I Met the Guy I’ve Been Desperately Searching For. Except…He’s Ugly.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve recently started seeing a new guy and everything has been great. He’s so sweet, flirty, good at planning dates, etc. I’ve been striking out so much on dating lately that I’m relieved to have finally made a genuine connection! The issue is: I’m excited about everything except his looks.

He’s bald and very different than what I’m normally attracted to physically. We hooked up recently for the first time and it was good but not great. I’m battling between thinking that it’s the first time and it can get better and worrying that I’m trying to make this work because I like him so much but will ultimately find that I am not that attracted to him. Can you build attraction to someone with time? Should I cut my losses and hop back into the dating scene?

—Make the Eyes Grow Fonder

Dear Make the Eyes Grow Fonder,

You can definitely build attraction over time to someone you are initially kind of meh about, just as you can lose attraction to someone that you were once totally hot for. It often comes down to the dynamic and quality of the sex you have together and your bond. It’s too early to tell how this will shake out—I recommend continuing to date him with more sex sprinkled in. If you can build upon good-but-not-great sex, maybe you can get it to great. First-time jitters and feeling things out can make for lackluster sex. If the connection is as good as you think it is, this is worth at least a bit more time—say a few months, at least. That’s not so much time that you’ll look back if things don’t work out and wonder why you wasted your life on a dude that you weren’t really into. Ultimately, it’s a small investment toward a potential love connection.

If you happen to click with him sexually, you may find yourself more forgiving of his perceived aesthetic shortcomings. If he shows you a hotter side to his personality in bed (by getting really comfortable and coming fully out of his shell), he may actually become more attractive. At least for me, the way a guy carries himself can do a lot for his magnetism and I would recommend that you stay open to that possibility, too. At the same time, stay aware of the chance that you’re potentially trying to make this work with a guy you just aren’t attracted to. Approach this mindfully, taking in data via your observations and staying in tune with your feelings. You’ll know when it’s time to bump him up to a more serious status or drop the relationship, as long as you give it the appropriate amount of time to run its due course.

Dear How to Do It,

I, a 34-year-old woman, consider myself a dominant-leaning switch, but I find that the longer I get into a partnership the more “in my head” I get about how best to domme and the more submissive I get, both to my frustration and the mild dissatisfaction of partners who were/are drawn to domme energy. I’m more of a soft/high protocol/pleasure domme—I’ve experimented with more sadistic/hard/master/power play stuff and never felt as comfortable doing that (it always feels like playing a character who isn’t me). But as a result of all the healthy communication I’ve learned to do, over time I’ve started to pile up this list of “this went well” or “this wasn’t as appealing,” and then I can’t set the framework aside and be present in the moment. Then I end up overwhelmed and more submissive than I want, and everyone’s a bit disappointed. How do I break this cycle?

I’ve even taken a fun workshop centered on helping femme/nonbinary people workshop their domme personalities (which helped, though, I haven’t had a chance to try it out). My current primary partner is endlessly kind, thoughtful, and open about his desires. But then every time he has a hook up with a domme and excitedly tells me about it I get sad, and then MORE in my head.

—Too Conscientious Domme

Dear Too Conscientious Domme,

What I read in your letter is frustration stemming from who you are and what you are most comfortable doing in a given moment. You’re being hard on yourself. Why is it that, knowing you’ll be disappointed later, you don’t push through your submissive tendencies and just take on the domme role that you think you should? Because it wouldn’t feel right at that point. If your sub side coming out is the result of healthy communication then you should either lean into that and accept what your body is telling you or cease your internal listing of what went well and what didn’t. I think the most direct path to happiness here is self-acceptance. But experiment with the other way if you think it’ll yield a more successful outcome. You’re also sitting on what you learned in that workshop—employ it and see if that makes the difference.

Your partner’s disappointment at your sub side manifesting is itself disappointing. You’re a switch, not a malfunctioning domme. You have multiple sexual sides and, from what I gather, are upfront about that. You are better off with a partner who is similarly switchy or who can at least accept you as you are. If him describing his experiences with other dommes is interfering with your ability to perform as you wish, just ask him to stop sharing that information.

On a personal note, what you wrote reminded me of the pressure that some queer men put on themselves sexually—often to top or maintain the prerequisites to be “a top.” Your general vibe is something that I recognize possessing myself at times. I think the healthiest way to approach this is to rid yourself of the pressure to fit a certain category and just be. I know that gets complicated with the kind of communication and planning that can go into BDSM scenes, but none of that planning is set in stone. It’s much better to do what feels right than to live up to an impossible image you’ve set for yourself.

Shifting gears a bit, I reached out to friend of the column, sex educator, and 7 Days of Domination co-headmistress Lola Jean for some more insight and practical tips to break the cycle, as you requested. She responded to your letter in an email, which I’m printing below:

Being a switch in a relationship can be a difficult one to navigate especially if you started off more exclusively on one side of the slash. Since a BDSM scene is mostly influenced by the sub’s desires with the Dominant shaping that, a great place to start is from what your partner enjoys or wants, which you can work on shaping together through negotiations, dirty talk, and just generally getting to know their desires better and what excites you about them, too. This is especially important with the delicacy of your switchiness as you can root back to what he wants instead of putting so much pressure on yourself. It is not only your responsibility to figure out these roles, both of you need to figure out how to get there together. 

