This can’t go on any longer.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I told my husband I wanted a divorce over two years ago. We have two kids who we generally co-parent well, and we still attend family parties and events together if our kids are included. We are very close with our extended families. The problem is, my parents have never accepted our divorce, so they have never told their siblings. I come from a huge family (like, I’ve lost track of the number of aunts, uncles, and cousins) and they’re all pretty traditional (read: judgmental of divorce) and none of them know. My parents wanted to be the ones to tell their families, but I think have felt too much shame to do so. It’s made living my life and moving forward a lot harder, because I feel like I can’t be my authentic self in public; I feel weird about telling friends and acquaintances, posting anything that suggests we’re divorced on social media, etc.
I have recently given my mom a light ultimatum that if she doesn’t tell her family soon, I will. I started dating someone new over a year ago, and it’s now getting incredibly awkward to think about the fact that my family will learn I am divorced and then also immediately learn I am dating a new guy already. Should I hide the fact that I am dating him until they adjust to the news of my divorce? I feel so much shame around it all, when instead I should feel really happy about this new chapter of my life! How should I go about delivering all of this news?
—Divorce Was the Easy Part
Dear Easy Part,
You should not have to hide the fact that you are happily divorced and have moved on into a new relationship. Let your family know what has transpired and that you are doing incredibly well. Post on social media about the current state of your life as you see fit. Explain to your parents that you feel no shame about your situation and that you would appreciate it if they were honest with other relatives when they speak to them about you. There’s no reason for you to feel shame; you and your ex are amicable, your kids are doing well, and you’ve even managed to find a new partner. Be proud of how well you’ve been able to handle challenging circumstances and that things have worked out well for everyone.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister has two sons, who are 10 and 8 years old. Her partner has a 9-year-old daughter, “Mary.” Mary is your stereotypical spoiled only child who is used to getting her way all the time.
She frequently pouts, complains, and whines when she doesn’t immediately get her way over everyone else. Mary is hard enough to deal with on her own, but when she is with my nephews, she becomes impossible. I took all three kids to a Halloween carnival so my sister could get some house repairs done without them all underfoot. Since it was pricey, I told them they could choose one game and ride, and then we would eat. My nephew chose the roller coaster, and Mary immediately went into fight mode. She wanted the roller coaster, and “it wasn’t fair!” I told Mary that we could do the roller coaster twice but not another ride after that. Mary argued that wasn’t fair. My nephew chose another ride just to keep the peace. We did the rides and the games. My younger nephew won a prize and Mary didn’t. That wasn’t “fair” either.
When it came time to leave, Mary didn’t want to and kept whining. I decided to stop at a hamburger place, and Mary refused to get out of the car because she wanted pizza. I told Mary I had had enough. Either she would start acting right and come in for food, or she would sit in the car and not get anything. Mary chose to stay in the car. I texted my sister and her partner about what was going down.
When I dropped the kids off, my sister was unhappy and she said she couldn’t believe I acted like that. I was “out of line” for how I treated Mary. I left and later texted my sister that I would not include Mary in any activities I did with the boys from now on, and that she had her head in the sand if she thought things would improve, especially with their plans to move in together. She accused me of being out of line, out of touch, and gunning to “ruin” her new family. I didn’t respond. I genuinely like my sister’s partner, but Mary is a pain in the butt. I know she is only 9 years old, but her behavior is exhausting and can’t be dealt with! I don’t see any long-term strategy here other than tp be there for my nephews because their mother is firmly in LaLa Land. Any advice?
—Mary Contrary
Dear Mary Contrary,
I would give Mary one more chance. Let your sister know that you are only willing to keep her when you take your nephews if she is willing to behave better. Chances are, she won’t, but at least you can say you were willing to give her a final try. Be kind and empathetic to your sister. She’s trying to make things work as her family changes shape, and I’m sure she’s frustrated with Mary’s behavior, too. Telling her she has her “head in the sand” is not constructive (as was calling you “out of line”), and you may want to apologize. Let her know that you want things to work out well for her, her partner, and the kids, but that you’re concerned about Mary’s behavior. Be someone she can talk to about this situation instead of making her feel judged. If Mary continues on as she has, you don’t have to take her when you want to spend time with your nephews. But do understand that this may limit the times when you can get them; if it’s an occasion in which your sister and her partner need childcare, they’ll have to leave the kids with someone who can take them all.
—Jamilah
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