I Recently Found Out What My Husband’s Been Watching on His Computer. This Explains Everything.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a middle-aged married woman. I recently found out that my husband has been watching anal porn. He would be interested mostly in “first time anal for women” porn. Why do you think it is his fantasy? We don’t do anal, but I remember one time when he asked if we should try anal. I’m very old-fashioned, and I joked that it is a shit hole and it is meant for that and it is not romantic at all.

After several months, we engaged in sex less and less. Now, it has been four years since we had last sex (he had problems getting hard). But I know he doesn’t have erection problems because he masturbates to anal porn. When I found out about him, he said he is not addicted to porn. He watches porn to masturbate to avoid prostate problems but does not engage in intimacy with me. He rejected and gave excuses every time I asked to have sex. We have not been able to talk deeper level about it yet. So, please tell me what could be his problem.

—Getting to the Bottom of This

Dear Getting to the Bottom of This,

Just because someone can achieve an erection by himself doesn’t mean he is without sexual issues—sometimes, the psychological factors in place can make partnered sex fraught when masturbation isn’t. The plumbing might be OK, but it can be useless without a solid foundation.

I’m not convinced that your husband’s E.D. is tied to his apparent interest in anal. There’s a potential scenario in which he really wants anal sex, you shot him down, and he lost interest in having sex with you, but that’s just one possibility. You’d need more information to be sure of that. Yes, it does seem like your husband wants to have anal sex (the combination of the porn plus his proposition makes that nearly certain), but the apparent E.D. may be separate from that. Unless you’re watching him masturbate, you don’t really know how that’s going anyway—he could be less than fully hard when he masturbates (i.e. not hard enough to penetrate you) and still be able to achieve orgasm.

But the real issue here, as you intuit, is communication. He’s shot you down, and you are in the dark about what’s going on. You could keep asking, though if you do so, make sure you aren’t coming off as judgmental. For example, you may think your “shit hole” comment is a joke, but many people who enjoy anal (a completely valid form of sex) could find it less than humorous. They might even be offended. In conversations about your sex life, or lack thereof, your tone should be one of curiosity and acceptance as you are trying to procure data. Anything negative could shut him down. If you don’t get anywhere, consider couples counseling or sex therapy. If you can’t get him to go with you, consider going by yourself. Even if answers aren’t coming from him, having someone to talk to regularly about this might help you sort it at—or at least, what your expectations are versus what you’re getting.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 34-year-old woman. Recently, I’ve been having hot flashbacks to an intense fling that I had with an acquaintance about six years ago. We were both in open relationships with long-term partners, and we live in different cities. I’m still with my person and still non-monogamous. However, we’ve since had a kid, so the open status may not be obvious. I have no idea what the guy’s relationship status is at this point, since we haven’t spoken in years and he has very little presence on social media. I’m finding myself fantasizing about this person and want to re-establish flirty contact, but have no idea how to do that in a way that doesn’t feel cringeworthy and/or potentially disrespectful! I changed my phone number since we last spoke, so any text conversation would have to be prefaced with a reintroduction. I could message him on social media, but it feels way out of left field. I usually lean toward direct communication, but it seems that i should get a sense of what his life is like now before jumping in with “I’ve been thinking about you railing me.” What’s the script here?

—Still Slutty

Dear Still Slutty,

To enact this script, you should get over worrying about being cringeworthy. Hitting on someone means putting yourself out there, and it means you might make your object of desire cringe. That’s just how it goes. His reaction will naturally depend on his interest—he won’t be cringing if he’s been having similar reminiscences. Being respectful here is easy—don’t lead with aggressive sexuality. Take a hint if you aren’t seeing enthusiasm reciprocated and back off.

My gut tells me social media is the move—it’s out of left field, sure, but I think there’s less pressure that comes with a DM. It’s when-I-get-around-to-it communication. A text is slightly more urgent, but I don’t think you’d be wrong for reaching out that way either. You don’t have to explain much regarding your changed number: “Hi, it’s X. I changed my number since we last spoke but I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to reach out,” or something like it would do the trick. Real easy.

Let the pleasantries unfurl in this reacquainting conversation. I recommended mentioning you’ve been thinking about him up top because it’s suggestive. You can throw in a few more signs of interest as the conversation unfolds, but again, if you don’t see him throwing any back, you can take that as an answer. It would suck to learn that he isn’t as excited to be back in touch with you as you are with him, but a rude awakening could be useful—it’ll let you know it’s time to forget about him once and for all and move on to someone you can make new fantasies with.

