My Boss Complimented Me on My Parenting Skills. It Didn’t Land as Intended.

This is One Thing, a column with tips on how to live.

The morning before my daughter was released from the hospital to recover from scoliosis surgery, a heat wave hit. Like most Seattle homes, ours doesn’t have central air conditioning. In the past, we made do with fans and ice water. But this time, my kid would be stuck, resting, sweating—and hopefully healing—in 100-plus-degree heat. I bailed on a handful of work meetings to join the droves of people hunting for standalone A/C units.

When my boss called to check in and pass on action items for me to attend to, I shared my situation.

“Thanks for being a great mom,” she said, “and for attending to your to-do list ASAP!”

When I hung up, I felt unsettled. My boss didn’t know anything about my parenting skills. Her cliché compliment didn’t read as a truly grateful. It felt like she was just hastily checking a box.

As a clinical speech-language pathologist, it’s my job to teach children and adults how to talk about their feelings without pissing people off. Gratitude, like frustration, jealousy, or desire, is an emotion. When you point any emotion at someone else, it’s important to do so carefully and genuinely. The key with expressing thankfulness is to be objective and precise. It’s as easy as using an “I statement” plus a feeling word, plus something they actually said or did.

For example:

I loved that you made the coffee this morning!

I appreciate you for explaining the next step of our project!

You can also use more general phrases like: I like the way you put that! Or: I appreciate you for your effort.

This approach directs the gratitude toward the other person, rather than centering an imaginary story about their experience through an ill-fitting or too-general compliment. When we tell child they did an “amazing job” and leave it at that, it can feel like we aren’t really paying attention. When we tell a sick friend that they are “so brave” it can shut down room for them to express that they are scared, lonely, or anything else.

Instead, try to get specific: Imagine telling a kid “I admire that you were able to hit the high notes in the school musical.” They will be able to take pride in their specific skills. Imagine visiting a friend in the hospital and saying “I love that you’re spending time with me today.” The compliment is a gift, rather than a prescription for how you think they should be weathering things.

To be specific with praise—or any other emotion—you have to know what you’re truly feeling and be ready to share. If my boss was telling the truth, she could’ve said, “I’m anxious to get these important things done, but I feel guilty for pressuring you when you’re caring for your kid.” If she truly wanted to compliment me, she could have waited until I completed her list and then said, “Thanks for making time to do this.”

Expressing genuine gratitude for each other is one of those things that we might think comes naturally, but it can take more practice than you expect. Here’s a simple exercise that can help you and your loved ones move beyond clichés and find deeper connection: This Thanksgiving, go around the table and have everyone list five things they want to be appreciated for. Listen with curiosity and joy to what each person says. Then, go back around the table, and repeat everyone’s wishes back to them, in the first person: “I am grateful for you for cooking this dinner”; “I am grateful for you traveling here.” You can do this no matter how absurd or small their wishes are. If they say, “I want you to be grateful that I wake up on time for work,” tell them that you are grateful that they wake up on time for work.

When the ultimate goal is to let friends and family know that we value them, this kind of vulnerable communication can be a portal to connection. It can help you better understand the folks you love—and feel understood yourself.