He doesn’t know I know.
Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m 28, and I’m pregnant with my second child. I have no college loans, but my husband and I have a mortgage that we’d only be able to afford together because he makes much more. I also have a car loan. I make $50,000 a year in a low cost of living area, and max out my 401(k) contributions for employer match. Our biggest expense is daycare. We got married young so he’s always managed our money, but I need to start planning with mine and I don’t know how.
I recently found out with very concrete evidence that my husband has been in a long-term affair from before our wedding until now. He doesn’t know I know. I want to get divorced but in my state divorce isn’t allowed during pregnancy, which means I need to wait at least five more months. But then I’ll have a newborn and that’s a hard time to do things. I’d like to believe my soon-to-be ex would be fair about money but I’m not sure he would so I need to do this privately. I want to get my financial ducks in a row and find a divorce attorney so I’m ready when the moment is right but I have no idea where to start. What financial things do I need to start thinking about here?
—Everything Is Falling Apart
Dear Everything Is Falling Apart,
Wow, I’m so sorry you’re going through this incredibly difficult situation. Discovering your husband’s long-term affair, especially while pregnant, must be devastating. Getting your finances in order is a smart and proactive step.
First, take a deep breath. You’re doing the right thing by planning ahead and seeking guidance. Gather any important documents: bank statements, tax returns, pay stubs, investment accounts, and any other financial records. Having a clear picture of your assets and debts will be crucial in the divorce process. In that vein, also check your credit report and make sure you have a good understanding of any joint debts or accounts. If possible, start establishing credit in your own name, such as opening a credit card account. But know you are legally entitled to credit established jointly during your marriage. And if you don’t already have one, open a bank account in your name only. Start setting aside money for legal fees and living expenses. Be cautious about moving large sums, as this could raise red flags during the divorce proceedings.
While you get your financial accounts in order, review how much you’re spending each month, particularly the costs associated with raising your children. This will help you plan for your financial future as a single parent. Think about whether you want to stay in your current home or move. Can you move in with a family member? If not, start researching affordable housing options in your area.
And of course, a crucial step will be finding a tough, smart, highly-experienced family law attorney who can guide you through the legal process and protect your interests. Many offer free initial consultations, so take advantage of these to find the right fit. You can also talk with a financial planner or accountant who specializes in divorce. They can help you make informed decisions about property division, child support, and long-term financial planning.
Remember you don’t have to go through this alone. Lean on trusted friends and family for emotional support. Consider joining a support group for women going through divorce or seeking counseling to help you cope with the emotional toll. Take things one step at a time. Focus on your well-being during the end of your pregnancy. The timing may not be ideal, but you’ll figure out the right moment to move forward with the divorce when you’re ready. You’re stronger than you realize, and you’re making the best decisions you can for yourself and your children. Hang in there, keep moving forward, and know that brighter days lie ahead.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My partner and I live in a great neighborhood in a very high-cost-of-living city. Our landlords live below us and they are lovely. Our rent is way below market and we help with yard work and regular household maintenance, as well as do things like occasionally pet sit for them. We do not have a formal arrangement (or even a lease). We have been here for 15 years and in that time they have never raised our rent. We voluntarily raised it ourselves once, by about 10 percent, when we both started working at home since utilities are included and we wanted to make up for increased usage.
My partner and I disagree on whether we should raise it ourselves again. With the way rent and other costs have exploded in the past few years, our below-market rate is even further below market rate, but I also think that our landlords will need even more help from us as they age (they are in good health but in their 70s). My partner and I both make decent salaries and could afford to pay more monthly. We also both grew up poor and our below-market rent is a big factor in our current financial stability, and pretty much the only reason we have a good amount of savings now (we have about $100,000 saved, which sounds like a lot but will truly not go far if we want to buy a house in our area).
I think we should keep saving as much as we can, knowing that one day we will need to move (because they may sell the house or simply because we will get sick of living and working in a tiny one-bedroom walk-up with no laundry). Of course, they could ask us to pay more and we would. My partner thinks it’s our responsibility to self-declare an increase and start paying more because our landlords are too nice to ask us. If we ask the landlords outright if we should pay more, they are likely to wave it off or change the subject because they do not like to discuss money. Is my partner right? Or am I right to think that we should just keep quietly saving as much as we can?
—Smart or Greedy?
Dear Smart or Greedy,
I understand your dilemma. It’s clear that you and your partner are both considerate tenants who appreciate your landlords’ years of kindness and want to do right by them. Still, this isn’t really a choice between being smart or greedy. While your partner’s instinct to pay more rent is admirable, I don’t think you’re being greedy by wanting to maintain the status quo. Your landlords have chosen not to raise the rent for 15 years, and you’ve already taken the initiative to increase it once to account for your hike in utility usage. You also contribute to the household in non-monetary ways through yard work, maintenance, and pet-sitting. What’s that worth?
If your landlords needed or wanted you to pay more, they would likely bring it up, even if they’re generally uncomfortable discussing money. The fact that they haven’t suggests that they’re content with your current arrangement.
That said, it’s wise to consider the future: theirs and yours. As your landlords age, they may require more assistance from you. Are you ready to take on more of the caregiving mantle? Perhaps you could have a conversation with them about how you can best support them going forward, whether through additional rent or by taking on more property management responsibilities. This would show that you care about their well-being and are committed to being good tenants and neighbors.