Dear How to Do It,

My husband (43-year-old man) and I (42-year-old woman) recently opened up our marriage of 15 years. Things are generally going well, but there is one small snag I don’t know how to deal with. He’s been seeing this guy, “Frank.” Frank’s a doctor, in his mid-30s, and is the most deeply unpleasant person I’ve ever met.

Most of Frank’s small talk is about his patients, who are usually described with epithets like “shitheads,” and stories about how they do foolish things that get them sick or injured. He says he wishes they could just die and not have to bother him with dealing with that sort of person. He has also insulted both my husband and I for having children, because “breeders” are apparently the primary cause of climate damage. He’s very frequently sarcastic, and not the joking funny sort of sarcasm, the bitter nasty sort. I can’t stand him.

I have no idea what my husband sees in him, other than that the sex is apparently mind-blowing. I think this relationship is deeply unhealthy, and more to the case, I don’t want to be around Frank at all or let him into the home. I don’t want to lay down any ultimatums to my husband or stop him from exploring his bisexuality, but I’m not sure how else I can retain my sanity, which I am convinced can’t survive more contact with this reprobate.

—Poly Problems

Dear Poly Problems,

After reading your letter, I may forever be slightly paranoid that my doctors are calling me a shithead behind my back while mocking my ailments. So thank you for that. In seriousness, what’s keeping you from having an exploratory conversation with your husband about what seems like the rather objective unpleasantness coming from Frank? Lover or not, “get a load of that guy” is a fairly standard conversation to have with your partner when an extreme personality leaves your house. You have good reasons for your wariness of Frank that have to do with his character, not his identity. At the very least, such a conversation may give you some clarity on what your husband sees in the guy.

Perhaps, though, it’s not for you to understand why your husband is into him. You have the option of accepting their relationship while keeping it at arm’s length. Tell your husband you’d rather not interact with him. If you bar him from your house, that’ll probably stir up drama (something you clearly want to avoid), but you don’t have to be a participant in this side quest. Make yourself scarce when you know Frank is coming over. I would also refrain from talking about the perceived unhealthiness of this relationship. Your husband doesn’t seem to find Frank as unpleasant as you do.

Indeed, sometimes dudes are dicks, and sometimes other dudes don’t mind this because they think it’s funny or they’re willing to look past it on account of the amazing sex. Your gut is telling you something, but Frank’s behavior is open to interpretation, which is why I think talking to your husband about it might be so useful. There’s a chance here that Frank is coming off as joking-funny sarcastic instead of bitter to your husband—allow him his interpretation and respect your own by letting them do their thing alone.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a man married to a man, both in our mid-50s. We do not have relations very often due to my low sex drive (and yes, this has been discussed with my doctor). My husband likes to be the receiver. This is not my thing, but I was willing to top early in our relationship to make him happy. However, over the years, my husband no longer wants to do the prep work for this. The last three times I topped, there has been a mess. I do not like this at all. I’ve told him if he cannot meet me half way and do the cleaning prep work, then I do not want to top him, especially since it is not my thing. He says he is clean after showering, but this is not sufficient for me as it still has the same outcome. I need more of a deep cleaning.

Am I being unreasonable? He says he wants me to do it (clean it) for him, as part of foreplay, but it is a turn off to me. I do not know if he is joking about that or not, as he can try to be a comedian at times.

—Crappy Outcomes

Dear Crappy Outcomes,

No, you aren’t being unreasonable. Shit happens, and when it’s intermittent and accidental, I think a sensible top lets it slide. However, when a bottom sets a pattern like the one your husband has, he risks turning his hole into no man’s land. Because in addition to happening, shit repels.

What you describe is very strange behavior on your husband’s part given that you’re begrudgingly topping him in the first place. Does he realize the degree to which you are uninterested in penetrating him? What he’s doing is akin to insisting that a vegetarian who’s already full go out to eat and that the restaurant be a steakhouse. Why should you even bother? If I were you, I’d simply refuse until he started douching again. It really doesn’t have to be too big a project—it can be a very streamlined process with regular fiber intake (like supplemental psyllium husk). Ideally, this becomes something that just takes a few minutes—a small price to pay for the comfort of one’s partner, which by the way, he should be invested in.

He probably isn’t kidding about wanting you to help him prep before sex—or if he is, it could be one of those things that is a “joke” that he’d be willing to take seriously if you were into it. You aren’t, so the point is moot. But you put your foot down there, so use that same resolve toward sex. Don’t do it until he agrees to clean up his act.

More How to Do It

I’m hoping you can supply me with some guidance, readings, and maybe some comfort. Tonight, my fiancé told me about his main kink. We have been together for six years and are getting married in less than a month. It’s been a huge surprise and is sending me for a loop.