My 8-Year-Old Is Obsessed With “Optimizing” Her Life. Oh God.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 8-year-old daughter has recently taken to the self-improvement side of YouTube. She spends a lot of her time watching these videos, and does actually implement the advice into her life. For example, she only spends one hour a day on her phone, she exercises for an hour each day, she journals every day, she wakes up at 5 a.m., she makes sure she eats healthy, and she is very independent. She is the child I’m sure many parents wish to have, and yet I’m concerned about her. I feel like 8 is too young to be worried about ensuring a healthy diet, and making sure she is getting the right amount of exercise. I feel like at this age, she needs to focus on being a child and it is her father’s job and mine to make sure she is eating healthy, exercising sufficiently, etc. Am I overreacting, or is this concerning?

—Hands Off the Self-Improvement

Dear Improvement,

Like many things in parenting and self-improvement alike, it depends. Some of what you describe sounds like it could just be the behaviors of a kid who likes rules, organization, and making good choices, but it could also be something more serious, depending on the thoughts behind it. Could you ask her whether you’re allowed to read the journal? Its contents might give you a better idea of her state of mind and how she’s thinking about herself and these activities. (But please respect her wishes if she says the journal is private.) I’d also reach out to her teacher and compare notes. Is your daughter super regimented at school, or does she let her proverbial hair down? Does she seem to fixate on grades? Does the teacher notice anything out of the ordinary compared to her peers?

Armed with this background information, your next move is to speak to your daughter’s pediatrician. They’ll be best suited to advise you on criteria to look out for that would warrant a more specialized assessment.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My dad got remarried a few years after my mom passed away, and he and his wife had another kid about five years ago. After the baby was born, my dad and his wife approached me (then 26, now 31) about taking care of my little brother if anything happened to them (I have two brothers closer to my age, too, but neither were/are in any position to be responsible for a kid). I said yes, then, partly because I thought I had my life figured out and I could take on that responsibility if it became necessary. I had (and still have) no plans for kids of my own, but it felt like something I could step up for at the time.

Since then, though, my life has changed a lot. For one, I’ve barely seen my dad and his family in about three years. I’ve also since embarked on the notoriously unstable career path of academia, which I’ve managed to cling to, so far, by landing a job in another country. Meanwhile, although I never saw myself as having a long-term partner, I’ve since met someone who fortunately has a job (also in academia) in the same place; we’ve been talking about marriage, the future, etc. over the last year and a half. He’s been clear, though, that he doesn’t want kids, not least because kids would make it almost impossible to pursue the kind of career path we’re both now on, with lots of travel, one-year positions, low salaries, etc. I agree, which is part of why I never wanted kids of my own—though as I get closer to the upcoming move, and as we talk about potentially getting married, I have a recurring sense of dread of finding myself suddenly responsible for my half-brother if something happened to my dad and his wife.

Obviously, I hope nothing happens that would make this a necessity, but I certainly don’t want to leave it up to chance. I know I agreed, but that was in a different life, and at this point, I honestly don’t think I’m in any better a position to take in a kid than either of my other brothers, who my dad immediately ruled out. What do I do here? How do I talk to my dad about the fact that I don’t think I can be the person to step in anymore?

—Things Have Changed

Dear Changed,

Your dad knows that you are moving abroad, right? Does he know the kind of flexibility/upheaval that your academic career might necessitate? I would imagine that if he does, he might already be wondering whether you are still a viable guardian for your brother. Find a time for a private, heartfelt chat. Let him know that you’ve been thinking about this lately, and that while you were happy to be a guardian five years ago, you’re not sure it’s something you can commit to anymore. Share the reality that, until you have a tenured position, you may have to move around the world to stay employed, and that’s not the kind of life you want to give your brother. You can mention that as a spousal pair, academic appointments can be even harder to find—but I don’t think you should mention that your partner doesn’t want kids. It runs the risk of overshadowing your other considerations and turning him into a scapegoat.

Hopefully, your dad will want to support you and your career and will take the conversation in stride. Be prepared, though, that he may have assumed that you would adjust your life (moving home, changing careers) if your brother came into your care. From your letter, it doesn’t sound like that is on the table. But would you consider being the “backup” guardian—maybe two or three households down the line? Or perhaps the trustee of your brother’s inherited finances? These are ways you can still give your dad some peace of mind without serving as the immediate caretaker, so give these options some thought before you and your dad speak.

I know this conversation might be awkward; try to remember that while your choice is in your interest, it is also potentially in your brother’s, too. I hope your dad has local family or friends who can serve in this capacity, and I hope you can commit to still being a presence in your brother’s life somehow. Good luck!

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have the great fortune to have a close relationship with my nephews, ages 9 and 11. I do after-school pickup and evening childcare two days a week and regularly mind one or the other for an afternoon on the weekends. Though perhaps I would prefer otherwise, I am not just their “fun uncle”—I play a day-to-day role in their rearing (but of course, am not a parent). For a year or so I have been noticing behavior in both boys that I am uncertain how to address. They whole-cloth and insistently fabricate stories and “facts” throughout their conversations, both with me and with their peers. Their steadfast conviction that Manhattan was formed by a volcano and that their grandparents were born in the 1850s is maybe a little funny and cute. It is easy, as their uncle, to laugh to myself or gently course correct or simply nod my head. But they are truly insistent, and any suggestion that they could be mistaken is met with heat and aggressive confrontation.

