My Spouse Has Proposed That We Spend the Holidays Apart. Seriously… What?

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

I’ve always loved the holidays and my spouse has always disliked them—a feeling that, over the years, has progressed from mild seasonal stress to full-blown panic attacks and an all-round wretched mood as Christmas approaches. (There are some exacerbating factors, like the fact that their current job has grueling year-end deadlines and the fact that our families now live flying- rather than driving-distance away and my spouse has an air travel phobia.)

After several absolutely miserable holiday seasons, Spouse suggested this year that I just take the kids to celebrate with family on my own, while they hole up and sleep through the last week of December at home. In a lot of ways, this makes sense: Kids and I get to be in a festive, warm atmosphere instead of walking on eggshells at home, and Spouse doesn’t have to pretend to enjoy something they hate. But I’ll admit, I’m struggling with the idea that our whole nuclear family won’t be together, that our kids won’t have holiday memories of their other parent, and that my spouse will be totally alone. (Based on previous experience, I suspect that even while they’re suggesting this, after three or four days of empty house they’re going to feel abandoned.) Is there a positive way to reframe these split holidays in my head?

—Grinchy

Dear Grinchy, 

All of your concerns are valid, but so are your spouse’s grouses. Here’s a sideways idea: I can’t help but wonder whether your extended family would come to you, and whether that would make it better or worse for your partner.

But this is how I would reframe it: It’s a pilot test! You acknowledge that your spouse’s plan has merit and might work, but it also might depress the heck out of one or both of you! Give yourselves permission to try it for a year and see what happens. If anyone hated it, applaud yourselves for trying and go back to the drawing board for next year.

If it mostly worked, congratulations, and embrace it! Permit yourself to be OK with a holiday that might look different than your expectation for what it “should” look like. (It might help to think of all the folks in the world who don’t have everyone in their family unit together on Christmas: military members, first responders, ER doctors, zookeepers, airline employees, and more!) And find suitable compromises that still give you a Hallmark Christmas movie moment, but in your partner’s comfort zone—pictures with Santa in late November before their busy season, Zoo lights in early January, or holiday movies at home rather than a dress-up outing. You get the idea.

You can do anything once, so see how this year goes, and then be open about how to move forward in a way that works for all. Good luck!

Dear Care and Feeding, 

I’m a mom of two teen daughters; one, Natalie, is trans. It has been difficult to navigate emotions after the election. My mother supports Trump and there has been no peace between her and Natalie. The election was a catalyst, but there has been trouble brewing for decades, and it’s not about politics. It’s about communication.

The recent arguments between Natalie and my mom have brought to the surface a deep disappointment that my father and I have had: My mother will not discuss her political views at all. When asked—with gentle and genuine curiosity—where she’s coming from, the questioner gets a frosty response.

On the one hand, I understand that politics shouldn’t divide families. But she actively feels we hate her (not true) and want to “blow up” the family (not true). She listens to radio and TV loudly, so opinions and falsehoods that hurt my child are out in the open. Natalie is mature and can handle being around the media, but she’s confused about how she fits in with her grandmother’s worldview. (My mother has been kind and supportive of Natalie’s transition.)
Natalie has backed off, and Dad and I stopped asking questions again. I keep thinking to myself, “How can we meet each other when she won’t even turn around to see me?” If she didn’t create such a hostile environment, I could easily let this rest. Do you have any advice to have a productive conversation? She has agreed to attend a therapy session with me next week.

—Speechless, Again

Dear Speechless, 

I think two things are going on here: your mother’s political views (and whether or not she’s willing to discuss them) and her behavior around Natalie.

Let’s discuss the latter first, as this should be a relatively easy fix. I get the feeling you all live together, or at least spend a lot of time in each other’s homes, and that’s why you and your daughters are exposed to Grandma’s media. So, ask your mom to keep Fox News out of the common spaces or to put earbuds in. You can make a similar concession with MSNBC. This request doesn’t force her to defend her beliefs, or even try to “prove” herself to Natalie or anyone; it literally just helps maintain the peace. Fewer daily reminders of your mom’s politics playing in the background might actually help you, Natalie, and your dad focus less on your mom’s vote—which ultimately benefits her as much as you all.

