How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a woman from a culture where arranged marriages are common. I’m set to marry “Amir” in a few months. I’ve met him, I like him, but we’ve never had a chance to be alone together, and we are not likely to before the wedding night. We’ve never done anything physical other than kiss a few times.
I’m a virgin, and so is he. I don’t know what sort of things his own family is telling him, but the only sex education I have is from my mother, and her instruction has been pretty cursory. I want this to be good for both of us, but I really have no idea how to have sex other than the basics. Is there anything you can offer to help with skill? Is there something I can look up online? I’m not in a position to buy books without those purchases being reviewed, and my parents would go mad if they found out that I’m buying books about sex. How do I learn without them finding out?
—Stone Ignorant
Dear Stone Ignorant,
Given the privacy necessary for your situation, make sure you clear your web browser’s cookies, cache, and history, or—even better—use an incognito window when you’re searching for sex education online. The first thing you can do is get a grasp of your own anatomy, including your clitoris, and your husband’s anatomy, including the specific areas that make up his penis. You might also familiarize yourself with the parts of the body other than genitals that tend to feel good when touched.
The second thing you can do is set reasonable expectations for the first time the two of you have sex. Since neither of you has had sex, you’re not in a position to simply tell each other what you like—you don’t know. You’re going to have to learn through practice, together, what works and doesn’t work for you and for each other. You can absolutely find guides all over the internet; how to have an orgasm for women, how to give a man an orgasm, and how to have enjoyable penetrative sex. None of these guides are going to be able to tell you exactly what’s going to work with you and your partner—the best they can do is present you with some ideas that tend to work for people.
First times are almost always awkward to some degree, even between people who both have experience with sex. The more aroused you are when you’re penetrated, the likelier it is that you’ll feel only pleasure. Even if you’re very turned on, though, there might be a bit of pain. A little bit of pain, and a little bit of blood, is fine. Do remember that you can pause or stop sex. A large amount of pain or blood is rare, but something you should see a doctor about as soon as possible.
Keep in mind, that if you try something like sticking a finger in your husband’s anus or sitting on his face—things many sex ed websites and guides suggest—you might freak him out. This could be overwhelming for him, since he may be just as in the dark about the mechanics of sex as you are, and, depending on how close his views on sex are to your parents’ views, put you in a very bad position. Based on the fact that you say your parents “would go mad” if they caught you seeking knowledge about sex, I’m working off of the assumption that you come from a culture that values or even demands sexual purity before marriage. My concern, essentially, is that if you come to the marriage bed for the first time with a broad range of skills and ideas, you may cause suspicion about where you got those skills and ideas from. And, without further detail, I’m unsure how dangerous that suspicion could be for you. So use your judgment here, and err on the side of easing into the ideas you encounter online.
The advice you didn’t ask for is this; once you and your husband are married, and it’s culturally appropriate to discuss sex, tell him that you want the sex the two of you have to be as good as possible and share your desire to do research. Talk about how this is something the two of you are learning to do together. Maybe researching sex is something the two of you can do together, too. Last but not least, you’re still months away from marriage, so there’s still time for further education from your mother to happen.
How to Get Advice From How to Do It
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear How to Do It,
My fiancé (M) and I (F) got pregnant four years ago and had an abortion. We live in a conservative state, I had to wait over a month for the abortion, and had lots of pain afterward. It broke my heart but I had been accepted into law school and knew it was the right decision. However, it tanked our sex life. Sex was no longer carefree for my fiancé and I had pretty chronic pain. I also constantly feared getting pregnant again despite being on birth control (I was on birth control the first time). I went to law school and he remained in our hometown. Things weren’t great sexually as we barely saw each other but we were OK. In my second year of law school, he started a rather successful business and his sister was diagnosed with cancer. He got dark, unkind, and generally lacked any capacity for our relationship. I understood, it was just too much to handle in addition to my school schedule. We fought constantly and saw each other maybe once a month for 24-48 hours at a time.
That same year, I had endometriosis surgery after years of struggling with sexual pain. I tried throughout the years to address our obviously deteriorating sex life but was met with, “It should just happen naturally and we shouldn’t have to talk about it.” Well, the summer after my second year, my fiancé started a year-long Instagram affair with a woman he’d never met. The affair ended in April of 2023, after she flew to our state, they met at a bar, and had sex. He never told me. I found out when she sent me screenshots detailing the affair from April 2022-2023. It was crushing, I had no idea, but I also understood how unbelievably difficult the years had been and how lonely we each were. The affair reignited our sex life for a short period until it just stopped again. If my fiancé lost his erection, I felt inadequate. I desperately feel like I need him to sexually desire me and it’s ruining our sex life. He tells me he needs less pressure on his performance. Logically, I understand. But emotionally, it crushes me. I feel like it’s a bit beyond repair. Help!
—Lonely
Dear Lonely,
Do you feel like the sex is beyond repair, or do you feel like the relationship is beyond repair? Sometimes sex issues are a symptom of issues in the relationship as a whole. It’s telling that in two paragraphs you wrote you don’t mention a single reason for staying in the relationship, but you do mention your fiancé becoming unkind, checking out, and having a year-long affair.
Take a moment to ask yourself whether you want to put the work in to get past his betrayal of your trust and the relationship the two of you have, and do it before you go from fiancée to wife.
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Dear How to Do It,
Me and my partner engage regularly in pegging, something we both had never even thought to try before and which we both found out we love. We have experimented with sizes and positions and we are getting better and better at it, with just one problem—the strap-on. The one I bought (going in blind, as I knew nothing about strap-ons!) has some adjustable straps that go around your torso and under your butt, but I find it extremely uncomfortable. Plus, if I don’t adjust it super tightly my movements are not as good, but if I do, it’s just uncomfortable to be in. Do you have any awesome strap-on recommendations for something that is comfortable and stays in place/stays “tight” for some hard pounding?
—Strapped Up
Dear Strapped Up,
RodeoH’s o-ring underwear harnesses are what you’re looking for. They come in boxer, brief, and panty cuts, along with jock strap styles but, structurally speaking, I assume the jocks are less stable. I can speak from experience about the briefs and verify that they squeeze all over rather than at a few points like a traditional adjustable strap harness does, and are more comfortable. As for the dildo, the wider the base the more stability there is. You want a base (or harness) that fits you snugly, and a dildo that fits in the strap snugly. If you live near a sex-positive toy shop, the staff may be able to help you find the right fit more easily than using measurements from the website, and you’ll likely be allowed to actually test whether the dildo fits the harness before purchase.
—Jessica Stoya
More Advice From Slate
Recently, I was hooking up with a guy from Grindr who was behaving a bit oddly. He invited me to his apartment building but said we had to meet in the building’s pool showers and not his apartment because he was being “discreet.” I assumed that meant he didn’t want the neighbors seeing him bringing random men. When I got to the locker room—private stalls, no one else around!—we started to do our thing.
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