My Mother-in-Law Thinks Excluding Her Racist Boyfriend From Thanksgiving Is “Cruel.” But It’s Time for a Reckoning.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother-in-law’s partner (Bob) has a history of making racist comments and alienating family members. Her daughter has gone no-contact with him and her 13-year-old twins have never met him. Over 15 years ago, he called a family friend a racial slur during Thanksgiving and is no longer invited and no longer spoken to by that person’s family. My MIL thinks it is cruel for him to be left out, plus she relies on him to drive her places now that she is elderly. It’s hard to see her without him. I put up with Bob’s racist comments for a decade, but now that we have a 2-year-old, I am concerned about her being exposed to him. What can we do?

—Provoked Parent

Dear Provoked,

First, I can imagine that Bob’s presence might put a damper on family gatherings even without the virulent racism. It’s probably worth making a plan to see and spend time with your mom without him, at least on occasion. That might mean that you or someone else helps with transportation, since she can’t drive herself.

Unfortunately, all our kids are going to be exposed to racists in their lives. Many will be their targets. When it comes to our children being exposed to the racism of family members, I think there are generally two options: Cut it off (which frequently means little or no contact), or call it out. As the lone person of color in my white adoptive family, I wasn’t capable of cutting off everyone who said something racist in my or my kids’ hearing—that would have been pretty much all of them, at one point or another, though some were far worse offenders than others. I don’t say this to minimize the seriousness of what my relatives said, or to claim that others whose family members said such things would be wrong to choose estrangement; I’m just saying that I didn’t choose it. Avoiding one unapologetically racist relative in particular would have meant seeing my parents, who I saw too rarely as it was, even less often.

I’ve always felt it’s important for my kids not to see me passively accepting or condoning racist comments from anyone, relatives included. By the time I became a parent, I’d long since abandoned the idea that receiving or offering love to my white family required me to be small or silent; the kids just meant that I gave up my last remaining you-know-whats. From the time they were young—possibly too young to even understand what was being said—I would frequently and firmly push back. When I thought my family members were being offensive, I said so. I explained why I found particular instances of casual anti-Asian racism (fake “accents,” stereotypes, slurs) personally hurtful. I told them not to say certain things in my kids’ hearing. I made a point of talking with my kids about why something they’d overheard wasn’t true, or wasn’t ok. When necessary—say, when my stated boundaries were ignored, and a family member kept pushing an offensive viewpoint in my kids’ earshot—I didn’t hesitate to remove us from the room or the situation.

I’m getting so personal here in part to make the point that this is personal for you, too—as it is for a lot of people in Trump’s America, especially those more marginalized. We all have our dignity; we all have our lines. And we make these tough decisions, as best we can, for ourselves and our kids. You are the only one who can d figure out whether Bob’s racism is a total dealbreaker for you. You’re the only one who can decide to remove yourself (and your kids) from his presence altogether and maybe see your mother less, or accept that you will sometimes see him and be ready to say what’s right and true so your kids can witness their parent doing so. And you’re also the one who has to make this particular call where your unpleasant relative is concerned, and then live with it.

You have no control over the kind of person Bob chooses to be (a racist asshole). But you can control what you do here. You are not powerless or voiceless. You are the person who has the most influence over your children and how they’re brought up to think about right and wrong and other human beings in the world. Decide how you’re going to stand up for and live your values—how you’re going to be an example and a teacher to them—and commit to it.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My spouse (they/them) and I share our two children, ages 5 and 7. My spouse is an MD in a field not related to children. They have a lot of practical medical knowledge and experience. What they don’t have is a lot of common sense or experience with kids. I grew up taking care of kids, and for most of my adult life have worked and volunteered in situations in which I had to be certified by the Red Cross in first aid, and have had to deal with plenty of typical first-aid situations. My spouse and I also have extremely different brains: I am hyper-aware of most everything around me and have a lot of experience problem-solving, especially when things aren’t cut-and-dried. My spouse is excellent at focusing on one thing at a time and often doesn’t catch nuance. But they have a serious leadership position in society, and I’m just a stay-at-home parent.

My spouse wants to be the authority with our kids when it comes to anything health-related. If I don’t automatically go along with them in their assessments or decisions relating to everyday kid health issues, they think I don’t understand the situation. We have different levels of response to our kids, and I often moderate my response when my spouse is in a more extreme mindset about a situation, which my spouse reads as me not caring enough and/or being unwilling to cede to their authority. They think I need to defer to them, while I think it is best if I maintain my own assessment of kid health issues (like getting their fingers stuck in small spaces, or whether or not the sniffles merit a day off school, etc.), and I prefer to defer, if needed, to pediatric doctors and specialists.

This has created a lot of conflict, as my spouse finds it extremely disrespectful that I don’t accept unilateral decisions or behaviors from them about our kids. But I don’t think it’s appropriate for one parent to have a higher level of authority in decision-making. I also don’t think it’s appropriate that my spouse uses their professional expertise as a way to diminish my participation in caring for our kids and making decisions for their well-being. I do actually value their medical expertise, but I don’t want to be brushed off or diminished because I disagree. Some people have told me I should just go along to get along. But that’s not how I want to parent, and not how I want my kids to see us as co-parents. I could use some outside perspective here.

