I’m kind of at a loss here.
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Dear How to Do It,
My girlfriend and I (both women) have been dating for three-plus years, mostly in person but some long distance. We are each other’s first sexual partners and so understandably there has been some (occasionally awkward) explanation. Between the two of us, she has the higher sex drive, although not THAT high—she would probably be happiest with sex two to four times a month. Mine is the unusually low one, made lower by depression and then antidepressants—I can go as long as two months without particularly wanting sex. Cuddling and physical intimacy, yes, actual sex, not really. I’ve found myself in a catch-22 where my girlfriend is uncomfortable initiating every time (understandable) but when I initiate, she’s told me she sometimes feels pressured to say yes because she doesn’t know when the next time I’ll want to have sex will be. I’m kind of at a loss here, folks! For the record, when we do have sex, it’s lovely.
—Where to Go From Here?
Dear Where to Go From Here?,
Catch-22 is…one way to put this. How do you feel about your girlfriend initiating every time? Are you willing to go along with things and see how they progress despite your lack of spontaneous desire? Are you willing to lean into your responsive desire while she does the steering? If you are, and if you’ve made it clear, the best shot you have at having sex at the frequency that she wishes is for her to initiate. What about that makes her uncomfortable? She may have valid reasons, but if her reasons boil down to how things “should” be, that’s putting principle over practice. She has the choice: initiate or not have sex. She should ask herself which matters more and act accordingly.
Feeling pressured can definitely make a situation less sexy, but I’m not a huge fan of her framing. Unless, you’re actually pressuring her, merely suggesting that you’re horny and down to pound is not pressure. It’s exactly what she’s asking of you when she says she doesn’t want to initiate every time. Obviously, I’m only getting one side of the story and I’m sure there’s nuance that’s missing from her experience, but navigating her conflicting messages seems really difficult. Ideally, you have a partner who works with you, and this “catch-22” finds her working against you, or at least working against your ability to connect sexually together. She’d better articulate good reasons for that or you’re stuck in a situation that will continue to be hard, if not impossible, to work out of. I wonder if she accepts you for who you are or expects you to one day change so that you’re more compatible with her comfort levels. If it’s the latter, consider the possibility that there will be no changes and lingering incompatibility. Then what? Your solutions are limited and mostly in the vicinity of breaking up.
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Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I just made a change to our birth control method. She came off the pill to try to help improve some health issues so we have switched to using condoms for the first time in our relationship. I want her to feel better and this change seems to have helped. We won’t be going back to the pill anytime soon!
Several issues have come up around condoms though. One is the smell of latex. I don’t know what it is but damn that stuff just hits me the wrong way. The odor repulses me. Condoms are nonnegotiable now (family planning is important to us both).
The other issue is around the fit. I bought regular-sized ones and they are uncomfortable. I’m not very long at 5 inches. But my girth is 5.75 inches. I’ve tried the larger sizes and it helps me not feel strangled there ends up being so much extra length at points it’s comical. I’ve pulled out and there is so much extra length flapping. My wife even comments, “Babe. You are clearly too small for those.” Do you have any suggestions on condom solutions for someone sized like me?
—Not a Magnum Guy
Dear Not a Magnum Guy,
This is tough because there are non-latex condoms that would potentially mitigate the smell issue, and there are custom-size latex condoms, but I haven’t come across one condom that can offer you all of the things you need. You may just need to pick the lesser of two evils: a smelly condom that fits you well, or one that doesn’t smell but also doesn’t fit as you wish. Decisions, decisions.
Regarding the former, check out MyOne, which offers 52 condom sizes of varying width and thickness. Using the “Fit Code” calculator on the website, it looks like the condom that would be most snug on you is 60E. They offer samples (requiring that you only pay postage). I haven’t used these, but here’s a Reddit thread with some raves. It seems worth a try.
Meanwhile, there are tons of non-latex condoms out there—Trojan makes them, and so does Durex. One brand we’ve recommended in the past is Unique, which comes in a range of sizes (though none to your exact specifications). Skyn’s is another option—and they provide a guide for measuring which of their sizes might best work for you. Here’s a sampler of some non-latex larger fits that you may want to try in case you have better luck with these brands (assuming you weren’t already using them). It really seems like MyOne is going to be best for you. Perhaps lighting a candle to set the mood or some kind of fragrance dabbed above your lip would help with the smell.
Another option, if your wife is up for it, is an internal (or “female”) condom. Instead of being worn on your penis, it would be inserted into your wife’s vagina. FC2, which Planned Parenthood says is the sole brand of internal condom that’s FDA approved and available in the U.S., requires a prescription, but that can be obtained online via the FC2 website.
