My Husband’s Parents Are a Threat to Our Child’s Safety. But He Doesn’t See the Problem.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am pregnant with my second child with my new husband (his first). I am very close to my parents, and they helped me raise my daughter as I went through a divorce, though not always without strings. It has taken a lot of therapy for me to set good boundaries, and we are all in a better place. My husband was raised in a household with physical and emotional abuse. The severity of the abuse is unclear to me, but I know he was slapped in the face, called names, and screamed at by his mother, and I am fairly certain his father did worse. The abuse is not discussed in his family.

My husband hates spending time with his family but feels guilty, so we end up seeing them every couple of months for a few hours. I have a feeling his mother will push for more time with our kid when they are born, and I think it’s something we should know our boundaries on now. I personally have concerns with his mother being alone with our child given her history (his father would never care to do this, so it isn’t a problem). Any time I bring this up, my husband gets very defensive and expresses concern that my mother would emotionally manipulate our child like she did with me. This never comes up outside of the conversations regarding his family. I have never witnessed any behavior that makes me worried my parents are developing a toxic relationship with my daughter. I feel like my parents have proven how capable they are as grandparents. Theoretically, I would like to give his mother a chance to do the same, but given the stakes (safety), and the type of relationship my husband and I have with his family (or lack thereof), I don’t think it’s worth it. Am I way off base here?

—Second-time Mom with a First-time Problem

Dear Second-time Mom,

I think you’re right to be concerned. Considering the abuse your husband experienced at the hands of his parents, it makes perfect sense not to let them have unsupervised access to your kids. But in the same way that your husband hasn’t really set a firm boundary with his parents for his own sake, it seems he isn’t sure whether or how to do so for the sake of your future child. You said that his family never talks about the abuse. Has he talked with you, or anyone else, about it? I ask because this feels like a case where his feelings about it might be coming out sideways—perhaps he’s getting defensive and lashing out at you because that is easier, in some ways, than facing or dealing with the trauma his parents caused.

One suggestion is to tell him that you two can talk about your family dynamics, but that is a separate conversation. You need to be able to discuss his parents and why you don’t want them to be alone with or have unfettered access to your children. Of course, it would be better if you and your husband were on the same page about this, but it may be something you need to insist on even if he’s not there yet. I would try saying something like: “I know your relationship with your parents is challenging because of what they’ve done in the past, and I’ll never tell you how you should feel about them. Our child’s safety and wellbeing are non-negotiable. On everything else, there’s room for compromise.” You want to establish some ground rules to make sure your kids are safe—that is more than reasonable, and hopefully it’s something you and your husband can eventually do together.

If he’s really struggling to acknowledge the need for any boundaries at all with his parents, the two of you should consider seeking some professional support. This isn’t me throwing up my hands and telling you to go to therapy—I just think that there are a lot of painful issues at play here, and there’s only so much time before you give birth. Your husband does not have years or decades to work through all this, and neither do you, so having some guidance and/or mediation could really help you have the conversation you need to have.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter Bella is entering the 10th grade. She has been friends with Emma since 4th grade. Emma has always been a bit of a wild child—she speaks inappropriately to adults, including her parents and teachers; she is rude to her peers that she thinks are not cool; she seems to want to draw as much attention to herself as possible by speaking loudly and wearing “sexy clothes” (Emma’s words, not mine). Although I haven’t been the biggest fan of Emma’s because of her brash and immature nature, I realize she is just a kid and is desperately trying to find her place in the world.

Well, Bella has become fed up with Emma, who treats Bella like crap and then calls it a joke, makes fun of Bella’s other friends, etc. My daughter is ready to completely write off Emma and never speak to her again. She doesn’t want to invite her to our house or to any hangouts with other people because she thinks Emma will be rude to them. I don’t think I should force Bella to remain friends with Emma. But I also know that Emma doesn’t have many friends and this would be a complete shock to her—not to mention, she might make life pretty miserable for Bella. Is it completely wrong for Bella to invite a few mutual friends to our house—for her birthday, for example—without inviting Emma? Do you think it’s possible for a friendship to end naturally when people will still see each other in class or after school clubs?

—Torn Mom

Dear Torn,

Not only should you not force two teenagers to be friends, you literally can’t! It has never, in the entire history of the world, worked even once. You can rest easy in the knowledge that the right thing to do, in this case, is also your only option.

Deciding what sort of treatment they are and aren’t willing to tolerate, recognizing when friendships and relationships have grown unhealthy, and figuring out who they trust and actually want to be around are all good things for teens to learn! Bella has made a solid choice, and I think you should affirm, not challenge, her instincts on this. Of course, Bella shouldn’t be mean to Emma when they do run into each other. She shouldn’t disparage or gossip about her behind her back. But she also doesn’t have to be her close friend and spend a lot of time with her outside of school if she doesn’t like how Emma treats her or her friends.