—Just a Mom

Dear Just a Mom,

You didn’t share specific examples of different opinions or responses you and your spouse have had, so I can’t say whether I think they tend to overreact or you tend to under-react. But “go along to get along” really doesn’t feel like a solution here—not when your spouse is showing such deep disrespect for you. You aren’t just “a” mom; you are your children’s mom. You know them; you love them; you want them to be well and happy. You’re an expert where they are concerned, and you get to have opinions about their health and wellbeing.

I get that your spouse’s training and career have equipped them with skills non-physicians don’t have. You get this, too—you said that you genuinely appreciate and value their medical expertise. But physicians are not exempt from the obligation to listen to and respect their spouses. Or does your spouse imagine that all doctor-parents should expect immediate deference and no pushback from their non-doctor spouses? Do they want an equal partner, or another child? (Note: A child wouldn’t always defer to them, either! And if I were you, I’d pay close attention to how they react when your kids don’t immediately and cheerfully comply.)

Demanding your automatic deference (a gross word, let’s just say it) as a co-parent—and assuming that you don’t respect them, don’t care enough, or don’t understand the situation if you don’t immediately fall in line with their opinion—shows a remarkable lack of respect on your spouse’s part. When you partner or start a family with another person, you need to be able to discuss issues and even disagree without turning everything into an attack or personal affront. You need to be able to weigh pros and cons and make decisions together. It’s not always easy; you are not always going to do a good job at it. But if a person isn’t committed to at least trying to talk and engage with their spouse in good faith as much as possible, they are not committed to equal and respectful co-parenting—they are instead looking to exercise unquestioned “authority” over everyone in the household, other adults included.

Your kids are old enough to notice the way your spouse acts toward you. Ideally, they should be able to respect and trust both their parents, and your spouse could really be making that harder for them. They might follow your spouse’s example and withhold respect for your thinking and opinions. They might decide that your spouse is actually the problem due to their treatment of you, and hold less respect for them. They might feel caught in the middle—or, worse, worry that they are the source of your conflict, even though it’s obviously not their fault. I think you are justified in your concern over how your kids will see you both, as individuals and as co-parents. It’s worth considering exactly what patterns and lessons they may be picking up on as a result of your spouse’s unwillingness to engage respectfully with you on this issue,and perhaps other issues, as well.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 13-year-old daughter, Kierra, is passionate about soccer. She plays on a team with kids a year older than her. Unfortunately, Kierra is much less interested in her school work, and her grades are slipping. The school won’t let her play if her average drops below 75. She is failing math and is constantly lying to her mother and me about why she is failing and whether or not she has homework. We recently met with the teacher and principal and caught her in a complex web of lies. She has ADHD and sees an executive functioning coach, but we are at a loss for what to do about all the lying. We are currently not allowing her to play any soccer until she completes her missing assignments. She seems too old for us to micromanage her school work. What should we do?

—Worried

Dear Worried,

Thirteen is too old for Kierra to want you to help her manage her schoolwork. But it is not too old for you to be involved. Clearly, she needs different or more effective support to make progress and stay on top of her school work. Naturally, you want to help her learn to manage her own workload and increase her overall independence—and that’s what you’re going to do! But there is nothing magical about the age of 13 that means she should already have it down, especially when she has ADHD and executive functioning issues making it more challenging for her.

Right now, try to focus on figuring out exactly what is overwhelming Kierra and helping to address any barriers to understanding, organization, or work completion. Maybe one problem is that she doesn’t actually understand the math content, and she needs additional help at school, at home, and/or from a tutor (I say, as someone who’s not the best at helping my kids with math). Maybe her executive functioning coach hasn’t yet found an effective way to help her, and you need to work with them to find a different approach—or find a different professional to support Kierra. Maybe ADHD medication could help her. Maybe a 504 plan and/or other formalized support at school could help—she could get specific help with organization or assignment tracking, have more frequent progress checks, be granted extended time for assignments, etc., and all these supports could be codified in the document. (If you’re unsure what could be of help at school, you might want to consider working with an educational consultant.)

I know you don’t like all the lying she’s been doing; no parent would. But if you think about it, she is already facing the consequences: She was caught lying in that mortifying meeting. She knows that she has broken everyone’s trust and might be kept from playing soccer, something she really loves. When kids, especially teens, engage in behavior we can’t approve of, it’s normal to be pissed—but it’s not lax parenting to ask ourselves why they did so. In this case, Kierra was lying in an effort to escape that overwhelming pile of schoolwork, and so the most important consequence is that she has to at least try to do her work. And then keep doing it.

Whatever additional help Kierra gets, you’d still need to do your part at home, of course. Check online (if her teachers use such a platform) and/or check her homework planner (if she can be encouraged and supported in maintaining one) to see what’s been assigned, what’s been completed, and what may be missing. You can check more often at first—daily or, at minimum, weekly. Pay particularly close attention a couple of weeks before the end of the grading period, when she’ll be running out of time to turn in work. Help her manage her time more effectively—it’s not punishment, for example, to have a “no phone time until homework is done” policy. She wants to go hang out with friends after soccer practice the next day? Ok, but is she all caught up in her classes? Remember that if she gets to a better place and improves at completing her work, you can always fade the level of support you’re providing. It’s ok if she still needs your help, or help from others, to learn how to manage everything independently.

—Nicole

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