My Mom Can’t Seem to Stop Punishing Me For Moving Away

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I moved to my husband’s country 11 years ago. We’re doing pretty well and are very happy, with a house, a cat, and two children. My mum, however, has become more and more bitter and resentful. She’s been retired for seven years and makes a reasonable pension. She now owns her 4-bedroom house after decades of mortgage repayment. I know she doesn’t have other assets or much savings, but still I think she’s pretty privileged, and she managed to get there pretty much all on her own so she should be proud.

Yet she constantly moans about being poor, having no money for holidays or getting a new car, and most importantly: She says she cannot afford to visit me and my family. And yet she recently invested in an air-conditioning system for her bedroom which cost her 2000 euros.  (It is super uncommon to have AC in her country.) She pays a gardener several hundred euros to upkeep her yard. She buys stuff for my kids I never asked for (like a bassinet and a cot—I declined both when she asked if I wanted them, but she bought them anyway, then made passive-aggressive comments about wasting money). But for some reason, spending a couple hundred euros on a trip to visit us is completely unthinkable.

I live a 3-hour train ride away, and yes, I am very much aware of the cost of the trip because I’ve been doing it several times a year for the past 11 years. She could sleep at our house. I’ve even offered to buy her a gift card for the train trip but she refused. Heck, I would even pay for her hotel if she let me, but she’s got a ridiculous sense of pride. I would much prefer to pay for her entire trip rather than me dragging my two young children to another country several times a year.

This isn’t new. The first time she saw my home was the day of my wedding, seven years after I had moved. The responsibility has always been on me, and obviously it’s never enough: “I never see the kids,” “You never stay long enough,” etc. I do plan on going home in the new year to visit my grandma, aunt, and friends, but I will probably just book a hotel and let her know we’ll be around. I’m just very confused and fed up with her guilt trips and constant victimization. I love her and miss her, but I also kind of want her out of my life. Should I go no contact for a while?

–It’s Not About Money, Is It

Dear It’s Not About,

No, it’s not about money, but I’d also venture a guess it isn’t about you. It’s about her and her hang-ups, her comfort in her own space, a life spent scraping together enough for mortgage payments, and a sense of precarity even in her relatively comfortable retirement. That doesn’t necessarily make her attitude hurt less, but I don’t think that her weirdness is some kind of judgment about your life in your country, your husband, or your children.

Despite the current popularity of “going no contact” with parents, I am not a fan of the tactic in anything but the most dire of circumstances. I don’t think a blanket philosophy like this really suits most adults’ complicated relationships with their parents, which are usually a mix of love, resentment, and concern. Given how much you profess to miss her, I don’t think a “no contact” declaration is likely to make you happy.

What you need is a period of limited but easy contact, and it sounds like you’ve got a plan for that. Take your trip across the Channel! Give her plenty of notice, see who you want to see, and spend an afternoon at her place. If she tries to guilt-trip you about how long you’re staying, tell her this trip was all you could afford. And repeat, kindly but firmly: “Mum, we’ll host you any time, and I’ll be happy to help with the expense.” Don’t get baited into an argument about how much money she actually has. Don’t, no matter how much you want to, ask her just how much she’s using her air conditioning. Remain pleasant, focus on giving your children a good experience, and do your best to enjoy your time with her.

And after? Talk to her on the phone now and then. Each time you do, repeat the same message: “Mum, we’ll host you any time, and I’ll be happy to help with the expense.” She may or may not take you up on your offer. Remember that that’s up to her and her neuroses—it’s nothing you can control.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My partner and I have some friends we met while both families were pregnant. Our 3-year-olds are besties, or at least whatever that looks like in toddlers. However, this other couple split up about a year ago, and thank God for that—there was so much tension between them it was hard to be around them.

Things are a bit easier now, and we enjoy one of the parents, “Robin,” a lot. My partner and I consider Robin to be our best parent friend. But the other parent, “Sammy,” is excruciating to be around. Sammy constantly compares our kids by putting their child down (in front of the kids!), tells people (again, in front of both kids) that their child “doesn’t understand anything” due to being autistic, and demands their child hug or kiss mine even when my child is backing up or shaking their head. I know I need to talk to them but they do not take feedback well. Sammy even teaches workshops on consent for their job!

Robin and Sammy coparent and live only a few blocks away from each other. I don’t know how to have a relationship with Robin and their child without Sammy being present at least half the time. How can I change this dynamic? Our kids’ friendship is so important to me.

–Toddler Friendships Always Come With Baggage

Dear Baggage,

Wait, so Robin and Sammy are split up, and you’re trying to figure out how to hang out with Robin and not Sammy? I don’t know that I’ve ever faced a simpler question. Just text Robin when you want to do something! Don’t text Sammy. Schedule playdates with Robin, and don’t schedule playdates with Sammy. It sure doesn’t sound like Robin wants to hang out with Sammy! So why should you?

Sure, you’ll have the occasional encounter at the playground or whatever. Be polite but distant. Tell Sammy in very clear language that they must stop forcing their child to hug yours. If they don’t “take the feedback well”—great, you’ve got another reason to steer clear of this person.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have been at our wits’ end with our kids. Our boys, ages 11 and 9, have just started fighting like cats and dogs. They don’t listen to anything we say. On a drive to their grandparents’ house, the kids spent the first hour hitting, kicking, and crying in the backseat. At one point, one of them kicked my husband’s arm. We were on a two-lane highway and our car veered into the opposite lane. Luckily, there were no cars very close to us, but we could have easily had a head-on collision at 60 mph.

My husband, normally the cool-headed parent, pulled over and started screaming at the kids. I know that’s not great, but I probably would have done it if he hadn’t. He yelled at the boys that what they did could have killed everybody in the car, or it could have killed us and left them orphans. He yelled about not tolerating their misbehavior anymore.

The boys were clearly shocked and started crying. They spent much of the weekend at their grandmother’s side. It’s been a couple weeks and the boys’ behavior is much better, but they are very sullen. Based on my boys’ comments, I think that they are preoccupied with death and worried about causing someone’s death. I am now really frightened that this has become one of those pivotal moments in the boys’ lives that alters their personalities. That they are going to spend the rest of their lives worrying about dying and death. What should we do?

–Did We Break Our Sons?

Dear Break,

I’ve got great news for you: You did not break your sons. No, yelling at your kids is not the ideal parenting technique, but in this case it was totally understandable, totally justified, and—frankly—it seems to have worked. That doesn’t mean that yelling at them should be your default mode of communication from here on out. Of course, in general, you want to remain calm and treat your children with peaceful respect.

But don’t beat yourself up about this. Your close call and your husband’s one eruption have not transformed your children into goths. They will chew on this experience a little while longer, then file it away. I would argue it is good that they’ll remember getting yelled at, and how angry and frightened you both were in that moment. Their misbehavior crossed a line, and there were unpleasant consequences that made them unhappy. That’s as much a part of parenting as everything else.

—Dan