I’m Worried This Year’s Thanksgiving Trip Poses a Threat to My Life

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am 38, 7-weeks pregnant with twins, and have one 2-year-old. I had a complicated pregnancy and delivery with my son. I live in a blue state where abortion is legal at all stages of a pregnancy. My parents live in a bordering state where abortion is banned at 6 weeks. It’s a 3-hour drive to my parents from our city and about a 1.5-hour drive from their house to the border with our state. I’m supposed to visit them for Thanksgiving (my brother and his family are also flying in from another state) when I will be approximately 12 weeks pregnant. I also have my company holiday party in December in a state across the country where abortion is banned at 15 weeks. I will be exactly 15 weeks pregnant at the time of that trip.

In both cases, I’m terrified of traveling to states where abortion is prohibited during a high-risk geriatric pregnancy with twins. From my parents’ house, my husband could drive us to the border quickly (within 1.5 hours) if there’s an emergency. From the state I’m flying to, it’s a 2.5-hour drive to the nearest state with no abortion bans. I’m not sure if we’re getting a rental car yet. Should I even go on these trips? Am I being overdramatic? I’m just concerned if I have a medical emergency, I won’t be able to get the lifesaving care I need.

—Pregnant and Scared

Dear Pregnant and Scared,

You aren’t being overdramatic at all. With the overturning of Roe v. Wade and the rise of restrictive laws on the state level, women are dying due to a lack of access to reproductive health care. As far as your holiday party goes, I would definitely skip it. Anything can happen, and the abortion ban in that state can prevent you from getting the treatment you may need, even if it’s not a matter of terminating the pregnancy. With regards to your trip to see your parents this Thanksgiving, they may live 1.5 hours from the border, but how close is the nearest hospital once you cross? And what kind of reputation does that hospital have? I think you should factor that into your decision. Your parents might be four or five hours away from the sort of institution you’d need to go to for care. Carrying multiples is already higher risk than being pregnant with one child, and you’ve already had a complicated pregnancy before. I think the best thing for you to do for your piece of mind, and the health of you and your babies, would be to stay put until after you give birth. Perhaps your parents can come visit you this year instead.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a 14-year-old girl who is struggling with eating and body image. I can’t stop worrying about my weight and calories, and it is starting to interfere with everything in my life, from my grades to my friendships. I can’t concentrate on tests, and I miss out on socializing because I am skipping lunch. I am also bulimic. I feel lost and shallow for caring about something so superficial when people in this country are facing real, terrifying issues. I care about school because I want a career where I can do something with my privilege and contribute to society, but now I can’t picture a future. How do I get rid of this potentially dangerous obsession? I am seeing a therapist, but it isn’t helping. I haven’t told my parents.

—Worried

Dear Worried,

I can relate to your letter because I have battled disordered eating and body image issues since I was a little younger than you; I binged and purged for at least 15 years. I’ve always known that I’ve had a problem, but I’ve refused to get help for any number of reasons, such as worrying that I would gain weight if I got better. There are few things I regret more than not telling my parents when I started to struggle. You must talk to your family, because you can’t get past this on your own. You won’t just wake up one day and feel okay with yourself; you’re going to need to do serious work and you need support for that. Are you being fully honest with your therapist? When I was 16, I spoke briefly with a school guidance counselor about my bulimia, and then convinced her that after just a couple of sessions, I’d stopped purging. Therapy can only work if you are completely transparent with your provider; if you have been and you’re not seeing an improvement, then she may not be a good fit for you.

In any case, the first step is to tell your parents so they can help you. Tell them everything; they need to know how these issues have controlled your life. You also have to decide that you don’t want to live this way anymore. You have to prioritize your health, your happiness, and your future over what you think you’re supposed to look like. These should be some of the best years of your life. You don’t deserve to struggle like this. Please, tell your family what’s going on so they can support you.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 10-year-old daughter is on the autism spectrum and has ADHD. She is very intelligent and, according to her psychiatrist, has a high IQ, but low emotional intelligence. She has a lot of anxiety and challenges making friends but otherwise does okay. Most people don’t even realize she has autism, but was nonverbal “by choice” up until two years ago. Due to complicated issues, we switched schools last year. She had her heart set on the private school her best friend goes to; however, because of her anxiety, she couldn’t complete the test required for entrance. We decided to go to a private homeschool tutor instead, with her brother. A LOT of her anxiety disappeared! She’s a different child! Instead of crying every day and having multiple meltdowns a week, she’s been a very happy child. Everyone has noticed a difference. We do playgroups, therapy, and social activities like drama and art classes in the afternoon. 90 percent of our challenges disappeared or became more “typical” 10-year-old issues.

My problem is this. She wants to try the test again and attend that private school next year. I have concerns. Her friend was bullied badly this year, and I was NOT impressed by how it was handled. Her friend is a “typical” kid. They don’t have any programs for kids working ahead, and I think her school is behind. My daughter is working on multiplying fractions, and her daughter’s class is still on basic multiplication. I’m worried she’ll be bored. Not to mention, I’m concerned about all of the anxiety and how they would handle it if she had a panic attack. I wasn’t impressed with their response during the test. Their response was “She’ll have to figure it out.” What do I do? She doesn’t want to go anywhere else and we looked at all the local schools this year. She said it’s that one or she’d rather home school.

—School Decisions

Dear School Decisions,

While it’s important to take your child’s desires into consideration with regards to school, sometimes you simply have to do what you think is in their best interest, even if they disagree. It doesn’t sound like this private school is a good fit for your daughter, and you’ll have to explain that to her honestly. Her friend may not want her to know that she was bullied, but you can tell her that you have heard stories about kids getting picked on there and that the school didn’t handle them well; speak to her friend’s parents and see if she would be willing to talk to your daughter about her experiences. You can also let her know that you don’t believe the school is equipped to handle her anxiety issues, and that it’s important that she is in an environment where she is fully supported. Offer to let her consider other schools in the area if she’d like, but put your foot down about this one.

— Jamilah