This “ideas” of hers for viral videos are starting to worry me.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I (25F) am a proud auntie to a 7-year-old niece and a 5-year-old nephew. My sister is a single mom, and I am her primary childcare/help while she’s at work since I work from home. I don’t mind at all, I love my niece and nephew! During the pandemic, my sister got really into social media, especially TikTok and YouTube. She subsequently discovered family channels, and was motivated to start her own channel, as well as individual Instagram pages for both her kids. I am going to admit that I didn’t agree with this at the start. My sister was posting naked baby pictures, videos of her kids crying for clickbait, and shoving the camera in front of their faces for every little thing. However, I live my life by the “Don’t say anything if it’s not hurting anyone” philosophy, and her fixation didn’t seem to be hurting her kids. Now, I think that might have changed.
Sis’s channels didn’t take off, so she’s resorted to more extreme tactics and videos to get views. The second she gets off work, she’s armed with a camera and a host of new ideas for videos. She has begun doing things like giving her kids a new toy and then taking it away so that she can record their reactions and recording “punishments” that she gives her kids for the smallest things. The list goes on and on. I’ve noticed a dramatic decline in the mental wellbeing of her kids. They’re now extremely anxious, quick to break down emotionally, and resentful of their mother. My niece has been especially affected; she hides from Sis when she comes home from work, and has been rejecting the camera every time it’s pulled out. My sister’s video ideas keep getting more extreme, and I feel like I should say something to her. However, I’m really worried about the effect it might have on our arrangement. My sister could easily become defensive and cut off my access to the kids, which would remove a stable adult in their life. They do online school, so they don’t exactly have access to regular teachers or friends. I just want to do the right thing for them, but I’m not sure how to go about it. Help!
—Scared in Tennessee
Dear Scared,
You absolutely must say something to your sister. She needs to hear how her attempts at social media fame are harming her children. Be gentle and understanding in your approach. Explain that you know how much her online goals mean to her and that you support them, but that her methods have taken a turn for the worse. Describe in detail the change in her children’s behavior, particularly how your niece now hides from the camera. Pull together some examples of successful family social media content that shows children being treated well and enjoying their participation in their videos. Offer to brainstorm ideas with her that will be fun for her kids without making them feel insecure or frightened. Share with her this article that discusses how children of social media influencers were negatively impacted by their parents’ documentation of their lives. If she is not receptive to this plea from you, organize other family members to participate in an intervention—some of these “ideas” sound potentially abusive, and you can’t stand by while this situation escalates any further.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My long-term partner’s parents hate all of their kids’ partners, and I can’t handle the bullying anymore. Everything from ignoring allergies, to minimizing the relationships, to holding multiple interventions with their kids about their partners, to commenting on weight, to rude comments on everything, to raising hell about the holidays. There is no compromising because anything that is not 100 percent their vision leads to a passive aggressive shit storm. They are now planning entire vacations where partners are not welcome, and if one us goes on the trip and pays their own way, it ends in tears. The issue is family-wide with uncles, aunts, grandparents being just cruel to the people who enter the family. My partner does the best he can, but it’s truly an impossible situation and we don’t know what to do. What do you do when you are with a great person but their family is so terrible?
—Between a Rock and Potential Heartbreak
Dear Between a Rock,
My advice to you is to enjoy your relationship with your partner and to avoid contact with their family. Celebrate holidays as a couple, with your partner and their siblings, or with your own relatives. Let your partner go on trips with their family without feeling like you need to be there. Only see these people on occasions when it seems absolutely necessary, such as supporting your partner at a funeral. You don’t have to have a significant relationship with your partner’s family. You’ve done all that you can do to have peace with them, and the fact that they have this hostile attitude towards your partner’s siblings’ partners confirms that the problem isn’t you and that there’s nothing you can do to make these folks act differently. If you decide to get married, elope. If you choose to have kids, allow your partner to facilitate visits with their family. Keep these people away from you to the best of your ability. One thing to consider, assuming you aren’t legally married, is what happens if your partner becomes incapacitated somehow and one of their relatives would be their next of kin and, thus, in charge of making decisions about their care. You may want to talk to your partner about making arrangements to ensure that doesn’t happen.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a first-time mom to a beautiful 8-month-old baby girl. We have so many people who love and support our new little family, and it’s wonderful. The issue is we have a lot of well-meaning friends and family giving us their children’s hand me downs, some of which are not even close to the right size, very, very used and gross or just not what we need (right size but it’s Winter so we can’t use shorts).
While I am grateful for the items we can use, I have boxes of stuff that I need to either pass along to someone else or take to be donated. I am working on decluttering as it is, and it just seems like a constant avalanche of used clothes I need to sort through and then go do another errand to donate. Is there a polite way to say “enough already?!” I love our family and friends for thinking of us, and don’t want to offend anyone who is trying to help us as we navigate this new phase. Is this a grin and bear it situation or is there a kind way of saying thanks but no thanks?
—Hand Me Don’ts
Dear Hand Me Dont’s,
The next time someone offers to give you used goods, ask them to describe in detail what it is they want to give you, and let them know what you can and cannot use (“Those onesies would be helpful, but we wouldn’t be able to use the other items right now.”) If you don’t want any more hand-me-downs at all, simply say “Thank you so much for the offer, but we have everything we need at the moment. People have been so generous to us, I actually have a lot of items that I can’t use already and I’ve run out of space to store them.” If people just bring used goods to your house without asking first, you don’t have to accept them. Thank them for their kindness and explain that you’ve got all that you need and that they should give these things to someone who can use them. You can also look up nearby shelters or Goodwill locations and suggest that they take them there instead. Some people may be offended (oh well!), but most reasonable folks would rather their hand-me-downs go to someone who needs them.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My son “Harris” is one giant problem. One year ago, he got kicked out a private school for beating up another child. He’s been going to the public high school now and hasn’t gotten into any more fights, but his grades are terrible and he has a terrible attitude. He has been a brat ever since his mother died. I don’t know what to do. His best friend (let’s call him “Pedro”) is quite the opposite. Pedro is a straight-A student, but none of this seems to rub off on my son. Harris has no care for education and even tried to use my money (as I have significant wealth) to pay off his teachers. I tried to have Pedro tutor him, but it didn’t work. Recently, I discovered he started doing illegal drugs including LSD! I’m considering just shipping him off to some European boarding school. I just wish he could be more like Pedro.
—A Worried and Disappointed Father
Dear Worried,
First of all, your son is not “one giant problem,” he is troubled and he needs intervention. I’m wondering if you ever got him any help when his mother died, such as a therapist or a grief support group. You should work on getting him some assistance now, before it’s too late. You have the means, so there’s no excuse. Get him into therapy and look into local resources for teen drug users. Consider finding a school that can better support him. Instead of telling him that you’re disappointed or frustrated with him, be empathetic. Say that you know that he’s hurting from the loss of his mother and that you wish you had done more to help him cope with that sooner, but that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to help him. Boarding school may be a viable option if you’re unable to reach him otherwise, but I suggest that you do everything in your power to support him before making such a drastic decision.
—Jamilah
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