It challenges what I thought I knew.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I have been married for almost two years, and we have a 1-year-old son. I have not had sex in a year and a half. I ask my husband almost daily for sex, but he always seems to have an excuse. We have talked about whether he should talk to a medical professional (he does not want to); my feelings and needs (he says he understands and is trying); my openness to trying anything he wants, he just needs to let me know (he says he is only into “normal” things); and asked if he wants to open our marriage (NO was the answer). However, none of that has worked. Even though we talked extensively about sex before we got married (and had sex), I feel like he became a different, sexless person after we got married.
I started to consider maybe he was asexual, which OK, I can handle that. Here comes my question: I was checking his browsing history (with his permission, I was looking for an article we had discussed a few weeks ago) and realized he watches porn every day. He did not realize his phones/devices were synced. I made a joke about it and I said he knows I love (ethical) porn, and I would be down for watching it with him anytime. It seems like he is really into cheating wife porn and pregnancy porn, which I find odd because he refused to have sex with me after we found out I was pregnant. So, he likes porn and is not asexual. What more can I do to not be in a celibate marriage?
—Just Want the D
Dear Just Want the D,
Your assessment of your husband’s sexuality may be spot on, but I think it’s important to note that some asexual people do watch and enjoy porn—poke around message boards (like this one or this Reddit thread) and you’ll see people identifying as both ace and porn-watchers (some good explanations as to how one can square the two are in this thread). If you’re drawing the conclusion that your husband isn’t ace without actually having a conversation, it would be worth it to circle back around with him to be sure.
It’s good that you’re communicating as a couple, though, even if it hasn’t gotten you anywhere so far. Some couples don’t even get to that step. If I were you, I’d ask what he thinks you should do. He “understands” and “is trying,” but what if he can’t provide for those needs ultimately? How does he see this playing out? If he has no answers, perhaps you can suggest some of your own (provided, of course, that you’re into them): couples counseling or your previous suggestion of opening up the relationship. Floating these options may not yield a yes, but they may at least create space for a new line of dialogue. It may feel premature, but you can also discuss the idea of breaking up over this ostensible mismatch. Does he see that as a viable option, and if not, what is he willing to do to ensure things don’t get there? His answers may show you just how invested he is in overcoming this issue.
How to Get Advice From How to Do It
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Dear How to Do It,
I just turned 40, and I’m seeing an amazing woman. She’s smart, funny, caring, and loyal. She also has a very heightened libido. Most times (four out of five) we see each other we end up in bed. I’m a little ashamed to say that, if memory serves, I’ve only ever had sex maybe two or three times in my life, and I can’t bring myself to make love to my girlfriend. That’s partly because of general anxiety, partly because I’m concerned that I’m going to do something to screw it up, so instead of trying, I deflect and try to move past doing it. She wants to make love to me, and mentally I want to make love to her, but I just can’t bring myself to get excited about it. When I’m on my own, with the right motivation, it takes no time at all to get myself off. She assures me that this isn’t an issue, but I know on some levels it is. How do I push through this and get to the other side?
—Anxious
Dear Anxious,
You end up in bed with this woman 80 percent of the time, and…then what? Are you engaging in any kind of sexual activity? The semantics of your letter make it somewhat unclear, but it seems like the main issue is that you’re averse to intercourse, which you define as having sex. I wonder if you’re having other kinds of sex like oral and manual, but since they don’t fit your narrow working definition of what it means to “have sex” and “make love,” they don’t count to you. Non-PIV sex is still sex. Some people, in fact, identify as not being interested in vaginal/anal sex, but only oral/manual—they’re called sides (this is a fairly common identity amongst queer men). All this is to say that if you enjoy some forms of sex and not others, it doesn’t mean you’re deficient. It may just be how you’re wired (at least at the moment), thus worth leaning into. Your girlfriend wants “to make love” to you, but what you want is also important. Squaring competing desires is what being in a relationship is all about.
