It’s a cruel joke from the gods.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 45-year-old male. As a present to myself on my last birthday, I had a vasectomy, dreaming of all the great “weapons-free” sex that was sure to await. However, in the last year, I’ve found that it takes much, much longer to cum. In many cases, I don’t cum at all. I mostly enjoy the increased longevity, but I sometimes feel like sex might be going on too long for my partners. It also bothers me that after 30-plus years of having to tightly control my ejaculation, I’m not reaping the benefit of the vasectomy. Is it psychological? Age? A cruel joke by the gods?
—Not Blowing My Load
Dear Not Blowing My Load,
Suspecting this may indeed be a psychologically rooted issue, I ran your question by Dr. Charles Welliver, director of men’s health at Albany Medical College. He shared my suspicion. Vasectomies shouldn’t present sexual side effects like you’re experiencing, at least not on the purely physical side. Welliver wondered whether you underwent post-vasectomy semen analysis to confirm that you are indeed shooting blanks. “Might help him put his subconscious mind at ease,” the doctor mused. Seek out that hard data if you haven’t already—knowing you’re truly safe ejaculating inside your partner might put your mind at ease and help you finish faster.
You could also experiment with doing things the old way—that is, maybe condoms just work for you for whatever reason and should be integrated into your sexual practice permanently. You aren’t reaping your perceived benefit of the vasectomy, but how great is such a benefit if it’s causing sexual dissatisfaction? Maybe you’ve arrived at the end of the rainbow and found that, well, it’s not as great as you had hoped. Sometimes that’s the occasion to get out your shovel and start digging, but backpedaling to the happy place where you were prior to that discovery might be the easiest course of action here. In other words, there’s no sense in having condomless sex out of principle if it’s not really doing it for you.
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Dear How to Do It,
My partner and I have been together for 6 years. In our first few weeks together, we had to have a lot of deep conversations about expectations, boundaries, and potential conflicts. One of the most important issues was that I am polyamorous, while he has only ever known a toxic version of monogamy. (Not that all monogamy is toxic, it’s just his limited relationship experience was).
This is what my question relates to, but I think it’s also important to mention our other major problem: He had a porn addiction. And I mean a real, verifiable addiction that was preventing him from being at work and having a healthy sex life. I’m no sex therapist, but I told him he should seek counseling. Unfortunately, in our area, there is only one sex specialist (whom I see) and she had no availability. She also has a policy of not seeing the partners of current clients. So he ended up going to a non-specialist, and that person ended up shaming him and making his problem worse. It took him the better part of a year to deal with it on his own. During that time, he would lie to me frequently about it, and was deeply ashamed of himself.
Five years later, we now have a foundation of trust, the sex has remained fantastic, we have kids, are established in our careers, and have a great home in the suburbs of a mid-sized town. My problem is, I don’t exactly know when would be the best time to bring up my preferred lifestyle of being poly. He is aware that I was poly before we got together, he knows who my partners were, and that I would like to be poly again in the future. I also know he experienced shame, dishonesty, and unfaithful partners in the past. Would bringing this up tarnish his progress? Should I wait longer? The thing is, sex with my partner is always very intense, either physically or emotionally. So sometimes I would just like to relax with sex and not have it be so emotionally taxing all the time … and I really don’t think that’s possible with my guy. I’m also bisexual and sometimes desire a different sex. Am I overthinking this?
—Poly on the Down Low
Dear Poly on the Down Low,
You are maybe overthinking this—not that there’s anything wrong with thinking a lot about something, but your thinking seems to be talking you out of action. Your husband is aware of your polyamorous activity in the past and your hopes for it in the future, so a discussion on this subject won’t land like a bombshell. It’s also been 5 years since your husband reconnected with you sexually. That seems like more than enough time to re-engage in a conversation that you already had—one that didn’t result in his rejection of you.