I am a grownup and can manage those moments, but I have been noticing eye-rolls, frustration, and dismissal from their peers. I feel really uncertain what to do! Do I entertain their (mostly harmless) falsehoods, do I call them out, do I make truth-telling a project we embark on together? One last bit of context: Their father is an actual pathological liar who also regularly makes up “facts,” has to be right about everything, and spent nine months pretending to go to work every day, lying to his family, after he lost his job. I worry this is just behavior modeling in the boys! And I do not know how to handle their behavior with love and grace (and in particular as not their parent!). Thoughts? Tactics?

—Falsehoods

Dear Falsehoods,

If you haven’t already discussed this with their mom, you need to (I assume from your letter that your connection to the boys is through her). What has she noticed and how is she handling it? Take your cues on how to intervene from her. If she feels the situation is as out of control as you do, then she probably needs to look into family therapy. Lying can be a symptom of other underlying issues, from ADHD to trauma—and given the boys’ history, this seems like something worth digging into.

One thing you could try in the meantime while you wait for family therapy to be arranged is asking your nephews gentle questions when they make these claims. “Where did you learn that?” and “Hmm, that’s not how I remember it; tell me more” are non-confrontational ways that may help fracture the lying pattern. I’d steer clear of any tough-love chats or pointing out their friends’ attitudes until mom speaks to a professional. I’m not a therapist, but I would be nervous about anything that would make the boys feel defensive, which may increase the lies rather than staving them off.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband (44m) and I (36f) have been together for 14 years, married for 10. We’ve struggled to maintain romantic and sexual chemistry for much of that time, but as friends, partners, and parents we’ve been solid. At the beginning of last summer, I got laid off from my job of five years, and it sent me spiraling. One of the unexpected consequences was discovering a side of my sexuality that had been dormant for many years. Suddenly, I was feeling frustrated at my non-existent sex life, but I wasn’t interested in trying to explore it with my husband; it felt too awkward to try to bridge that gap and any romantic attraction was gone, so I proposed an open marriage. It didn’t go anywhere, and we mostly got on with our summer and fall, when I got a new job. My sexual needs didn’t suddenly disappear though, so I remained frustrated, and after more discussions, which turned to arguments, which turned to fights, my husband suggested we formally separate while cohabitating for at least a year or so, after which we would remain friends and co-parents while I would move out and he would stay in our house (because of financial reasons).

This arrangement would be OK with me—I’ve never been on my own, and I welcome the challenge of running my own household—except I worry how it’ll affect our kids, who are currently 7-and-a-half, 5, and 2-and-a-half. The older two are neurodivergent and highly sensitive. My husband’s idea is for us to all stay together at least until our middle child finishes kindergarten (next spring). I have my own issues with mental illness (depression, anxiety, and ADHD) and we struggle to juggle everything, as can happen when you have two working parents and three young children, but my particular worry is creating two stable home environments for these young kids. My husband and I get along and support each other emotionally and around the house. There are plenty of small problems in the marriage, but I’d say the main breakdown in the relationship is just the lack of romance, physicality, and intimacy. Essentially, we’re not a couple, we are two friends living and parenting together. Our parents think we’re making a mistake and have implored each of us to reconsider this path.

I don’t know what’s the right move. I love my family and our life together, but I also crave a deeper, more loving relationship with a romantic partner. I worry I’ll be past my prime and lose opportunities if we kick this can down the road (and my husband and I both think we’ll eventually end up feeling resentful and bitter toward each other). We’re seeing a marriage therapist to figure out how we navigate this new normal, and eventually, we’ll bring the kids in. I just can’t help but feel maybe I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, but then other days I feel excited about my new future life of independence. How do I know what to do?

—At a Crossroads

Dear Crossroads,

I can’t tell you what to do for certain, but I can reflect on what you wrote. You are craving a deeper romantic and sexual relationship than you have with your husband, and you aren’t interested in pursuing that with him. You care about each other and have an amiable, cooperative relationship, which your husband is worried will be in jeopardy without a clean break. He has some evidence to support that, since things got rather heated this fall and winter. Despite the good juju between you, you and your husband may simply have grown apart as a couple. Some people find true joy and fulfillment in marriages that are more about friendship than romance, but it doesn’t sound like that is what either of you wants.

I can see how this may be hard for your loved ones to understand. They see how much you care about each other and how you relate to one another. It sounds like you might have good chemistry that is palpable to those around you. But no one except you and your husband truly knows what your marriage is like. Although your loved ones want what is best for you, and see many positives in your marriage, you have to focus on what you and your husband are feeling.

Regarding your kids, many of us writers in this column have talked about how children of couples who stay married “for the kids” often come to resent their parents for making that choice. The tension between the spouses counteracted any kind of stability the kids gained. That said, I take your point about the specific needs of your two oldest children; if you do decide to permanently separate or divorce, nesting might be a housing approach that would be easier on the kids and you.

I applaud you and your husband for being vulnerable and honest, and enlisting the help of a marriage therapist to help you explore your options and make your final decision. I hope you find peace with whatever choice you make.

—Allison

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I have a wonderful 15-month-old baby boy. He is pretty much the easiest baby (according to grandma, possibly in the world): He began sleeping through the night at two months, eats pretty much anything I give him (except avocado!), is super curious, and loves when I read to him. From the time he was born everybody told me how I needed to be speaking to him constantly, describing what I am doing, how I’m doing, why, etc. However, I am a very quiet person.