I Want to Send My Man Videos of Exactly How He Should Perform in Bed. Bad Idea?

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I have been with my boyfriend for four years. Throughout our entire relationship, I’ve always wished he could be a bit more commanding during sex. He’s very vanilla and would be perfectly satisfied doing standard missionary every time we have sex. But I want more than that! We’ve had a few conversations about this and it’s culminated in us trying a few new positions and bringing my vibrator along with us. But I kind of want to specifically send him porn videos that show exactly the kind of persona and vibe I wish he’d try on, too. Is that weird or a bad idea? Would that be horribly offensive? I just think a visual aid might work better than my words which seem to be failing.

—Scrolling Pornhub

Dear Scrolling Pornhub,

This seems like an extremely practical way to facilitate your goals, but yes, it might be read as offensive. Your boyfriend’s vibe is his—sure, he may be holding back, but you have to at least entertain the idea that what he’s shown you is who he is. Some people aren’t vanilla because they’re lazy or unimaginative, they’re just vanilla. There’s a chance what you show him will inspire him, and there’s a chance he’ll take a look at it and, knowing his capabilities, just feel like he can’t measure up to your desires. That could potentially be useful, too. Perhaps there is a fundamental mismatch here that you will keep coming up against as long as you’re together.

If you’re going to send the clips, I’d advise a few things. Firstly, try not to inadvertently impart any body criticism on your guy with the clips you pull. If you see a performer you like who’s ripped and hung and your guy is far from either, consider finding a clip of a performer whose body is more akin to your boyfriend’s. Also, I advise framing this as role play. Don’t ask your boyfriend to change per se, but to emulate what’s in the video for fantasy’s sake. You can even explicitly say when you’re setting up for sex that you want to pretend you’re both filming porn (or if the porn you reference has a particularly specific scenario, that you’re replicating that). That could make this all seem not so serious—less criticism, and more the opportunity for some play.

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Dear How to Do It,

Help! I’m having the most incredible erotic experiences of my life, by several country miles. I’ve had very, very good sex with many of my 40 lovers over the past 40 years and none of those sexual relationships comes remotely close to the epic, intense, joy-filled and always-new lovemaking sessions I’ve shared over the last year with a gifted witch of a woman. I’ve long been capable of having multiple non-ejaculatory orgasms, and she is wildly orgasmic. Once we get started, we delightfully push each other to the far reaches of our capabilities in our several hours-long explorations.

Also: My “dark masculine” dominant side is completely received by her in a way I never thought I would have the joy of experiencing. If it was just about off-the-charts sex, that would be one thing. But we’ve both opened our hearts to each other as fully as we have with any past partner. When there’s conflict, we repair shockingly quickly: Both of us are undefended, not blaming the other, taking tons of self-responsibility, and empathic to the other’s experience. At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Is this guy writing just to brag, or does he have an actual issue?” I wouldn’t call it bragging, but I’m in my mid-60s, and would like to give a few words of hope to guys who think that, as they age, their sex life is only headed in one direction: downhill. Ain’t necessarily true, dudes!

Here’s the issue: My sexual savant of a girlfriend is in her early 30s, living a nomad’s lifestyle. She doesn’t want to settle down in the area of the country where I’ll be living for the next nine years—which is when my child graduates high school. (Think Hawaii and Costa Rica for girlfriend, not Wisconsin.) My lover wants kids of her own, and doesn’t want to start any later than her mid-30s. I’m as clear about being done with diapers (think vasectomy) as she is clear that she’ll be a mom in the not-so-distant future.

If I were to design an ideal future scene, it would look like this: Both of us would find long-term partners whose life situations nicely meet our needs. These imaginary partners would be supportive of me and my witchy beloved getting together several times a year for our wall-bending sexcapades. In fact, we could vet these future partners for their poly-friendliness and tendency toward jealousy. (For the record, I’ve identified as poly for close to 30 years, and my girlfriend is “open to being open.”) This could work, right? Neither of us wants an ace or graysexual partner. We want beloveds who have strong libidos and who aren’t threatened by our exceptional erotic connection. Ideally a kitchen table poly situation. What do you think? Can we have it all?

—It Only Gets Bettah

Dear It Only Gets Bettah,

I’m so tempted to just write, “Yep,” as my response and keep it moving—not as shade, but because really, what can I say that would be illuminating after that letter? You seem to have it all figured out. And your syntax is formidable. We receive few letters to this column with sentences as perfect as: “My sexual savant of a girlfriend is in her early 30s, living a nomad’s lifestyle.” (Honorable mentions to: “gifted witch of a woman” and “my witchy beloved.”)

So, uh, yep. It’s possible that you will maintain this connection for years to come. It may work out in the kitchen-table manner you’re hoping for, with respective partners who are more than happy for you to stay in touch (literally) with the woman who has provided you with marathon mystic-boning sessions. Or maybe not. She might flutter away to some far reaches of the globe. Maybe you’ll find the perfect primary partner who insists on a veto and for some reason, wants you to cut things off with the head witch in charge. A partner on her end might do the same. Perhaps motherhood will slow her step or make her less available for your jaunts.