I would hold back the feedback about the intensity of your sex with your husband. Your feelings are valid, of course, but you don’t necessarily have to detail (or at least lead with) a rationale that could be taken as criticism. It could make him resentful of your desire to connect sexually with others or feel rejected, which I don’t think is your aim here. If any explanation is needed at all, you can start with your general inclination toward polyamory and perhaps your interest in variety, which is common and understandable. Perhaps this conversation will be the first in an ongoing series of them—it’s important to take it slow and maintain an exchange. Make sure you ask your husband about his boundaries and how he envisions this actually going down. Keep it collaborative, as you would any major life decisions as a couple. You might even directly ask him if your exploration of polyamory within the context of your relationship might trigger his past shame or compulsive behavior. He can’t predict the future, but he can give you a good sense of how the very idea affects him, eliminating a lot of the guesswork that is daunting you at the moment.
And just a word about “real, verifiable” porn “addiction”: While one can have a problematic relationship with porn that affects daily activities and responsibilities like work and relationships, the addiction model doesn’t quite apply to porn in a few ways. Psychologist and researcher Nicole Prause has studied the subject and shared her thoughts on qualifying porn as addictive on a 2023 episode of Justin Lehmiller’s Sex and Psychology podcast. I wrote about it in a past column but the gist is that porn doesn’t create withdrawal symptoms upon abstinence nor does it create dependence so that consumption becomes necessary “to reduce negative affect,” according to Prause. Just so you know!
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Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I are in our mid-50s, and we have been together for 15 years. Initially, we each had a very strong sex drive, having sex daily, often multiple times per day. Sex was pleasurable for us both—she and I would orgasm nearly every time.
After a couple years, we were given a puppy. Almost instantly, her sexual desire dropped. She gave all her physical attention to the dog. The frequency of sex dropped immediately, and over the years reduced to once per week at a maximum. As the frequency dropped, so did her ability to climax, until sex never provided any physical satisfaction for her.
My sex drive, on the other hand, has decreased, but I would still be happy with sex 3-4 times per week. More recently, sex has become painful for her. If we have sex, she’s clearly in pain. She gets upset with me if I pull out because she’s in pain, but it’s a real problem for her. She has spoken to her doctor and has tried a couple things that haven’t proven successful (low dose testosterone pellet, KY, etc.). On one recent vacation she was aroused and we had sex multiple times. These weren’t painful for her but they didn’t result in climax, either. I’ve suggested sex therapy, to which she has emphatically rejected.
We’ve tried things like extended foreplay, toys, and porn for her, to no avail. We’ve even tried taking sex off the table. For me, her pleasure is my only goal, so we’ve tried sex where there’s no penetration and it’s just me stimulating her in other ways, with no pressure to reciprocate, but that hasn’t worked either.
My wife is the sexiest woman in the world. I’ve tried to just touch her and masturbate for my own pleasure. Even then, after a week of no touching, when I try to touch her she groans in disgust and turns away from me, or moves so I can’t see her or touch her breasts, or says something like, “Oh my god, again!?”
I’m frustrated because it’s been a week or more since we’ve done anything. I know it’s not fair to have sex when it’s unsatisfying and painful, but the lack of any satisfaction for me has me at a breaking point. Pushing me away in disgust doesn’t reduce my sex drive, and I can’t seem to find any alternative that works for us both. I find myself increasingly looking forward to being apart so I can fantasize about great sex with someone who wants to be with me sexually (which is not good for our relationship). I am certain that I’m missing something that can meet our needs as a couple, but I’m too close to the situation to see it.
—Sexless in DC
Dear Sexless in DC,
It’s understandable that you’re at a breaking point—it seems that you’ve tried everything and there hasn’t been much movement in your sex life. Thing is, it seems your wife has been markedly less motivated than you are, and you’re not going to get far without her active participation. She has to want to want this, and her behavior suggests that she doesn’t. This is also completely understandable—not only has her drive dipped, sex is painful for her. I think some of the rejecting behaviors you described were unwarranted and borderline cruel, but I’d love to hear her side of the story. Maybe she feels harassed by how much you ask. Maybe she’s sick of trying things to no avail.
