I don’t understand why they’re like this!
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am the youngest person in my family who is not dating anyone. During every single family reunion, I always get interrogated about my love life, and it always makes me feel bad about the fact that I’ve never dated. Just this Easter, one of my relatives told me that at my university, I should be looking to get my “Mrs” degree, despite the fact that I am only 18. There’s also the fact that I’m bisexual, so even if I do get a partner, there’s a pretty good chance they will not be the “nice boy” they imagine for me. How do I get my family off my case about my love life?
—In the Hot Seat
Dear Hot Seat,
Instead of entertaining their questions, shut the conversation down as soon as it begins. Let your family know that while you appreciate their concern, you don’t want to discuss your love life with them at this point and that you will let them know if that changes. If someone again approaches you with the ridiculous “Mrs.” concept, explain that you are focused on your studies and exploring yourself, and that you went to college to get an education, not a partner. You may not be able to prevent your family from inquiring about your dating habits, unfortunately, but hopefully after being refused the space for them to interrogate you or make you feel something is wrong because you aren’t seeing anyone, they will get the message and bring the topic up less frequently.
Do your best not to internalize their comments; it is completely normal for an 18-year-old to be romantically inexperienced. When you feel that you are ready to date, it’s totally fine to be proactive about making that happen. The dating apps, while they can be very challenging, are a great way to connect with other people who are interested in making romantic connections and can allow you to be intentional about pursuing a relationship. Another great way to meet people is by being active on campus; participate in activities and events that suit your interest, and you may find that you meet someone with whom you have things in common. If you don’t want to go out of your way to find a potential partner, that’s okay too! You’re on your own schedule, and you have plenty of time to make love a priority if that is something you choose to do in the future. But let it be based on your own desires and not pressure from your family.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a junior in high school and have had basically the same friend group since freshman year. “Baylee” is one of my best friends. She’s one of the kindest and funniest people I know. Back in January, she broke up with her girlfriend, “Ruby.” After that, Baylee downloaded an app, Wizz, that’s now been banned and is talking to a ton of guys on it. She mentioned over 10 different guys who have sent her shirtless pics and she’s even told one her address! I’m scared that she will do something stupid and put herself in danger. Baylee brushes me off, and her other friend “Grace” told me she would just get over it, but I’m still nervous. I don’t know how to talk about it with her or my counselor and don’t know if I should tell an adult. I don’t want to ruin my friendship. She was my first friend in high school and I just want her to be ok.
—Tangled Up
Dear Tangled Up,
This may be difficult for you to do, but if Baylee is sharing her address with strangers she’s met online, I think you should tell one of her parents. The people behind social media accounts and apps are not always who they represent themselves to be, and it’s possible that your friend is communicating with adults. If you don’t feel comfortable taking that step now, at least consider it if you find out that Baylee has shared her address again or if she starts sending out racy pics of her own. It may feel like a betrayal of your friend’s trust, but this situation could absolutely end up badly. You would feel terrible if she got hurt by someone she met from an app and you didn’t say anything about it. You can ask Baylee’s parents not to tell her that they got this information from you, though there’s no guarantee that they’ll honor your wishes.
If you can’t bring yourself to tell Baylee’s parents (or a counselor at school, which would likely get traced back to you more easily than telling her parents, who can simply tell her that they chose to search her phone on their own), then at the very least, continue being a voice of reason in her ear encouraging her not to meet up with guys from the app and to refrain from sending them her own pictures. Talk about how many girls go missing after meeting someone online and how easily a picture that she sends to one person can be circulated to others without her permission. Remind her how many predators use these apps and sites to attract underaged girls and that she may not be talking to the person in the profile pictures after all.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a stay-at-home mom of two and regularly watch my sister’s two children since she has an irregular work schedule. My in-laws are raising their 2-year-old granddaughter because their daughter is more interested in partying than being a parent. I have kept my distance from their situation because my advice that my sister-in-law be made to get on regular birth control was ignored after it became apparent she was sexually active. They also didn’t go after the father for child support or look into pushing charges against him (he was 10 years older than my sister-in-law, and she was a minor when she got pregnant). I was told to mind my own business, even by my husband.
The problem is that my in-laws can’t find good quality childcare, and the home daycare they use is shutting down. My SIL can’t be trusted to watch her own baby properly and has been caught before leaving the baby in dirty diapers for hours or leaving the baby alone in the house. My in-laws want me to start taking the baby every day now. I can’t. I have my hands full as it is. I am lucky my sister’s kids are a little older and can help a little. She pays me. My husband and I are arguing about this. He doesn’t see how adding just one more kid will change anything.
For one, I would be housebound because I couldn’t fit another car seat into my little car. My husband accused me of favoring my side and wanting to punish his parents. I don’t, but it isn’t like the writing wasn’t on the wall. My sister-in-law has never faced any sort of consequences because her parents always pick up the slack. She refuses to get her GED or a job. Her parents let her come and go as she pleases. I don’t see any of this working out favorably for our family. I am tired of the fights.
—Too Much in Michigan
Dear Too Much,
Simply refuse to take care of this additional child. Remind your husband and his parents that you literally can’t fit another child’s seat in your car and that it would be unfair for you and the other children to be stuck in the house as a result. Talk about the challenges of caring for a 2-year-old and how going from four children to five would make a difficult situation untenable. Stick to your guns, even if your husband is upset with you. His parents’ refusal to make their daughter be a responsible mother is not your burden to carry. Let him know that his issue is not with you, but with his sister, and you shouldn’t be expected to care for her child when she won’t even do it herself. Sleep well knowing that you’re already doing a good thing for your sister and that you are simply at capacity when it comes to child care.
—Jamilah
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