There exists, of course, the possibility that you aren’t having any sexual contact—you head to bed and immediately pull out the daily crossword. There are ways to get over this and ways to accept it. If your anxiety is at all attached to your dick’s functioning, a PDE5 inhibitor like sildenafil (Viagra) or tadalafil (Cialis) could help mitigate your fears by giving you some assurance that if in fact you are turned on, your dick will likely get up and stay there. You could talk to your doctor about a prescription. It might be useful to pop a pill and then just go for it—this may be an instance where performing once or twice will prove to you that you can indeed do it and the confidence you accrue will help mitigate future performance anxiety.
You should also check in with yourself. You want to have sex with your partner in the abstract, but what’s your body saying? Do you feel legitimate sexual attraction for her? You can get off on your own, but when you’re doing that, do thoughts of how much you want to have sex with your girlfriend (or her general likeness or anyone else’s for that matter) permeate your fantasies? The broadest definition of asexuality is lacking sexual attraction. You have had what you define as sex two or three times in the four decades that you’ve been on Earth. Seems like it might be time to at least consider this as a possible identity. There are a lot of good books on the market that could help you think this through—Cody Daigle-Orians’ I Am Ace and Angela Chen’s Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, among them. These books may not contain the answers you’re looking for, but they contain answers all the same. Check ‘em out.
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Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend has a habit that he finds incredibly sexy and I find extremely annoying. We recently moved in together and have just begun to start the very fun (not) process of figuring out how to clean our apartment together/do chores, etc. This isn’t something I ever really ran into before because I guess we weren’t really spending time together tidying up like that, but he loves to try to get sexual when we’re trying to get stuff around the house done! If I’m doing dishes? He’ll come in from behind and start trying to kiss me/touch me. Cleaning surfaces or vacuuming? Same thing. I usually just shrug away and sometimes we’ve had sex instead. Once or twice is fine, but really it’s just annoying! I’m trying to get our things in order and done and he’s just goofing off. He mentioned briefly that he enjoys the sort of “maid” fantasy so I think that might be somewhat of what’s at play—and I understand that this can be a good thing for keeping our sex drives alive and fun after moving in together. But it doesn’t really work for me. How do I let him down gently?
—Let Me Clean in Peace
Dear Let Me Clean in Peace,
It’s nice that you want to let him down gently. It shows that you’re willing to negotiate the effect of his behavior (annoying you) with his probable intention (connecting). You said it: He’s goofing off. Your next move really depends on how you’re feeling. If you’re the kind of couple that is having sex regularly so that telling him you’ll do it later, when you’re done cleaning, is a reasonable prediction, do that. Delay, don’t deny. You can do this really nicely, by telling him that you think it’s hot that he gets so turned on, but you’re kind of in the middle of something and you really want to get the vacuuming done. Perhaps by crossing it off your list, you won’t be distracted and will be able to focus on/lose yourself in the sex, making it better than it would have been if it took place mid-clean. If he still doesn’t get it after a few times, just have the conversation with him when you’re in a nonsexual, but relaxed context: You really wish he’d stop interrupting your cleaning, and he knows this because he’s seen you shrug away. It’s just not a hot scene for you, and sex is going to be best when you’re both into it.
If you are interested or merely willing, also consider indulging his maid fantasy in a non-cleaning context (i.e. when later comes). This could involve role play and dressing up. If this kind of kink sounds really unappealing, you, of course, are under no obligation to indulge him, but if you can swing it, he may appreciate it and you have the added benefit of diverting his attention and, actually, training him. Having a boyfriend sometimes requires a strong guiding hand.
Dear How to Do It,
I (39 M) have been married to my wife (38 F) for 14 years. We have three children (9, 6, 3) and I work full-time while she works as the primary caregiver to our children. After having children our sex life has taken a nosedive and has dwindled down and eventually got to the point of non-existence. I wish it was just our sex life, but it was more like all physical intimacy had diminished to the point of zero. I asked her about it in September of 2023.