Often close partners with rooted dynamics have trouble “staying in character” during a scene because it’s easy to rib each other. Something that can be helpful for that commitment is having a clear beginning and end, perhaps with a ritual like a sensation inventory of the body, breathing exercises, or even a rhythmic activity you both enjoy where they are the bottom like rope, impact, or wax play. I’d recommend adding a form of sensory deprivation as this is an easy tool for submission. You’re literally taking away one of their senses while you retain all of yours. In addition to your regular safe words and gestures I recommend having one each of you can use when the D/s switching is happening during your scene like saying “Serious?,” in order to gauge if this is part of the play or something is annoying or throwing you off your game. Use this as a tool to check in with each other and work towards your end goal of the scene being fun for everyone!

Some of the other trouble I hear is this pressure to “put on a character” be it the archetype or comparing yourself to other partners. When we put on characters, it is easier to lose control, feel like an imposter, or break scene and have trouble bouncing back. I encourage you to find the Dominant version of you. Whoever you feel like you can’t be in your everyday life, be that. Amplify parts of yourself, especially the parts you like or feel like you don’t get enough permission to show. The loud parts you feel you have to quiet. The impetuous parts. You know your partner better than most, so drawing from [yourself] should also reward in spades. 

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m a man in my 20s and I have been seeing a new guy. I recently picked up on one of his strange quirks. He needs to have the lights off when we have sex, no exceptions. I’ve tried to switch them on before and he’ll quickly stop me. Or if the lights are already on, he’ll go out of his way to stop what we’re doing and turn them off. At first, I brushed it off, but it keeps coming up again and again. It doesn’t bother me too much but it’s strange, isn’t it? How can I gently bring this up to him?

—I Want to See You

Dear I Want to See You,

“Strange” maybe isn’t the word that I would use (surely, you’ve heard of people preferring lights-off sex), but this case does sound extreme. I wonder if he’s trying to hide something—not necessarily in a nefarious way, but maybe he has some bacne or something else he’s ashamed of? I would tread lightly here for fear of causing him to retreat further. Of course, it’s reasonable for a person to want to see what is going on. I, myself, like to see the dick I’m sucking for aesthetic reasons but also to make sure it doesn’t have, like, a gaping sore on it.

You say you aren’t bothered, though, so this may not be worth bringing up at this juncture. He has his reasons and men tend to have a hard time discussing their sensitivities, especially to people they don’t know well. If you want to pursue this line of discussion, though, I think you should just ask next time if you can keep the lights on. He’ll probably say no, and that’s your in to question why. He may not tell you as he may also have a lights-off attitude regarding personal matters, but that gives you some data at least. Are you comfortable being with someone who is explicitly not giving you information? Sounds like you aren’t serious so perhaps his response could make or break your situationship.

Dear How to Do It,

I met this young man exactly two years ago. I’m 54 and he is 30. We were both going through a divorce. Neither of us was in a good space emotionally. However, we got along so well. We would talk for hours. He would compare our relationship to Romeo and Juliet. He would say that we were perfect for each other with the exception of our age. He doesn’t have children and I can no longer have children. We grew to love each other very much and although we have tried to end the sexual part of our relationship, we still will meet about once every couple of months. However, we talk about once a week. We don’t have other relationships due to not wanting obligations right now.

I know I’m not going to have sex with someone else knowing I have him. He will meet someone and say, she’s immature or they don’t have anything in common. We truly don’t know what to do. We are each other’s safe space. We have become so close. I truly want him to meet someone and have his children. He says he always wants me in his life. We say we are best friends and we both are so aware of our age difference. What do we do? Cut off the sex? Wait inevitably until he finds someone else?

—Juliet

Dear Juliet,

I’m sorry to burst your dramaturgical bubble, but a 24-year age difference does not star-crossed lovers make. Yeah, it’s considerable, but it’s not obscene. He’s a fully grown man and you’re a mature woman. If the genders were reversed, I doubt anyone involved would be wringing their hands—that’s how normalized the May-December relationship between an older man and younger woman has become. Is there anything outside of childbearing concerns that’s making you feel like this is a misbegotten union? If not and you’re just operating on the principle that 54-year-old women don’t usually couple up with 30-year-old men, then you’re doing worse than letting society dictate how you should lead your life—you’re letting a notion of society’s position dictate how you should lead your life. You’re writing the hypothesis and then fulfilling it to your relationship’s peril.

Don’t do that! This guy is your best friend and your safe space? Hold onto him. You can’t stop having sex? Why should you? Have him over more than once every couple of months. Do it every week. Every day, even! Why not? For children, there are more options for you than conventional conception—adoption is one of them. He could look into other means of making babies if it’s a huge concern. Does he care about procreating so much that he wants to hang up this relationship for the sake of it? If not, but he’s feeling the pull of fatherhood, an open relationship might be worth pursuing. It could be tricky to navigate if he meets someone with whom he wants to have children, but it would at least keep you in each other’s lives.

The only thing that gives me some pause is the current distance between you. You rhapsodize about this man, but you only talk to him once a week. Is that because you’re both consciously putting distance between you in an attempt to extinguish a fire that doesn’t want to go out? Or have you naturally grown apart and you’re still holding onto something that clearly isn’t meant to be? I get the sense that it’s the former, so if that is, in fact, the case, take it away and live your lives as they’re meant to be lived: together.

—Rich

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