How seriously have you talked with her about your frustration? Are the conversations premised on the idea that routine sex is something you “should” be having, or have you focused specifically on your needs and hers? Are you fully aware of her interior experience and her hopes in terms of your sexual relationship? You wrote in search of something else to try, but techniques are useless without an active partner who shares your goals. There are more things she could try as a presumably menopausal woman to make sex less painful, such as local estrogen treatments, but she has to make that decision for herself.
She’s averse to sex therapy, but what about couples therapy? That might be a good way for you both to share your assessments of your sex life in front of an impartial third party. Conveying to her how dire the situation is for you, and asking her what she thinks you should do may be useful. It sounds to me like you are at the point where opening the relationship would be beneficial. Float that as a suggestion, but only when you are on good terms. Make sure it isn’t weaponized (or that it can’t be interpreted as such), but presented as a matter-of-fact solution to your problem.
Dear How to Do It,
I have finally met someone who is very compatible with me! I’m a pansexual female in my early 30s, and my partner is a straight male. I really love this guy, and he is very into sexual exploration, just like me. I say exploration instead of kink because I do not need certain things to get off, but I love being a sub, impact play, roleplay, ass worship, bondage, and am generally open to trying things as they spark my interest.
I have a need for support around two things. Firstly, my partner seems to get turned on by dirty talk, and in some scenarios, he calls me mommy. He asked me first, and I’m totally okay with this—it is so hot to me that it makes him hot. But on the occasions that he wants this type of dirty talk, I run out of things to say! There is no script for this. Is there a type of porn I can watch for ideas? Probing questions to ask?
The second thing is an offer he made me. He knows I date all people, and asked me if I would like to have a threesome. I initially said I am more open to hooking up with someone else 1:1 but that isn’t 100 percent true! Having him watch or participate a little bit would be a huge turn on for me. In all of my group sex fantasies with him, I’m the sub to him but we have someone to dominate together. I’m very open sexually, but a negative group sex experience has made me really nervous to try again. How can I dip my toes here into some play with him watching? Also, how should I try for this very specific dynamic that turns me on?
—Ready to Try It All
Dear Ready to Try It All,
I tend to liken requests for “dirty talk” (a term I always feel weird about printing because it seems stigmatizing, but I do it anyway since it’s the most common way to refer to said talk) to a writing assignment—it can be taxing and feel counterintuitive to existing in the moment. Basically, you’ll want to prepare ahead of time. Friend of the column Lola Jean, a sex educator, gave us a very thorough guide to getting into verbal domination a few years ago. This may be useful for your “mommy” moments. Some of the tips she gave involve generating some moods via a kink feelings chart and discussing potential names/phrases with your partner in advance. You can also discuss the kind of feelings that they want this dirty talk to conjure. This could help give your dialogue some direction. Practicing alone with what you generate from said planning, or even looking into an improv workshop were two suggestions from my HTDI co-writer Jessica Stoya in a chat we had on the subject.
Regarding the threesome-ish situation you are interested in pursuing, you can get really, really specific and create an app profile advertising your interest in the precise scenario you lay out: You’re looking for a third to engage with in some kind of play, and your guy may watch or join in, TBD. Feeld, with its focus on non-monogamy, might be a good place to start. You could also try your luck at a swingers or sex club. You had a bad past experience so your trepidation is justified, but if you go slow and/or find someone you’re really into, you can make this fantasy a pleasurable reality.
More Advice From Slate
I am 67 and I’ve been married to the same woman for 43 years. I know that before we married, she had been with about 10 other men sexually. I am only about 5.8 inches when fully erect, and for some reason that I can’t explain, I have been bothered lately wondering how many of the men that she had been with were bigger or even much bigger than me. Does a woman know the difference between say a half inch bigger or a whole inch bigger?
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