My Brother Won’t Tell His Kids No, and It’s Sending Me to the Poor House

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My brother moved in with me because of his pending divorce, and his habits are driving us to the poor house. His ex-wife lives off her family’s money and her rich new boyfriend, but still expects my brother to pay half of whatever she decides. My brother just rolls over and pays, leaving me hanging when our bills are due.

He is the same way with his three kids. “No” is not a word in their vocabulary. The girls don’t want to share a room (they are 10 and 7), so my brother sleeps on the couch. Then he complains about his bad back. The kids want to eat out for every meal they have here. I will literally make tacos, and they whine that they want to go to the expensive TexMex restaurant by the mall. My brother just gives in. My hours have been cut at work, and I have been pinching pennies. One of the reasons I let my brother move in with me was that I thought we both would save money. It isn’t working out that way. He feels like he needs to compete to keep his kids’ affections, and I tell him he is doing more harm than good. Be there for the kids, but that means being a parent and not their best buddy.

He has twice run out of gas on the highway because he didn’t fill up his tank enough and instead spent the money on ridiculous overpriced snacks for the kids. I have bought generic snacks and switched them into more expensive bags, and the kids do not notice. I love my nieces and nephew, but they should not be ruling the roost when I am fighting to keep the lights on. I am this close to kicking my brother out and getting a paying roommate. I do have a lease with him.

—Struggling in South

Dear Struggling,

You need to have a very serious conversation with your brother in which you describe how his largesse with his ex and his children is impacting your household. Let him know that you will no longer pick up the slack while he spoils his kids and sends money to a woman who doesn’t need it. Explain to him that you know he loves his children dearly, but that spending money that he doesn’t have on them does not make him a good father. He is setting unrealistic expectations for them. Remind him about his back pain and that he could be sleeping comfortably if he would only have enough backbone to make two girls who are close in age share a room. Put your foot down. Tell him that you will be forced to find new living arrangements if he doesn’t make a change. Ask him if he’s truly happy with the way things are now and if he thinks they are sustainable. Bring up the fact that you all moved in together with the goal of saving money, and how you have been forced to cover for him. Since you’re both on the lease, instead of kicking him out and finding a new roommate, you may have to consider leaving yourself. Stick to your guns and insist on a change and if you don’t get one, take steps to untangle yourself from your brother’s mess.

Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life?

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

“Anna” is our only granddaughter. Our son died when she was small, and we got very involved in her life. We pay for her private school and her extracurriculars since her mother doesn’t make much. Well, Anna’s cousins from her mother’s side, “Charlotte and Claire,” have recently moved in with Anna’s family. Anna is forced to share a room with both girls, causing a lot of friction. Anna has a stepbrother who has his own room in the house but rarely occupies it. It is ridiculous to have three kids crammed into one small bedroom while the other one is unoccupied.
Anna could “share” the room with her stepbrother (sleep there when he isn’t around), or one of the kids could take the couch. Anna’s mother and stepfather told us to butt out and stop favoring Anna. The stepfather has been increasingly calling her spoiled and then whines if none of the other kids get gifts from us (yet his own parents don’t even send Anna a birthday card).
Anna’s mother had done a good thing taking on her nieces, but at a cost to Anna.

Anna is going to high school next year and doesn’t want to share her space with a pair of elementary students. Anna has spoken about moving in with us full-time over the summer, but is afraid of her mother’s reaction. Our relationship with our former daughter-in-law has frazzled since she remarried. She seems to resent our presence in our granddaughter’s life, especially when our pocketbook doesn’t pop out whenever she wants it to (she complained about not being able to afford dance and other activities for her nieces). We really don’t want to make things worse here, but our advice is always rejected. Anna moving in with us seems to be the best solution, but her mother will not see it that way. What should we do?

—Moving In

Dear Moving In,

You can offer to let Anna come stay with you, but there is no guarantee that her mother will respond favorably. Still, it’s worth talking to her about Anna’s challenges in the home, even suggesting again that she share a room with her stepbrother. Let your DIL know that you only want Anna to be happy and that you aren’t “favoring” her over the other children. Talk about how difficult it will be for her to share her space with much younger girls as a high school student, who will need a quiet space to complete hours of homework. If you live close enough, perhaps you can suggest that Anna spends the week with you and the weekend with her mother’s family.