There are, in fact, a lot of possibilities. You can’t really predict how this is going to unfold or what kind of complicating factors will arise to shake up your dynamic. The future is yet to be told. What you have to work with is the present. Try to shift your attention to that—you’re having this incredible, affirming experience that has prompted you to evangelize for the joys of sexagenarian sex. If it all went away tomorrow, would it still be worth it? Your letter suggests no answer but, “Hell yeah.” Appreciate what you have currently and know that if it ceases somewhere down the line, you’ll be able to deal with the disappointment and move on. That may be difficult, but something tells me that if you need a pep talk, you’re more than capable of giving one to yourself.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 31-year-old woman and have been dating my 30-year-old boyfriend “Jeff” for four years. Things are generally pretty good, and we have a decent sex life. One thing, however, is puzzling me. Jeff initiates sex frequently, and it’s all good. But when I initiate, I’d say about two-thirds of the time, he’ll get a funny look on his face, insist he has a stomachache, and then hide in the bathroom. Sometimes for hours at a time.

We eat the same stuff and he never has these random attacks of whatever unless I start saying we should have sex. On the other hand, something is clearly coming out the back end, the bathrooms definitely smell after he’s had one of these visitations. He absolutely refuses to talk about it or tell me what’s going on, so I’m asking here for more information. What could be causing this?

—Confused

Dear Confused,

My theory—and this is totally a guess—is that he’s having nervous poops related to performance anxiety. Even with the same partner, sex can take on a different hue depending on the situational dynamics. Some people are better at running the show than being part of the company. Knowing that your partner wants sex at the moment, perhaps in a certain kind of way, can be daunting. I’ve experienced anxiety along these lines (sans the bathroom breaks) when in the company of really bossy bottoms. If I’m taking the more aggressive stance, it can feel a lot easier than when someone is effectively pressuring me to deliver the kind of dicking down that they desire. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to go through with it, and it doesn’t mean that I won’t, but it can feel a bit like opening night onstage, to continue the theater metaphor.

Because what your boyfriend is presenting is inconsistent and situational, I have to assume it’s more so psychologically rooted. It’s a bummer he doesn’t want to talk about it—you can smell what’s happening so really all that’s missing is the story behind the stench—but my guess would be that if he’s having a nervous response, he may feel shame about it. Add poop on top of shame, and there’s a good chance it’ll be compounded. Instead of interrogating what’s going on with him, you might turn the lens on yourself. You can ask him if there’s anything you can be doing differently when initiating that might reduce the need for these bathroom breaks. You may also ask if he would prefer you refrain from initiating entirely—this could yield a disappointing conversation, but it could also be illuminating. Perhaps in the process, he’ll share more about his experience and his theories regarding this thing that you’re both experiencing. Maybe the answer is he just doesn’t know. If you are having good sex when it isn’t interrupted by bubble guts, it might just be a matter of figuring out how to circumnavigate.

Dear How to Do It,

I am a 38-year-old cis woman, married for 10 years to a great man with somewhat more traditional values than I. We’re a blended family with a total of four kids. Three years ago, I had what felt like a lightning-strike “aha!” experience, which made me realize that I am bisexual (not a sexual experience; essentially a love-at-first-sight experience). I told my husband last summer after several years of inner struggle.

As I’ve come to accept bisexuality as part of my identity, I have increasing feelings of “missing out” on this part of myself. I want to open up our relationship to explore this, but he is adamantly opposed to the idea. I feel very much at a loss as to how we can come to some sort of agreement on this that works for both of us. There’s a lot at stake here, and neither of us wants to split up. I just feel like I am out of touch with half of myself. For what it’s worth, our sex life has gotten WAY better since I told him, and I honestly think exploring this would make it way better still. I wish I could go to therapy but my work schedule makes it next to impossible. There are good and bad days; I’m just looking for any advice that might help me find the middle ground here.  Any suggestions? And yes, I’ve already read The Ethical Slut.

—Longing for Ladies

Dear Longing for Ladies,

Some people don’t consider threeways/groups with both partners as “open”—some would say that’s monogamish behavior as opposed to non-monogamy. Because of this, I would just make sure that you both are on the same page syntactically and, should you be interested in sex with your husband and a woman (or women) at the same time, float that idea. A threeway/group might allow you to experience the kind of contact you’re looking for in a way that feels safe for him. This is purely speculation and his somewhat more traditional values might not allow for it, but it’s worth a try in case he’s under the impression that you being able to experience women necessarily involves you going off and doing your thing while he sits at home with the kids. It doesn’t have to be that way at all.

Otherwise, invest in this by bringing it up multiple times. Sometimes negotiations take a while. Topics that seem outlandish upon first discussion may turn intriguing upon further reflection. Your consistency here will allow him to understand how much this means to you, and how serious you are about wanting to have sex with women. It may also annoy him and cause him to shut down the conversation for good. You may arrive at a moment where you understand this is absolutely never going to happen as long as you’re married to him. At that point you have a choice to make: Do you give into the draw of women or do you keep things as they are and give up on your dream of satisfying all sides of your sexual taste? It seems like if you had to make the decision today, you’d keep your husband and your family would remain intact. That’s a completely respectable decision, but time may wear on you and your resolve. Remain patient and listen to yourself. You will know exactly what you need to do when you need to do it—stay open to more a-ha moments.

Two more quick things: Consider teletherapy, as it could work better with your schedule. And read Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up, which I think is the most practical and clear-headed book on non-monogamy that is on the market.

—Rich

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