I Just Discovered That My Boyfriend and I Got Divorced for the Same Reason—and Other Advice From the Week

Slate publishes a lot of advice each week, so we’re pulling together a selection of our favorites. Here are a few of the most compelling questions from the week and links to hours of advice reading. This week: dating after divorce, navigating stepfamilies, and new moves in the bedroom.

Dear Prudence

Opened Past: I’m a 50-year-old woman. My boyfriend George and I have been dating casually for over two years and became exclusive at the beginning of this year. When we met, we knew we were both divorced and not looking for a serious commitment. We also didn’t disclose the reasons for our divorce, which was fine with me. The only information we knew was that both our divorces turned into an ugly mess. Three weeks ago, I attended the wedding of George’s son. I was warned ahead of time that George’s ex-wife Linda would be difficult and might be resentful of my presence. As predicted, Linda made a scene at the reception. After she was escorted away, George’s sister Melissa went to check up on me. We got to talking, and I pressed Melissa to reveal the reason for George’s divorce.

Linda had persuaded George to have an open marriage, and after being unhappy with the arrangement, they divorced. The revelation hit close to home for me, as that was what I did to my ex-husband. All of the guilt and remorse I felt in the months leading up to and after my own crumbled marriage resurfaced, and I saw myself in Linda. Like Linda, I too was viewed as a pariah by my own children and relatives. I’ve long regretted the choice I made and the hurt I caused my ex-husband and my children. It has taken me years to turn a corner and build back my relationship with my children. I’ve continually feared having to explain to any of my future partners the full details of my divorce. I had hoped after a few years of being together, I would feel comfortable enough to tell George the whole truth. Never in a million years did I think I would meet another man who went through the same struggles as my ex-husband. George is a sweet and loving man whom I feel comfortable moving forward in my life with. My heart would be broken for a second time if things were to end between us. I fear that once George learns about this part of my past he’ll end what we’ve just started. I’m not that woman anymore, and the reasons I wanted an open marriage were no longer important to me. Should I tell George the truth? I worry he will eventually find out. I’ve intentionally tried to limit George from any contact with my family. But my own children’s wedding days will be coming soon, and an easy slip-up could just as well happen. Should I confess my past deeds?

Care and Feeding

Overworked Stepmom: I’m a stepmom in a blended family. My husband has a 5-year-old son, “Corey,” from his first marriage, and together we have a 5-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. We used to have Corey on Sunday afternoons, but his mom took a new job when he started kindergarten and pushed for custody changes. Parenting two kids all week is exhausting, and now we have Corey Friday through Sunday every week too. Corey has a lot of trouble every time he switches over from his mom’s house to ours and tattles that his stepsister “isn’t following the rules”—but it’s because his mom is a helicopter parent, while our house is about independence-building. He’s clingy and needs help with everything, and the weekend is miserable for everyone.

Corey’s aunt takes him after school four days a week, but not on Fridays. This means we have to arrange once-a-week after-school care for him, which is expensive and inconvenient, and I usually end up having to be the one who leaves work early for pickup because that care ends at 4:45 p.m. I’m exhausted by this and the full weekend of managing our two kids plus Corey that comes afterward, including driving him to activities, like soccer games, that his mom is happy to sign him up for and leave to us to deal with. I need Corey’s aunt to take him on Fridays, at the very least, to make it fair, but she refuses because she blames me for her sister’s divorce. When I asked my husband to talk to his ex and her sister about making the child care arrangement fairer, he said he’d do it but then made excuses and never did. I know that the divorce was unfriendly, but it’s been nearly five years and I’m tired of dealing with this. Corey would benefit from more predictability with his aunt, I know. I also think if he wasn’t scheduled for weekend activities he’d become more independent. I can’t get any support for any of this! How do I get my calm weekends back?

How to Do It

Weak at Wrestling: I’m a woman in my 30s and have been married to my husband for eight years. We have a good sex life, but we occasionally try new things out to spice it up. My latest experiment was a bit of play wrestling as foreplay. We’re both pretty fit, and I thought it would get the blood flowing before moving on to sex.

Well, the first time we tried, my husband “Carl” simply grabbed me and pinned me down in about a second and a half. He didn’t even seem to be trying all that hard, just kind of held me down while I wriggled and tried to get out or at least loosen his grip. Nothing was hurt but my pride, but it put a damper on things and has been pretty embarrassing. I’m not sure if we need to go over some rules for play wrestling or if I need to take an actual wrestling class or something, because I would like to try this again and have it not fall flat again. Do you have any recommendations?

Pay Dirt

Morals About Money: I recently, unexpectedly, inherited a life-changing amount of money. I do have a lot of student loan debt and I have been considering paying them off all at once. A few things are holding me back and the big one is that I have a disability that affects my ability to work. I got really lucky finding a job where I only have to work part-time while getting paid a full-time, albeit fairly low, salary. I also have amazing health insurance, which is such a necessity now. My manager knows and is fine with this, but I am constantly worried that someone is going to find out how little work I do or that I will get a new manager and will no longer be able to work. I have not worked enough or made enough to get a decent amount of money on disability.

I also work at an organization that qualifies me for the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program. With what I am making and my income-based repayment plan, I will likely only have to pay back a fraction of what I borrowed. That is as long as the program stays in place, which is uncertain. I’m freaking out that I should pay it off now before my interest accrues more and I can’t pay it off. I’m about to buy a house and if I pay off my loans, I will have enough left over for a one-year emergency fund, an emergency fund for the house, and a little money to do something fun like go on a trip. If I don’t pay off my student loans, I will have all of that plus a safety net in case my health really tanks.

I’ve heard horror stories of really sick people getting turned down for disability. And, on top of all of this, I have family that is pressuring me to pay back the loans. They already hate that I’m in the loan forgiveness program, they think all debts should be paid back, but now they are calling me selfish for even considering not paying it off with my inheritance. I just can’t keep their words out of my head because, before university, I also thought debts should be paid, in full. I just can’t get their words out of my head and I feel like I can’t think clearly about what I should do. Every option feels like a risk and a moral failing on some level. Can you give me some advice?

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