My Husband Constantly Needs “Breaks” From Parenting. What?

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I know it’s important for parents to support each other and make sure each is getting the breaks they need while parenting, but how are you supposed to approach it when the level at which one parent requires a break is radically different from the other? My husband was great when our 19-month-old and 2-year-old were infants, but now that they are solidly into the toddler phase, he can easily get very overwhelmed with them within 30 minutes. I’ve tried talking to him about his expectations of toddler behavior (and that I think they’re not overly realistic), because I think that’s where his exasperation with them comes from, but it’s not helping. He was raised in a very strict home where you just listened because otherwise there were (generally physical) consequences, which started very early. He would absolutely never be physical with nor harm our kids, but I think his parents’ (and other relatives’) behavior standards are very ingrained and hard for him to adjust. It seems like he is always at the point where it’s time for a break from active parenting because he is getting burnt out, so I never get to be at that point. What can I do to encourage him to build some stronger coping mechanisms and adjust expectations, so that I am able to get some actual breaks for myself that aren’t just at night when both kids are asleep?

—Getting Burnt Out, But Never as Much as Him

Dear Burnt Out,

I can understand why your husband is easily overwhelmed after being raised in an authoritarian house where he probably couldn’t be a typical kid, let alone misbehave, without being physically punished. If his own history is making it harder for him to parent now, he should know there’s help out there. I’m glad he doesn’t want to parent the same way his parents did—but he does still need to parent! He can’t just check out and let you handle all of it until both your children are at an “easier” age (in the same way I don’t think there are truly “bad” ages, I also don’t think there are consistently “easy” ages).

I think it’s ok to let him know about both your needs and the stakes: He needs to step up and parent your kids not only so you get the breaks and recharging time you need, but also for his own sake, and the sake of his relationships with you and with them. Otherwise, he will miss out on opportunities to know and be close to them, they won’t grow up knowing that they can depend on him the way they depend on you, and your exhaustion and resentment will inevitably increase.

As for his behavioral expectations, I think those will start to naturally shift as he spends more time actively parenting the kids and getting used to what they’re like at this age. I don’t know what it looks like when he gets “overwhelmed,” but you say you’re not worried that he would ever harm them, so I assume that means you aren’t afraid to leave them with him. If that’s the case, one thing to try is just … leaving them with him? When you take your next break, leave the house so you’re not there to “help” (take over). It’s fine to start with a short period of time, like a couple of hours, and extend from there.

You could turn your phone off, or you could just tell him not to call you unless it’s a true emergency. If he doesn’t know this stuff already, he should have a list of the kids’ favorite meals and snacks, favorite activities, favorite books and music, tried-and-true distractions, etc. ready to go. Or he can take them out of the house, too, to a park or a friend’s house or wherever—the point is, they do whatever they’re going to do while you peace out for a bit.

And you know, sometimes he might still get overwhelmed! It happens to the best of us. Parenting two toddlers is not a chill activity. But he will get through it, and he will get through the next time, and the kids will be fine, and that is how he will learn that they can all do this: by practicing and doing it.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have five kids, and it’s like I just never adjusted after the last baby—I cannot for the life of me seem to get my shit together. I try to write everything down, and still it seems like every week I’m missing a dentist appointment for someone, forgetting about a birthday party for someone else, realizing I missed a bill payment date, forgetting to find a babysitter for the parent council meeting I promised I’d be at, scrambling around the house looking for clean underwear in the morning, realizing I never called the doctor’s office back, and on and on and on. I’m exhausted and miserable. I can’t live this way. But I just have no idea how to start getting on top of everything. I would greatly appreciate any and all ideas from more organized, less chaotic parents.

—Struggling

Dear Struggling,

If I knew the secret to having all of one’s parenting shit together, I would not need to write this column or do much of anything at all anymore, because I would be a billionaire.

I know you’re already writing everything down, but truly, what is paper except for something that may be lost (or taken and drawn on/thrown away/otherwise destroyed by one’s child)? Even when I had a paper planner I loved and absolutely wrote things down in, I would often forget to look at it. While I don’t have everything together myself, I can tell you that I now rely on both my individual and the shared family Google calendar to an absurd degree. I have drifted from the faith of my childhood; the digital calendar is basically my religion now—I am obsessive about adding appointments and obligations to it the moment they are scheduled; I invite other members of my family to the events that are relevant to them (thereby ensuring I’m not the only person who is aware of what’s going on); I check it every Sunday to see what’s coming up during the week and every morning to get a quick snapshot of the day.