It seems somewhat unlikely that Anna’s mother will allow her to move in with you (though it’s absolutely worth it to ask). If she doesn’t, continue offering Anna respite from the situation with her family and a listening ear for her to vent her frustrations. Let her know that she isn’t wrong for how she feels. Perhaps raise the idea of her moving in with you a second time a few months after your first conversation with her mother, reminding her of Anna’s unhappiness and your willingness to offer her a comfortable living situation. Be as respectful to her as you can, for the future of your relationship with Anna (while she lives in her mother’s home) depends on you and your DIL being able to get along.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife and I originally planned on having two, maybe three kids. We’re both from medium sized families and close with our siblings. We have a 2-year-old daughter. We decided we were one and done before she was even born because of my wife’s difficult pregnancy, and then the complicated birth made it all worse. She says she never wants to go through that again. I agree. But she wants me to get a vasectomy and I can’t do it. She complains constantly about her birth control, and we also use condoms because pregnancy would be dangerous for her. But I don’t know why, but I just don’t want to get snipped. This is a big, consistent fight. What do I do?

—No Surgery

Dear No Surgery,

I understand how frightening the idea of going under the knife can be, but a vasectomy is a safe, simple procedure with very minimal recovery time. You’d spend a couple of days taking things easy and would be able to return to strenuous activity after a week. A procedure to prevent your wife from getting pregnant again would be much more invasive and physically taxing for her. Furthermore, a vasectomy will have a much smaller impact on you than your wife having to remain on birth control for the remainder of her fertile years. And since you’ve clearly had unprotected sex before, I don’t have to tell you how much better it is than sex with a condom. I’m sorry, but you’re being selfish as hell. You know that a pregnancy can be dangerous to your wife’s health, but you expect her to make the primary sacrifice to prevent that from happening, when a very small procedure could make things easier (and more pleasurable) for both of you. Your wife literally put her life on the line to give you a child, and you can’t take the simplest action to protect her health? Don’t be surprised if she decides that she wants to let birth control—and lovemaking—go indefinitely. If you’re struggling with the idea of never being able to have kids again, a vasectomy is usually a reversible procedure. You have no legitimate excuse not to get one. Step up for your wife and get the snip.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I just let my son down in a big way, and need to know how to help make it right. He is almost 7, and an only child/only grandchild/only great-grandchild. I’m a single mom. His 91-year-old great-grandma is an important part of his life. She lives 30 minutes away with her son, a temperamental curmudgeon who has an old mean dog. When my son was 1.5, the dog bit him, making a cut and tiny scar on his face. She hasn’t bit or attacked anyone else, but she growls and bares her teeth when there’s no threat. We’ve been trying to see GG as often as possible as she’s not going to be around forever, and has some signs of mild cognitive changes, plus she adores my son.

Today, we visited in a smaller group than usual and my uncle didn’t want to keep the dog in a bedroom as is the usual protocol. My son cried and asked him kindly to put her away, but he refused in a way that made me see his uncle’s desperation; the dog is his “baby,” and he is very lonely and alienated. I gently told him my son was scared, and he reluctantly put the dog away, but soon had her out, promising she’d be okay. I told my son we could give her a chance and that I’d ensure she went away if she growled or showed signs of aggression, but I didn’t. I just watched him like a hawk and intervened anytime he was near the dog. It growled and bared teeth, and made the visit strained. How can I show my son that I have his back and will support him when he’s scared? He’s very sensitive and empathetic and needs me to be his trusted supporter. I broke that trust, I’m afraid. Is there any way to get it back?

—Broken Trust

Dear Broken Trust,

Though your son may have been afraid of the dog, it’s unlikely that he feels that he can trust you less because that happened. Thankfully, the dog didn’t attack him this time. If you need to address the incident with him, tell him you’re sorry that the dog made him uncomfortable and that you won’t allow that to happen again. Explain that his uncle doesn’t mean him harm, but that he is very attached to his dog in the way that some people are with their children. For future visits, insist that the dog is kept away from him and leave immediately if his uncle brings her out. You should ask that when he comes over, he and his great-grandmother spend time together in a separate room from his uncle. I don’t know how well she gets around, but if possible, you may want to consider picking her up and spending time together at your home instead of hers.

—Jamilah

For More Parenting Advice, Listen to the Care and Feeding Podcast