Onto that bigger question, though, of reconciling your mom’s vote when she won’t discuss it. The short answer is: You can’t. There are a lot of articles, essays, and podcasts out there about why Trump won (you can find a few of Slate’s here and here). A lot of post-mortem coverage seems to agree that inflation and immigration were the significant concerns in this election, whereas trans issues were not (despite some of the Trump campaign’s more disgusting rhetoric around the LGBTQ community). In other words, there are folks out there who love gay and trans people, but who can’t afford their rent, and that was a tradeoff they felt they needed to make in their vote.

I assume this is the kind of insight you’re craving from your mom. But ask yourself: Would anything your mom could say to explain her vote make you feel any differently about it? If she offered her reasons, would you accept them, or would you debate her, trying to prove her wrong and ill-informed? If your mom is in the minority viewpoint in the household, it’s no wonder she doesn’t want to discuss her vote with you; she can’t help but lose ground. At least by staying silent, she conserves her energy and doesn’t risk being made a fool.

You said that you could get over her vote if she’d be less hostile about it all. I think you and your mom should spend your upcoming therapy appointment(s) talking about what it will look like to live in a “blended household” over the next four years—and beyond. What do you each want and need from the other, and what ground rules for mutual respect can you agree to, since you aren’t going to agree on the issues? These are things within you and your mom’s control, and they’re small but important steps in repairing the rift.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding, 

We take care of our four grandchildren, ages 11, 8, 6, and 3. Our concern is how to get the barely 3-year-old to follow directions, such as coming when we call (and more specifically at diaper change time). She is a total delight otherwise but is resistive in this area. I usually bribe her with a small treat and my husband threatens with a smack. My ears cringe when he says that to her. My husband can carry her but I have thinning bones and can’t lift her. I’m pretty sure that neither of our efforts will work long-term. Please help!

—Grandma Who Wants to Do Better

Dear Grandma, 

First of all, science and psychology are on your side when it comes to cringing at your husband’s tactics. The National Institutes of Health has a great summary of the effects and effectiveness of corporeal punishment in children: Basically, it’s no more effective than time-outs, makes it more likely that kids will grow up to hit others, and doesn’t help them gain intrinsic motivation to do the things you’re asking. I’d also be very nervous, if I were you, about how the grandkids’ parents would feel about these threats. This could blow up very quickly if they found out about it, even if your husband never lays a hand on the kids.

Frequent readers are probably tired of hearing me recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic as a great discipline system for young kids. But I keep recommending it because it worked (and still works) wonders for my youngest—and my own mom kidding-not-kiddingly refers to it as the book that saved my sister’s life! But perhaps the best advice I can give you is to follow the system that the parents have set up. For toddlers, consistency is everything, so if the parents have a system that works, be humble and ask them to teach you. Your grandchild is way more likely to comply with you when you use a “language” they already speak.

Other tips to try: Get the 11-year-old to carry their little sister when you can’t. If there is a sibling that the 3-year-old adores, have them be your helper, even if all they do is stand there and allure the toddler with their presence. Or make the diaper changes a game somehow; have them “race” to the changing table, or make up a silly song with nonsense words that you only sing during changing. As they say, you kill more flies with honey, and laughing, games, and winning are pure bliss to little kids.

—Allison

More Advice From Slate

My adult (21 and 23) stepsons are in many ways very similar (funny, thoughtful, helpful, etc.). For nearly their entire lives, though, most of the influential adults around them have practically fallen over themselves to make things “easy” for 23, doing everything in their power to ensure that he is not stressed or inconvenienced in any way. He is smart enough to have realized this along the way and has developed a habit of either dragging his feet until someone makes a decision for him or simply deciding that it is someone else’s job to “remind him.”