What also helps me a lot—your mileage may vary!—is setting up email reminders for things I have to prepare for ahead of time. I will sometimes miss phone notifications, but it’s harder (for me) to completely overlook an email nudge. So for a birthday, for example, with a party I need to not only attend but also procure a present for, I might set it up so I get an email reminder one week ahead of time (to give me time to find and buy a gift), then one day before (so I can make any last-minute arrangements that might be necessary), and then the last one three hours before (so I remember to get ready and, you know, actually go). I realize this won’t work for everyone and may not work for you—no doubt there will be more suggestions in the comments. My editor suggested that you look into your phone’s “reminder” or “task” function—he’s constantly muttering, “Hey Google, remind me on Tuesday at 10 a.m. that Nicole’s wonderful draft will be ready to edit,” and it’s great.

I hope you can find some sort of system that helps you feel somewhat more on top of things. Another thing to keep in mind if you have a spouse or partner is that all of this isn’t—or at least, shouldn’t be—on you alone. The administrative burden of parenting and running a household may be inescapable, but whenever possible, it should be shared labor. As you try to figure out what sort of system will work for you, I hope you can give yourself a little grace—with five kids, of course you have a ton going on week to week. And no matter how many kids one has, sometimes some things are just going to slip through the cracks. Try not to beat yourself up when that happens.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

We have a 1-year-old and a 4.5-year-old. We all eat dinner together, but the 4.5-year-old takes three times as long to finish eating. This has recently become a problem because the 1-year-old can’t sit for that long at the table. Is it weird to ask the 4.5-year-old to finish eating by herself while one of us plays with the baby and the other cleans up the dishes?

—Restaurant Manager

Dear Manager,

I don’t think it’s at all weird for one parent to go and entertain the 1-year-old while their sibling finishes eating. It might feel a bit nicer if the parent who stays keeps the 4.5-year-old company at the table—maybe dishes can wait? Then again, I don’t know how much time you’re talking about here (my children, like their mother, tend to eat as though they might never see food again). If your family eats dinner in the kitchen, as many do, then maybe you can just start the dishes while your 4.5-year-old eats there, without leaving her completely alone. Or, if you don’t want to leave her eating alone in the dining room while you start cleaning up, have her bring the rest of her dinner into the kitchen with the parent on dish duty.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 5.5-year-old daughter has remained in pullups overnight. Whenever we try underwear, she ends up wetting the bed within a few days. Last night I took her for a dream pee around 11 and she woke up wet around 1:30. We’ve always taken the approach that you can’t train for nighttime and her body will just be ready when it is. But she is sad and wants to be out of pull-ups at night. When I look into products that help with this, they’re just basically alarms that go off if you do pee. She doesn’t seem to need that, she wakes up when she is wet—just not beforehand. Is there something else we can be doing? Will she adjust on her own? What else do these products do that makes them work?

—You’re Not Actually Swimming

Dear Not Swimming,

I don’t know a lot about the alarm products you mentioned, but as I understand it, at least some of them are supposed to be sensitive enough to detect a very small amount and go off when the child is just starting to urinate. The hope is that the kid will gradually be trained in holding the rest when the alarm goes off, long enough to make it to the bathroom—and eventually learn to wake up before they start to go.

I do know of a lot of kids who were still in pullups at night at 5, 6, even later. If you’re concerned or just want more advice about this, your first stop should always be your pediatrician, but in the meantime there are a couple of other basic things to try: no liquids—or at least no more than a sip or two of water—between dinner and bedtime (obviously, make sure your child is drinking enough earlier and not getting dehydrated); waking her before you go to bed to have her go to the bathroom; and maybe setting your own alarm to have her try to go one more time before morning.

Accidents are of course normal and part of nighttime training—if she has a few, that’s not necessarily a reason to stop trying. I’m not saying you have to keep trying and dealing with wet sheets and interrupted sleep indefinitely, but I also wouldn’t expect her to be able to train herself over the course of just a few nights. If you all make a real effort and it doesn’t take this time, reassure her that it’s ok, and maybe have her try again in a few months. And invest in some good mattress protectors if you haven’t already.

—Nicole

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