We had a long conversation about everything and ended up scheduling a “Friday fun night” every week to try to get the spark back. Although we started having regular sexy time again the bigger picture items still never came to fruition. My biggest gripe was that although I had no problem reaching out and rubbing my wife’s back, legs, feet, and anything else she desired, at no point did she ever just hug or kiss me unprompted. Sure, we hugged and kissed when I left for work and before bed, but otherwise, I remained the only one to show any sort of physical appreciation in the relationship.
This discussion came to a head again back in February 2024 when she went out for a “Mommy’s night” drinking with her two friends. They ended up going out to some bars and the “alpha” (divorced) mom of the group led the charge with shots and drinks all around. They all ended up staying at a B-list athlete’s condo that night because he helped assist her one friend who was beyond drunk get to his place, and the “alpha” mom wanted to hook up with said athlete. This broke me as I had already suggested just Uber home from the bars, but she was adamant that they all wanted to stay up late at her friend’s house “alpha” just like the good ole days. I trust her completely but cannot believe that she allowed the situation to play out like it did.
After that night, we had a discussion again about our lack of intimacy and how nothing really had changed as far as her reaching out for a random hug and kiss occasionally at the very least. Since then, nothing has changed and even the initially scheduled intimacy evenings are gone. If I try to initiate anything I will be met with a response of “It’s not Friday” and then Friday rolls along and it’s just watching TV until 10 p.m. then sneaking off to bed. I am at the point where I have been contemplating separation and divorce because I can’t continue to live like this. I don’t want to issue any sort of ultimatums based on sex because I don’t to have sex with someone who isn’t into it, but the fact that I haven’t been able to convince her to maybe just hug and/or kiss me randomly once in a while just makes me feel like there is no connection between us. Maybe I am just a provider for the family and that’s all this relationship will ever be at this point. Please let me know if you have any ideas on how to get back our intimacy before I lose this relationship completely.
—Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
I understand your wariness of ultimatums but won’t you have to eventually have a conversation with your wife that’s along the lines of your penultimate paragraph anyway? And if she decides that she doesn’t want to leave the relationship and reinvest in intimacy, won’t said message function as an ultimatum? Because, really, you should have that conversation. You’re at your limit and you articulate your current state quite well in that paragraph. Repurpose it. Say it to her or send it in a note. You can’t live like this.
There’s probably a bit of compromising that would need to take place if you do decide to stay together, though. While staying on a mutually negotiated sex schedule makes sense and may work with effort from both of you, you might still find yourself being the more affectionate one. It’s just how things shake out sometimes—one partner becomes the initiator and that role helps define the dynamic. You’re sensitive to this, but your wife is going to be who she is. Often more important than who starts the affection is how the other responds—if it is in kind and with a similar level of attention/intensity, then it might be worth learning to live with the idea that you are going to initiate more often and your wife is going to follow your lead.
You also noted that your sex life took a nosedive after having children—could your wife be what many refer to as being “touched out?” Three kids is a lot to take care of. Could she be at capacity for what she can handle in terms of people (including you) being literally on her? Maybe it’s time to have a conversation about how she’s feeling about her full-time job as caregiver and whether her workload needs to be lightened—either by you or some other means.
That said, I do think she should be attempting to live up to the terms you both set, or if said terms are too much for her, at least attempting to renegotiate with a clear discussion of her particular needs and feelings about the state of your sex life. If you can’t get there alone, a counselor might be useful. I’m curious about what actually happens when Friday rolls around. You’ve set the date and she’s put off sex until the evening Do you say anything during the TV-watching during your “fun night” slot? Do you reintroduce the idea to take the temperature and see what’s potentially on the menu? I know you want this to be more of a give-and-take, but you might just have to keep moving things along in a sort of organizer role. If it ultimately yields more sex and satisfaction for the two of you, well, that’s more important than who initiated it.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
I’ve recently become “official” with a guy I’ve been with for a few months (hetero, in our 20s). He’s a little bro-y, you could say—he was in a frat, his friends are mostly loud men, he likes beer and football on the weekends, and so on. Not my usual type, but he’s quite sweet and attentive to me behind closed doors, especially in bed. However, there’s one thing that keeps getting to me: He often says things about other women that are crude at best and misogynistic at worst.
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