I don’t really have an excuse.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband (41 M) and I (41 F) have been married for over 10 years and were together nearly 10 years before that. We have two young kids. I came out as bisexual to my husband a few years ago and, though he was initially a little shaken, has been supportive and loving. We are monogamous.
Because we met when we were so young and before I had really confronted and embraced my bisexuality, I’ve never had any sexual experiences or romantic relationships with women. We had a series of conversations when I came out, and at that time, I didn’t really feel like it was an experience I needed, though I did admit to feeling a sense of sadness and loss at not fully realizing this about myself sooner. But over the past year or so, I just generally feel less sexually interested in my husband, and my attractions have veered more and more toward women. I’ve certainly had swings back and forth throughout my life of periods of feeling more attracted to women versus men, but this seems more persistent, and our sex life is struggling.
I know there are other factors as well—exhaustion, recently entering perimenopause, depression/anxiety, the realities of life with little kids, etc.—so I don’t want to blame this all on my bisexuality. But I need a way forward because I know neither of us is satisfied with the current status quo. I want to want him more…but I just don’t. After kids, our sex life definitely took a hit (understandably), but we settled into a pattern of sex once or twice a week, which we were both OK with. That’s now extended to more like once every two weeks (sometimes even three, which would have seemed unthinkable not long ago).
I don’t even have the excuse of other problems in our relationship impacting the bedroom. We have a very equitable partnership—he cleans, shops, carries plenty of the “mental load” of the household, is a loving and involved father, and is very kind and caring with me. He’s also every bit as handsome (and maybe more so?) than when we met nearly 20 years ago. He ticks all the boxes. I should still be head over heels and gleefully tumbling into bed with him every night, but I find myself making up excuses to stay up late in the hopes that he’ll fall asleep before I come to bed, so I won’t have to guiltily rebuff his advances. I don’t want to end up on a path toward a sexless marriage. I don’t want to blow up my family and my marriage to chase a fling with a woman. I don’t want an open marriage. I just want to find a way to fix what we have and reconnect sexually, but I am at a loss as to where to start when the desire just isn’t there for me right now.
—Bi-Bye Sex Life?
Dear Bi-Bye,
Perimenopause and stress do have a known link to libido changes. So, first, be patient with yourself and check in on your body. Can you notice where you’re holding stress and either work that out yourself or see a masseuse? What does your doctor say about your hormone levels—are there any treatments they recommend? And the same with anxiety and depression—while some of the medications for these issues do reduce interest in sex, that’s not always the case.
There’s a reason we recommend Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are so often in this column. In your case, I think you might benefit from the portions on the dual control model of sexual response. Basically, think of it as a gas pedal and a brakes pedal. If the brakes are down (like if you’re dealing with hormones, childcare, stress, anxiety) then you’re going to have a really hard time getting the sex car moving. Nagoski’s book contains a wealth of information on how to lift the brakes and press the gas. (We dig into some of the other key points in the book in this column.)
If you haven’t clued your husband in on your situation, I encourage you to do so. Partially because two minds often solve a problem faster but also because keeping that secret is another point of distance between you and your husband.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a woman in my late 20s, and I’m having a difficult time navigating what I sense is
a gray area between extremely low libido and asexuality. I have had (and enjoyed!) sex with a few partners, but it is rare that I experience the sort of free-floating, amorphous sexual desire that seems to be the most common/mainstream way that people describe or feel horniness. This has caused relationship difficulty in the past (incompatible sexual desires led to opening the relationship, but ultimately, that didn’t prove to be a good long-term solution, so we ended things), which is where it really stings me. When I’m living my single day-to-day life, this doesn’t pose much of an issue, because it’s only my desire (or lack thereof) that I have to worry about. But in times when I’m romantically linked with someone, this lack of sexual drive can obviously put a strain on things.
There are plenty of people I find attractive, but the idea of instigating any sexual activity often feels mechanical to me, rather than a natural extension of desire. I tend to feel more desire once someone else initiates things—I’ve noticed that when I do feel the most sexual desire, it occurs as a reaction, not as something I feel the need to express on my own. I have been on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds for seven or eight years, on and off, which I know can inhibit one’s sex drive. But even before these prescriptions, in my adolescence and teenage years, I was rarely horny in the way that seems to be common for people experiencing puberty. I felt no inclination to masturbate and probably didn’t for the first time until college, so I really doubt that this is entirely to blame on the meds. Over time, I’ve tried various ways to see if I can ramp up my personal sex drive (porn, masturbation, reading more about sex and relationships in general), but things like masturbation end up feeling disingenuous and again, mechanical, to me. I can eventually get turned on by some porn, but there is no pre-existing feeling that naturally makes me want to seek it out. Despite trying these things, and despite some wonderful, extremely attractive partners, ultimately, I have been unable to increase my sex drive. What is the best way to communicate this dilemma to potential partners? Moreover, what thoughts or advice do you have regarding whatever this is (asexuality, HSDD, or something else)?
—Not Hot, Bothered
Dear Not Hot, Bothered,
The first thing that comes to mind is responsive sexual desire. (See the Nagoski book recommended above). This is a completely normal type of sexual desire, and, as the name suggests, it appears in response to sexual stimuli. As in, the person has sexual desire but needs a catalyst to bring it out.
