My Longtime Girlfriend Wants to Move In Together. But Her Adult Children Have Got to Go.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m in an 11-year relationship with a wonderful woman. We are both divorced and maintain good jobs and individual homes. Her mother lives with her (and I love her mom). She has two adult boys. One of them is 27 years old and lives with her and works from home. The other is a 32-year-old who lives with his girlfriend and they have a 1-year-old child. Both of her sons are very dependent on her on a daily basis and it is getting to be a bit much. We have discussed moving in together but I don’t want or like having her grown sons around all of the time. The 27-year-old needs to move out. How can I bring this to her attention or should I just maintain the two-home deal?

—Frustrated

Dear Frustrated, 

Many couples (even married ones!) are together for long periods of time and still maintain separate households, especially if one has kids from a previous relationship. If it’s worked for you so far, I wouldn’t necessarily change the status quo. Telling someone you won’t live with them unless they force their child to move out and limit the time they spend with them is a harsh proposal.

Your letter didn’t include too much information about her relationship with her kids, but it sounds like she doesn’t mind them needing her every day. In fact, it sounds like she enjoys having them around. Even if her 27-year-old were to move out, he’d likely still hang out with her at home just like her other son. All three of them seem to have a close bond. You don’t want to be the one to get in the way of that. You’d be proposing an ultimatum: Choose me or your kids. And I think asking her to choose will damage your relationship more than it will help it grow. I’d keep your house and just continue the great relationship you’ve had up to this point. And if you are ever willing to accept that she’s a package deal with her adult children, then maybe at that point, you can consider moving in together.

Dear Pay Dirt, 

I’m very close to buying my first apartment but the process is taking more time than expected. The lease on my rental is ending, so my boyfriend, who I’ve been with for a year, has offered to let me stay in his small one-bedroom for a couple of weeks.

I’m really grateful but also terrified that moving in together, even temporarily, will transform our chill, easy dynamic into a dependent one. We love each other but we each also love living alone, and supporting myself on my own salary is a strong source of self-identity for me (he makes considerably more than me). What can we do to help maintain our independence, socially and financially, while I’m all up in his space during this period? I plan to contribute to groceries, and cook a few nights a week, and you bet I’m treating him to dinner out when all of this is over. But should we combine our laundry? Plan regular solo walks to give the other time to be alone? Should I do more cleaning to compensate for increasing his utility bills?

—Room for a Small One

Dear Room for a Small One, 

Congratulations on buying your first apartment! It’s kind of your boyfriend to offer an alternative living arrangement while you close out this process.

Before you start proactively looking up recipes and bringing out the cleaning supplies, I would ask your boyfriend what you can do to help financially and logistically while you’re staying there. Buying groceries and cooking meals sounds great to you, but he might be looking for you to help in another way like covering one of the utility bills. Or he might be expecting you to just relax until it’s time to move out and doesn’t want you scrubbing his baseboards. It’s better to talk about it and decide on a plan for this time together before randomly doing something he may not expect or even want you to do.

As for prioritizing your independence, I am a big supporter of doing things for yourself and hanging out with people who aren’t your partner. I’d hash out what that might look like with him, too. Yes, keep up your routines and freedom but make a little time for each other. Moving in together, even for just a short while, is a big step. And it’s best to get in the habit now of openly communicating with each other during major life changes.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I started out with a no-fee, low-interest, and no rewards credit card at my local bank when I was 19. I’ve kept it ever since. I’ve been responsible with it—I pay it off in full every month, and I spend within my means. My bank is reconsolidating in a way that is much less convenient and less financially helpful for me. I plan to pick a new one and switch by January. Since I’m leaving the bank anyway, I’m hoping to switch to a credit card with rewards but I don’t know how to pick one. Is it ever worth it to get one with a fee? Should I get a regional bank and then a non-bank credit card like an airline? Or should I go with a bank-linked one like the Chase Sapphire Preferred card?

My credit card represents most of my regular spending. I live in a high cost-of-living area and spend about $5,000 a month on my credit card. My regular costs are: rent, medical care, groceries, insurance, internet, electricity, transit, gym, and non-essentials. I fly domestically five to six times a year to visit family and to go on vacation. I mostly spend on day-to-day life. How do I choose? I’m scared of getting in over my head with something that has a lot of fees or an interest rate I’ll regret.

—Taking Off the Credit Card Wheels

Dear Credit Card Wheels, 

What an exciting step for you! Paying an annual fee for a credit card can be worth it if the credit card rewards exceed the fee itself. For example, you mentioned the Chase Sapphire Preferred credit card in your letter. The annual fee for this card is $95; however, you can get 60,000 points and $300 worth of travel credits if you spend more than $4,000 in the first three months, which you’d have no problem doing since you put most of your spending on your card. You also get additional points when traveling and dining out. These points can then be used toward your travel throughout the year. So, in this particular case, I would say yes, the fee would be worth it because the benefits outweigh the fees.

Since you spend mainly on your everyday life, you might want to look for a card that gives you cash-back on groceries and the retailers you shop at the most. I prioritize cards that can give me cash-back on my regular purchases. It might not sound as alluring as free miles to travel with, but over the past year, I’ve gotten a few hundred dollars back this way, which I’ve been able to use to pay for my expenses. There are also apps that can help you keep track of your credit card rewards and will even tell you what cards to use where. Remember not to apply for a bunch of new credit lines at once, though, as that can drop your credit score, which will make it harder to get approved for new ones.

—Athena

Classic Prudie

Am I overreacting that my entire family forgot my milestone birthday on my cousin’s wedding day? I turned 30 this year. I’m a big fan of celebrating my birthday. At my 29th birthday, people started talking about the last year of my 20s, and I told them I had planned to do a big year of events all leading up to a huge party on my 30th birthday and a trip the week after. I thought it was fortuitous that my birthday was on a Saturday this year, so I planned on going big. One of my cousins asked about my birthday plans at Christmas and I told everybody about them. Well, on New Year’s Eve, my cousin got engaged.