You aren’t wrong to feel some real empathy for Emma. She’s probably not a terrible person, just a young person trying to figure things out, as you say. But she hasn’t been a good or kind friend to your daughter, and implying that our kids just have to put up with being treated badly by so-called friends sends a harmful message. Who knows, Emma might learn something important about friendship from this experience—and even if she doesn’t, it’s perfectly ok for Bella to choose to move on.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My mom started dating late last year, about three years after my dad’s death. I was a little concerned by how quickly she met someone, but after getting to know her boyfriend Dave, I think the timeline was a matter of luck. He’s a nice guy with no apparent red flags. My kids took to him right away, and he’s very sweet with them. The trouble is, my sister hates Dave. She implies that his niceness is a front, but when I ask her why she feels that way, her only answer is that she just does. While I don’t think she’s under any obligation to like him, it’s pretty obvious that her problem with him is that he’s not our dad.

Now that it’s summer, my mom and Dave have been taking my kids out or having them over, along with Dave’s local grandkids, about every other week. The kids are all close in age and get along great. To my sister’s credit, she never says anything negative about Dave in front of the kids, and reacts in a neutral-to-positive way when they talk about what they did together. But I always get an angry text later: “How could you let Dave take the kids fishing when Dad will never get to?” Our brother has started ignoring every text she sends about Dave and has encouraged me to do the same; he says our sister has always been self-centered and dramatic and will come around to reality faster if we don’t engage. I feel guilty for ignoring these texts when I can tell that she’s struggling with her grief, but I’m also sick of having this discussion every time I let my kids go bowling with their grandma and Dave. Is there some middle ground here?

—Grandma’s Got A Boyfriend

Dear Grandma’s Got a Boyfriend,

It sounds like you don’t want to fight with your sister about Dave, nor do you agree with her that Dave is the devil. Given that, refusing to engage with her on this is the middle ground. You and your brother are actually in agreement about that—it’s just that his way of doing that is to ignore her, and you haven’t decided on your course yet.

Ignoring your sister when she vents about Dave is certainly one option. But if that doesn’t feel right for you based on your relationship with her—or if by some chance you’re worried about her, maybe because you feel that her emotional overreaction to Dave is a clear sign that she hasn’t really dealt with her grief for your father—you can try telling her that, too. You can let her know that she’s free to share whatever legitimate concerns she has about Dave with your mother, but ultimately your mother is an adult who gets to make her own decisions about her love life. You can also tell her that you’ve listened, you’ve heard her, and you don’t want to discuss Dave with her anymore. And then, if she persists in trying to draw you into this drama, go ahead and leave those texts on read.

Whether you try to reason with her first or skip straight to the ignoring stage, the main thing you want to get across is that you’re not a willing participant in the sport of Dave-bashing.
Your sister can feel however she feels, but she can bring those feelings to someone else.

Dear Care and Feeding,

What is the etiquette for gifts at kids’ birthday parties these days? For my daughter’s third birthday, I invited everyone from her daycare class and didn’t specify anything about gifts. Growing up, I don’t remember anyone saying “no gifts” on an invite. I didn’t expect people to bring gifts to my daughter’s party, I just didn’t think to say anything either way. Everyone brought gifts, my daughter loved them, and I sent everyone a thank-you note. Since then, we’ve been invited to multiple birthday parties and every one of them said “no gifts” on the invite. All of these parties provided entertainment, food, and gift bags. I feel weird not bringing a gift when all of these people bought gifts for my daughter on her birthday and also spent a lot of money on parties and favors. Is this the standard now? The parents of the kids at my daughter’s school appear to be very affluent—maybe it’s just an affluent person thing?

—Gift Protocol

Dear Gift Protocol,

What people can spend on a child’s birthday party does have a lot to do with how financially comfortable they are, but I think the gift policy mostly comes down to personal preference.
A lot of people probably feel that their children have more than enough stuff cluttering up the house already, and they don’t want their guests to feel obligated to spend money—especially when there are so many kid parties to attend. I don’t think anyone should ever feel bad for showing up to a kid’s birthday party without a present, but specifying “no gifts” removes any potential awkwardness for anyone for whom it might be a hardship.

There’s no need to overthink this! If your daughter is invited to a party and the invitation says no gifts, then respect that—you never have to feel weird or guilty for doing as the hosts ask. It’s up to you how you handle future parties you throw. As long as your gift policy isn’t “bring many expensive gifts or no entry,” I honestly think you’re fine.

—Nicole

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