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Dear How to Do It,
I am a late 30s female in a committed monogamous relationship. The only time I truly have the desire for sex is when I am not in a committed relationship. This is not just with my current partner but legitimately every relationship I have ever had… I have desire, it’s not dead, it’s just dead or close to in relationships. It’s like I never quite figured out how to enjoy sexual intimacy and pleasure with someone that I love—I just enjoyed sex for the excitement of something new. Can people like myself learn how to enjoy and look forward to sexual intimacy in relationships when the thrill and novelty are gone?
—The Thrill Is Gone
Dear The Thrill Is Gone,
Some might read your issue as a straightforward fear of commitment. There could be something to that, but I think what you’re presenting is an extreme version of what is dubbed neophilia—you say it yourself in your letter, you enjoyed sex for the excitement of something new. There’s nothing wrong with loving newness. In a 2012 New York Times piece on neophilia (that was not focused precisely on the sexual variety), a psychiatrist named C. Robert Cloninger, who developed personality tests for measuring the trait, said, “Novelty-seeking is one of the traits that keeps you healthy and happy and fosters personality growth as you age.” In fact, according to the Times, Winifred Gallagher’s book New: Understanding Our Need for Novelty and Change argues that “neophilia has always been the quintessential human survival skill.” It spurs creativity and subsequent invention, for one thing.
Neophilia in isolation, and certainly taken to the extreme, is not necessarily going to make a person happy. Cloninger’s research found that neophiles with this constellation of traits were happiest: novelty-seeking, persistence, and self-transcendence. Again, this research was not confined to the realm of sexuality, which has its own unique features and challenges. But I think it does speak to the idea that balance is key here.
This hunger for novelty is central in some of Esther Perel’s most prominent work, including that in which she explores the “paradoxical relationship between domesticity and eroticism.” In Mating in Captivity, she tends to come at this as a problem within established relationships where all parties in a long-term relationship have lost interest in sex together. But I think what Perel prescribes can be applied solo—it’s to create a distance from one’s partner to renew that sense of excitement. That could mean taking sex out of your bedroom and into a hotel once a week (slash month as your budget and schedules allow), or writing erotic letters to each other. I think you could also try applying your apparent neophilia to other activities with your partner. You could explore kink, toys, and tantra. You can find newness with the same partner.
Failing that, you can have your cake and eat it too. Opening up your relationship would allow you to keep your partner for love, stability, and affection while exploring sex with outside partners. Of course, that often comes with its own set of issues and hurdles, but it could be a way of satisfying your desire for a partner and your love of novelty. Your task now is to weigh how much work you’re putting into shifting things versus accepting yourself for the way you are. There is likely work to be done in both areas.
Dear How to Do It,
I have a little bit unusual question, my husband has had low libido for the majority of our relationship. Some of this is low testosterone, some is due to antidepressants, and some is just due to him being more sensitive. He also has delayed ejaculation. He is now on testosterone but still doesn’t have a high sex drive. My sex drive was always higher than his but now I am going through menopause and despite using bioidentic hormones, have seen my own desire dramatically decrease. The problem is we can’t seem to get in sync. When he’s in the rare mood I’m not, when I’m in the rare mood he isn’t. We have used romantic dates, sensate touch, massage, and even porn to try to get synced but it just isn’t working. In all other areas of our life we are happy, compatible, and on the same page. Any advice on how to get our motors revving at the same time?
—Timing Out
Dear Timing Out,
When he’s in the mood, and you aren’t, have you ever tried to go through with sex anyway? The idea is to allow yourself to warm up—it’s to let responsive desire take over in the absence of spontaneous desire. In Come Together, Emily Nagoski writes, “Where spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.” Certainly don’t push yourself into sex that feels wrong, but if you can try to engage in some foreplay—that is, direct contact that could lead to sex (and isn’t quite covered, it would seem, by what you’ve already tried)—perhaps that could help facilitate your responsive desire. You should encourage him to do the same, and consider reading Nagoski’s book, which goes long and deep on this subject. The general idea is to center pleasure, worrying far less about desire than what said desire leads to.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
My wife and I are a young-at-heart couple in our mid-50s but presenting measurably younger. I, for example, have managed to keep all my own teeth, my hair in nearly the same color as my youth, and I can see all my toes when I stand up. By the standards of straight middle-aged men in the U.S., I’m a 10! Our sex life as a couple can be characterized in a word as “ecstatic.” Our problem/query: We don’t find ourselves invited to any group sex encounters?
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