This woman is too much.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
This one has a complicated background, so bear with me. For some strange reason, my brother has gotten back with his first ex-wife, “Emily.” Emily has a daughter, “Sara,” and together they had “Paul.” They got divorced when the kids were in middle school; they are now in college. Back then, my brother immediately married “Mary,” who had a son, “Sam.” Sam grew up calling our parents “Nana” and “Poppop.” Mary and my brother divorced three years ago. Mary and Sam attended our parents’ funerals last year, though they’d had little contact with us since the split.
We’ve finally settled the estate. I was in charge of it all. My brother could have been more helpful. Our parents turned out to have some valuable items that came to me. They went off to auction and sold for around 30k. I sent Sara, Paul, and Sam a check for 10k each and signed it from my parents.
For some bizarre reason, Emily took offense that I included Sam and not her second son, who met my parents a grand three times before they died. She called me because Sara and Paul had told her about the checks. I told her that I sent the money to the grandkids. She tried to act offended that her second son wasn’t considered among the ranks. Emily has been like this for as long as I have known her. Everything offends her, and she is like a dog with a bone when she has a complaint. I basically told Emily to go kick rocks. Her parents and the paternal grandparents are still alive, so she can go bother them for money. She has sent me several nasty emails.
My brother is very pissed at me right now. Sara has requested I send her copies of the emails to take to her therapist. I have never married or had kids. The passing of my parents has left me very depressed. I love my brother and want to continue a relationship, but Emily has always been too much. How do I handle this?
—Cut a Check
Dear Cut a Check,
Try to be as normal as possible with your brother and limit contact with Emily until she’s gotten over what she feels is a slight (you didn’t mention when Emily had a second son, so I’m assuming it was while she was divorced from your brother). You didn’t do anything unfair; this child had no relationship to your parents and is not entitled to an inheritance from their estate. Let your brother know that you didn’t want to slight his stepchild, but that you were simply dispersing the funds among those who your parents considered to be their grandchildren. There’s really not much else for you to do. Your brother and his wife are just going to have to move past this. It sounds like she may be the type to hold a grudge; hopefully your brother will be a bit more reasonable.
Please keep questions short (150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am leaving my relationship of seven years to save my self-worth and self-respect—but getting out is complicated. I loved “Mike” and his kids “Ashley” and “Anna.” Ashley is Mike’s biological daughter, and Anna is the stepdaughter his ex-abandoned. Anna’s grandma technically has custody, but Anna lived with Mike fully, and no child support was ever paid. Their mother is a legitimate psychopath. She has four other children by four different men that she has abandoned. She walked out when Ashley was only 6 months old and showed back up when she was 4. Mike refused to get the law involved. He claimed he couldn’t afford a lawyer and the state would take Anna away from him.
I pointed out that he raised Anna since she was a toddler and he could get the benefits the grandmother was pocketing, to no avail. He would let his ex roll in whenever she wanted and disrupt our lives. She excited the girls with promises she would never keep and left us to pick up the broken pieces. Ashley would have bed-wetting issues every time her mother was around. She had been toilet trained since she was 3. Anna would start acting out at school. It happened every single time.
We have done counseling off and on for years. Mike still lets his ex get away with anything. His excuse is that she is their mother. Get this: He let her take the girls for back-to-school shopping, and she didn’t bring them back for three days. The girls missed the first day of school. His ex took the girls’ phones away and refused to answer hers. Mike refused to call the cops. When I did, he defended his ex. We fought badly about it. The girls were returned safely, and Mike acted like nothing had happened.
I am just done. I can’t live like this anymore—but I love the girls. I have been the one cooking and kissing their boo-boos and staying up with them when they were sick. How do I leave? What do I say to them?
—Heart Broken
Dear Heart Broken,
Is there any chance that you could give Mike an ultimatum, and let him know that if he doesn’t learn to hold his ex accountable, you won’t be around anymore? If so, maybe the threat of you leaving may be reason enough to tighten up with her. If you’re past the point of talking, then do your best to gently let him know that you’ve had enough. You don’t want things to end on a contentious note with him, because you don’t want him to prevent you from saying goodbye. As you’re breaking things off, acknowledge that this will be a tremendous adjustment for the girls and that you don’t wish to cause them any unnecessary pain. Ask him if you could have some time to talk to them on your own and to let them know you’re not going to be seeing their father anymore. Let them know that there isn’t anything that they did wrong and that they will always have a special place in your heart. There’s nothing you can do to prevent this from hurting them terribly. That’s not to guilt you into staying but just to warn you that this will likely be a devastating life event for them. The best you can do is try to minimize the trauma by having a conversation with them and formally saying goodbye.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 12-year-old daughter broke down in tears this weekend. She said she hated her body, she hated being short, she hated how pale she was, she hated having brown hair—literally any trait you could think of to describe someone’s appearance, she hated. Most of these didn’t have reasons. All of the characteristics she mentioned are fairly mundane and commonplace. I know that self-image issues are pretty common in middle school, especially for girls. I never really had this growing up. I’m not sure how to handle this with my daughter; I don’t know why she feels this way (she assured me no one at school was making her feel bad, she doesn’t use social media), and I’m not sure how to make her feel better. I know it’s a cliché, but I think she’s perfect. Also, middle school is too young to be that worried about her appearance.
—Confused Dad
Dear Confused,
I have to correct you: Middle school is not young to be worried about appearance. That is exactly when kids start obsessing over how they look, especially girls. Just because she’s not exposed to social media doesn’t mean she isn’t internalizing messages about what is or isn’t coded as attractive; she’s getting that information from peers, TV shows and yes, even books written for kids her age. Celebrate Your Body is a great guide to puberty that both you and your daughter should read soon. Affirm your daughter’s looks on a regular basis; constantly let her know that she’s beautiful. Find images of girls and women who look like her in media and celebrate them; if you can, hang artwork with some of those images around your home, along with pictures of her. Continue checking in to make sure no one’s giving her a hard time about her looks. Her behavior is very appropriate for someone her age, but if you find that her anxiety spirals into an obsession or that she is displaying an unhealthy fixation (i.e. if she’s unable to go out because she doesn’t like how she looks, or starts complaining about her looks every day), then you may want to consider getting her some professional help.
—Jamilah
Never miss new Advice columns
The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.
Discover more from CaveNews Times
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.