As for your future, how long will you be content to rent a tiny one-bedroom with no laundry? What will tip the balance for you and for your partner? You two should be able to have an honest dialogue about where and how you want to live, and plan for that eventual outcome. In the meantime, continue being the thoughtful, responsible tenants you clearly are. And, keep saving wisely for your future. Wishing you all the best as you navigate this situation with care and integrity.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I are soon-to-be retirees, and in moderately good health considering our age. We are by no means rich, but hope to have a little in the bank, plus some real estate to leave behind when we are gone. We’ve procrastinated the task of making a will because we can’t figure out what to do. We have two adult children and some grandchildren. The issue is that one of the kids is very independent, was always an excellent student, and is now a successful physician, married to someone who is also professionally successful. The other kid is basically the opposite. Now in their mid-30s, with no stable job, no real education, and no sense when it comes to money.
So here’s the question. Do we leave more to the one who needs it the most? Or reward the one who has always worked hard and been responsible? Split it down the middle and hope for the best? I don’t see inheritance as a performance-based bonus. But I also don’t want it all tossed away by the irresponsible one.
—Indecisive Mom
Dear Indecisive Mom,
You’re worried about balancing your children’s needs and merits. I get that. But you might also think about how they’ll feel about you and each other if you split your estate unequally. If you want them to have a good relationship after you’re gone, then you need to decide what you think is fair and open up the communication channels so they understand why you’ve made these decisions.
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. It depends on your values, your relationship with your children, and what you believe will be best for your family in the long run. That said, here are a few thoughts to consider:
1. Equal doesn’t always mean fair. If one child genuinely needs more support, there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that in your will. It’s not about playing favorites; it’s about meeting each child’s unique needs.
2. Consider the potential impact on your children’s relationship. Will leaving more to one cause resentment or strain between them? Is there a way to explain your decision that emphasizes love and concern rather than judgment?
3. Think about structuring the inheritance in a way that promotes responsibility. For example, you could set up a trust for your less stable child with conditions for how the money is used (e.g., for education, housing, or health care). This can provide a safety net without enabling irresponsible behavior.
4. Remember that your will is just one part of your legacy. Continue to express your love, pride, and support for both children in your words and actions. Make sure they each feel valued for who they are, not just what they’ve achieved.
Ultimately, you and your husband need to decide together how you want to handle your estate. Once you do, invite your children for a conversation about what you have and how you’re thinking about your legacy. State your piece, then ask your children for feedback. They may have other suggestions you can consider. When you’ve settled on a plan, consult with an estate attorney to make sure your wishes are documented appropriately. Above all, remember that your financial legacy will never be more important than your emotional one. If your children feel loved and heard, it will make this difficult process a lot easier.
Dear Pay Dirt,
Is it ever OK to fake a family member’s death to get time off of work? I’m in my early 20s and just landed the high-pressure job I went to trade school for. I’ve been at it for three months now, and am doing a good job. My supervisors are very happy with my performance, and they (and myself) are honestly surprised that I am doing as well as I am. It’s a lot of work, but I’m finding myself not overwhelmed with the job but instead with my personal life. A month ago, my now ex-boyfriend raped me. I just decided not to think about it because I had so much going on between work and school and thought that couldn’t be happening to me.
Yesterday, I had a complete mental breakdown while buying groceries, and I’m realizing that I need to take time off of work to figure out what I need to do before I freak out there and humiliate myself. Things have been pretty tough at work the past week or so, though, and I’m worried that if I give a vague excuse like “personal issues,” it will come across as me not liking the job/getting burnt out. I was promoted from an entry-level position and there were some concerns about whether that was a good idea. I’m also not openly gay at work (it’s a male-dominated field and all of my co-workers are over 50) and even if I were, this is super TMI. Anyway, this brings me to my question, would it be wrong to fake a death/family emergency? Or illness? Should I just say I’m taking a vacation? Help?
—Bereavement Leave
Dear Bereavement Leave,
It was heart-wrenching to read your letter. I am incredibly sorry for what you’ve been through. Being raped by someone you trusted is a traumatic experience that no one should ever have to endure. Your feelings of distress, confusion, and the need for time to process and heal are completely valid.
Taking some time for yourself is a good idea. But, faking a death or family emergency isn’t the right approach. Lying about something so serious could easily backfire. A well-meaning colleague might look for a death notice, and not find one. This would damage your credibility if the truth were to come out.
I think you should be honest with your supervisor about needing some personal time off, without feeling obligated to disclose the details of your trauma. You can simply say that you’re dealing with a personal or family crisis and need a short leave of absence to take care of your mental health and well-being. Create a plan for your work so you’re not leaving the company in the lurch. Make sure your boss knows how many days you’ll be out and if you can be reached in the event of an emergency. Many employers have policies in place for this type of situation, such as allowing the use of sick days or unpaid leave. You should plan to use this time before asking for unpaid leave.
If you feel comfortable, you could also reach out to your company’s human resources department for guidance and support. They may be able to provide resources or accommodations to help you during this difficult time, such as a modified work schedule or referrals to counseling services. There are also organizations such as RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) that offer confidential hotlines and resources for survivors of sexual assault. As far as work goes, please trust that your work performance thus far has demonstrated your capability and commitment, and that taking care of yourself will only make you stronger in the long run.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
I’m getting married to the woman of my dreams this June. We’re both medical professionals, and I have a very high amount of loans ($230,000) while she has none. We’ve fought several times about whether or not she will help to pay these loans off when we’re married.
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