If you want to get evaluated for hypoactive sexual desire disorder, go for it—it is thought to affect 10% of women, and treatment options range from behavioral changes to medication. Start with your doctor, nurse, or your local Planned Parenthood.
As for asexuality, I imagine there’s a label under the ace umbrella that describes your situation. But you’ll still have to give partners a paragraph version that is unique to you. You might start with what you’ve written here and cut it down to be succinct. It’s OK to communicate what you do know while you’re still figuring out the big picture.
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Dear How to Do It,
I am a 24-year-old cis, straight woman, and I’ve never had sex. Besides a few (literally three) awkward dates in college, my only experience with men has been with a high school boyfriend or a few random makeouts at bars. I am both deeply embarrassed by this, and also could not want to change my circumstances more. I have tried dating apps and don’t feel like it’s right for me at all, because I do feel that I would want at least some kind of connection (whether emotional or physical) established with someone before I go home with them, and the city I live in is notoriously hard to date in. Only a few of my friends know, and I’m basically lying by omission to most of them because I’m so embarrassed. Adding to my shame about being, from what I can tell, the only person over 18 in the world who is involuntarily celibate, is that I’m 100 percent certain this is the case because I am a plus-sized woman. I believe, in my most objective moments, that I actually am beautiful and have so many good qualities, but sometimes hearing that everyone else, no matter how they look or act or what they believe in, is getting boned can be TOUGH to compute.
I have been living in a city for almost two years now, and haven’t been on one date. I really feel like there’s something wrong with me. I guess I’m looking for advice on how to meet people that isn’t on the apps, but I’m also just looking for general advice on how to change the vibe I’m putting out, or a way to reframe this in my mind so that I don’t just feel deep shame about it. Is it more common than I think for people this age to be virgins? Obviously, another concern I have is that now, because I am older than I ever thought I’d be in this situation, I think it will really weird out whoever I do eventually end up going home with that I haven’t fucked before, so that’s really weighing on me as well. I feel like even though I’m so successful in other areas of my life, and I really do love my life, this weighs on me so hard that some days it’s all I can think about. I don’t know, I just want to feel normal and sexy and free!
—Cooties
Dear Cooties,
It’s absolutely normal to be an adult who hasn’t had sex yet. We’ve gotten letters over the years from people who are much older than you are about this exact situation.
Meeting people in the wild, as opposed to apps, is increasingly difficult because apps have taken over that role pretty aggressively. Often people do meet friends of friends—which has advantages such as being able to meet casually at larger social events. And sometimes people do still pick each other up at bars or community events. Confidence is required to walk over and introduce yourself, though, and that seems to be what’s tripping you up.
When you’re feeling objective and able to see how beautiful you are and what you bring to the table, make a list. Tape that list somewhere you’ll see every morning and spend a couple of minutes with that list as a regular practice. Every day, read through it. Start saying the items on the list out loud. Make the list more detailed over time. As for when you’re flirting, lead with a genuine interest in the other person and the rest will follow. You’ve got this.
Dear How to Do It,
I was diagnosed with HPV about five years ago and as a result, have had several procedures to try and rid the “pre-cancerous” cells from my cervix. It has been an emotional and frustrating journey, but thankfully for the last three years, I’ve had an amazing boyfriend by my side. We’re an extremely sexual couple, at least two times a day, type of extreme. This has always been our norm. I recently had a procedure done and one of the unspoken side effects was a decrease in libido. I had to abstain for several weeks so I could heal and even then, I suffered a complication that extended my recovery time a few more weeks. This really frightened me for many reasons, but I was hopeful that when I finally got a clean bill of health, we would be back to our normal selves. During this period we were still sexual, just no penetration.
Well, I’ve been “healthy” for two weeks now and we’ve had sex once and we stopped after I came. I was so anxious that I would be the one with a loss in sex drive, but it seems it’s my boyfriend who has. Every time I try and I initiate sex there’s an excuse as to why he can’t. After one of my first procedures, my ex and I legit stopped having sex because he said he felt like I was “damaged.” I’m concerned that history is simply repeating itself. How can I fix this?
—Can We Get Our Groove Back?
Dear Groove Back,
Is your current partner calling you “damaged”? If so, I’m not sure there’s any fixing a relationship with someone who sees you as “damaged” due to a medical procedure related to an incredibly common viral infection. If he’s really amazing, and you really love him, it’s worth starting some conversations about this “damaged” thing. Where is it coming from? Is he open to confronting any rigid beliefs that are causing that feeling? Will he have conversations with you about it that are honest and forthcoming?
If these discussions are like talking to a wall, he might not be as amazing as he seemed before these procedures. But if he’s willing to try, that’s a sign you might be able to get things back on track. A therapist or coach who specializes in couples might be helpful–but only if he’s willing to show up and do his part of the work.
But if your current partner is nothing but supportive, it will help to remind yourself in the moment that this is a different time. A different boyfriend. One who is caring and gentle. Taking deep breaths and grounding yourself in this moment and this space will help. Talk to him about how you’re feeling—and give yourselves some time to find your groove again.
—Jessica
More Advice From Slate
In the past six months, I’ve recently reconnected with a guy I knew in college. We’re not dating per se because we live a few states apart, but we talk every night and we’ve met up twice now for long weekends to spend time together. Intellectually and emotionally, it’s all great. But sexually? Not great. It’s hard to get me wet unless my partner goes down on me. But he doesn’t like my taste!
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