems a little obvious. You say she doesn’t complain about the food you make. Are you perhaps subconsciously reading deeply into your wife’s food preferences in order to get out of cooking? Making dinner night after night is a lot of work, and it sounds like your wife is being pretty clear: She is willing to eat your cooking, and not willing to do all the cooking herself. Food is something to be enjoyed but it’s also something we need to live, and it’s OK to have your home cooking fall more into the second category.
Maybe you two can find some recipes that you enjoy making and she actively likes eating, that you can think of as both of yours. Read a cookbook together, share recipes you find online, perhaps even take a cooking class. Do a little exploring and you might be surprised about what kinds of options you find that you are both interested in. Even when it comes to your mac and cheese recipe, there are lighter and healthier variations out there that can make for a regular weeknight dinner. But don’t wait for the perfect meal plan to present itself. For now, just get yourself back into the kitchen.
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Dear Prudence,
My husband is celebrating a milestone birthday in a few months, and we are planning a trip to celebrate. It’s nothing fancy, just a long winter weekend in the prettiest part of his home state. My husband is a quiet, retiring guy who loves to make other people happy and therefore does not get fussed over or celebrated nearly as much as he deserves. He’s excited about this trip and I am as well.
He really wanted his parents to come, and it doesn’t seem like they will. They rarely travel—the last time they “visited” us, a two-hour flight away, was for our wedding five years ago. They’ve never seen our home. We always go to them (although they complain we don’t do that often enough). This was part of the reason we chose the location we did, which is just a few hours’ drive from where they live and somewhere they’ve vacationed before. So far they haven’t outright said they aren’t coming but I see the writing on the wall. To add insult to injury, much of my family has said they will come, including my parents. They’re coming from much further away and hate the cold but see that it matters to him.
He’s really hurt, and I’m not sure what to do. Our general rule is that each of us is in charge of our own family (gifts, invites, general wrangling). His parents are kind and I like them but we aren’t close and don’t talk often. They are both in good health and retired, and we gave them several months of notice. They have no excuse. He’s told them it’s important to him and they’ve still given him a “probably not.” I doubt my talking to them would change anything, but 1) you never know and 2) I’m pissed and want them to know how hurtful they are being. Is it worth inserting myself here? If so, what should I say? If not, how do I let go of being hurt and mad on his behalf and just let his parents miss out?
—They Don’t Deserve Him
Dear They Don’t Deserve Him,
“Each of us wrangles our own family” is a good rule generally, but the fact that your in-laws never leave their home turf to see you goes a bit beyond logistics—and you would clearly like them to visit, as well. I don’t think you are just mad on your husband’s behalf; having family present to share your life with sounds like it’s very important to you.
The next time your in-laws complain that you don’t visit enough, you can let them know that you’d really like to see them more too (common ground!) but that you can’t travel to them more than you already do. Ask if there’s anything they’d need to be able to comfortably visit you. You might be surprised by their response. You say that they have “no excuse” but have you really talked to them about it? Yes, it’s possible they are just selfish! But it’s also possible there’s something about even relatively short trips that can be tricky for them. People can appear to be in good health and still have issues that they are managing. You might even be able to make a visit happen by, say, helping put them up in a hotel where they can have their own space. You should also express the fact that you would really like them to visit. Your husband strikes me as a people pleaser. Is it possible that they don’t realize how much a visit would mean to you both?
When it comes to the birthday trip, I’d take that (mostly) off the table: They’ve been invited, they’ve given their answer, and your husband has chosen his response (which is “being upset without expressing his feelings to them”—and your instinct to not relay an adult man’s hurt to his parents on his behalf is correct). I think you’re in bounds to send one text along the lines of: “I’m getting a final headcount for John’s 50th—I have you down as ‘probably not’ but just wanted to make sure before the window closes to add more rooms to the booking. We’d love to have you there, so let me know if we can do anything that would make attending a possibility for you!” And then drop it after that. Don’t think of this trip as the be-all-end-all of your relationship with them. If they don’t come, change in the dynamic is still possible.
In the meantime, try not to think of it as “adding insult to injury” that all those other family members are coming on the celebration trip for your husband. Perhaps your in-laws won’t ever show up for you in the way you want, but it sounds like you have many other people who will. That’s a good thing!
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Dear Prudence,
I grew up in a very small town. There were 20 kids in my graduating class. And we all messed around. We were kids and bored and horny. Well, I brought my girlfriend to meet my parents. We ran into several of my old high school friends—including old “girlfriends” (as in one I had actual sex with and a few second or third bases). One, “Maya,” is married to one of my younger cousins. She made an off-color joke about keeping it in the family after a few beers.
My girlfriend got very quiet. Later, she grilled me about my entire romantic past and I stupidly spilled the beans. As much as I can remember—it has been over a decade. The entire trip was tense and miserable. When we got home, my girlfriend kept picking fights with me over stupid stuff like liking a queer friend’s vacation photos. We met in college, and we all were physically affectionate, but she is gay. My girlfriend got cheated on by her ex with one of his “friendly” exes.
She insists that she doesn’t have a problem, but I am asking why she is freaking out over something stupid that happened when I was a teenager. I have never cheated on a woman in my life. I offered to let her look through my phone and she confessed she already did. I don’t know how to proceed here. If she was apologetic, I think we could move past this. But she is defiant and told me that any sane person would be suspicious after the visit and my “confession.” To teenage shenanigans. I feel like I have been put on trial without getting into a courtroom. My upbringing was vastly different from my girlfriend’s. She grew up in a city and moved around a lot. She never had to consider the friends of her grandparents and great-grandparents or different generational feuds. I love her, but what now?
—Home Visit
Dear Home Visit,
It’s pretty standard (or at least not unreasonable) to get a heads-up from your partner if you’re going to be hanging out with an ex of theirs. I also think it’s pretty reasonable to talk about romantic histories with your partner. And an ex can count as an ex even if you “only” went to third base. I get that you didn’t know you were going to run into those girls. But instead of thinking of it as “spilling the beans” once your girlfriend became aware of your history with Maya, you could have seen it from her perspective—she was a bit blindsided!—and just apologized, and filled her in. It’s not a crime to be sensitive about awkward interactions with a partner’s exes.
But. But! The fact that she then went through your phone is, of course, not in your control, not your fault, and is, yes, a very concerning response to having her feelings hurt. As is trying to police your Instagram behavior. It might be time to start considering: Can you stay with someone who has gone through your phone, hasn’t apologized for it, and is doubling down on monitoring you? I would tell her how much her distrust in you is affecting you. I would also take some space; you are right that you two are not going to solve this by grilling each other and marshaling evidence for your sides, so you need to step back a bit, and not try to solve everything immediately. (Do you see how you are putting her on trial a little, too?) If your girlfriend ultimately doesn’t trust you to the point where she feels justified in going through your phone, then that’s her call to make. And you will have to make yours.
—Shannon
Classic Prudie
I recently had a birthday party—the first one in years thanks to the pandemic—and I wanted a BIG, wild celebration full of fun, raucous friends for my 33rd trip around the sun. As my birthday neared and the RSVPs started rolling in, I felt some kind of a “social contact high” from the excitement and anticipation. So much so that I randomly invited a work peer named “Stella.” Truthfully, I didn’t know Stella very well, but we’d exchange pleasantries here and there or quickly chat before monthly meetings, so we were familiar but not friendly to the point where we’d go out to a happy hour.
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