My Wife Has Never Seen Me Fully Naked. I’m Ashamed of the Reason Why.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I am of average size, maybe a little above average on a good (high arousal) day. But my issue is terrible self-consciousness. My size ranges depending on the context, of course, and in everyday living, it contracts (a lot)—and I feel deeply mortified. For years, with my wife, the hydraulics kicked in so fast that I’d “spring up” in a hurry. All good. Now, with things slower, I’m embarrassed to have my “shortcomings” exposed. That is not an issue for my wife, who’s said, interestingly, that a penis qua penis is not an erotic draw for her (an erection is different because of all that implies).

Still, apart from physical intimacy, I have never been fully nude before her. She’s never even seen me naked when I head to the shower (I always wear a towel or boxers), because of “shrinkage,” to recall the famous Seinfeld episode. I can’t escape an embarrassment that borders on something stronger (revulsion? shame?) even though size isn’t a concern for her. I’d appreciate any pointers to self-acceptance in this area. I’ve always been impressed by how easy and natural my partners have been about their nudity, and I wish I could learn from their examples. It seems healthy to be able to head to the bathroom au naturel (when my wife is nearby)! Thank you for this column and for all your helpful comments over the years.

—Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I wish you would have come away from that Seinfeld episode knowing that the reason it was so funny is because it’s true. Dicks vary in size and they can be mighty uncooperative. That episode was instantly iconic because it was relatable. You’re not alone. Multiple studies have found significant percentages of men being unsatisfied with their penis size. In terms of thinking through this, something that might be helpful to keep in mind is that because the same dick can expand and contract given the circumstances, soft-dick size doesn’t really count. Yeah, a hung soft dick is nice to look at, but anyone who knows dick knows that a soft dick can grow to, at times, surprising proportions. It’s hard to get a handle on something that exists in flux.

My first bit of advice is to push through, if you can, and make that naked trip to the bathroom. It might be scary, it might make you want to throw up, but just going through with and coming out OK could send you on a path to increased comfort. I’ve noticed that I’m less uptight about changing in locker rooms simply because I’ve done it so much. I think this is true for a lot of people as they age. This kind of stuff can seem like a really big deal until you just let it go. Shitting in public rest rooms can be mortifying until you actually do it and see that it’s not so bad (or at least, much better than the alternative of holding it so long that you don’t make it to a toilet at all). There’s something of a soft-cock positivity movement that you may want to dip your toe in to see how other people regard this aspect of anatomy in a positive light (check out @softcockweek on Instagram, which contains info about an adjacent podcast).

I am curious about the source of your revulsion and shame. Does it stem only from your feelings about your penis or nudity in general? Do you have any idea why you feel that way? Do you like your penis? If not for aesthetics, can you at least appreciate that it can provide pleasure not just to you, but your partner? If you can’t quite get there, maybe try self-affirmation. Make yourself think (or say) nice—or at least, forgiving—things about your penis. If that’s still a challenge, consider therapy. Your dick has served you well, right? Try to take as much pride in it as it has in you.

Dear How to Do It,

My husband is younger than me. I am 66 and he is 57. We have not had sex for the past 6 years. He has erectile dysfunction and has completely cut me off. Trying to discuss this topic is almost impossible because he gets defensive. I have asked him if he could talk with his doctor and he says the meds that help with ED have too many negative side effects—then he ends the conversation. How do I get him interested in sex again? We had a great sex life before this.

—Sexless and in My 60s

Dear Sexless and in My 60s,

You can’t force feed your man PDE5 inhibitors, but you could counter his claims with truths. The known side effects of ED drugs are certainly not experienced by everyone who takes them. Many of the common side effects—mild headache, back pain, flushing, dizziness—are worth withstanding. As the NIH notes: “The adverse outcomes encountered with PDE5 inhibitors rarely lead to their discontinuation.” These drugs would not likely be as popular as they are (a reported $3.2 billion in global revenue in 2022) if the drawbacks outnumbered the benefits. There are other things your husband could try that don’t involve medicine like a cock ring and/or a penis pump, but the pills will give you the most bang (literally!) for your buck. If part of what’s holding him back is embarrassment over talking to his physician about the functioning of his penis, online pharmacies like Hims have based their business models on getting people boner meds with minimal doctor contact. (ED can also be the product of psychological issues, and in a perfect world, your husband would take the opportunity to reflect on his interior here and any issues with sex/his sex life he might be experiencing.)

We hear a lot from people in situations like yours, where the partner who needs to take initiative to help solve an issue is averse to doctors or medically skeptical. You can bring this up regularly—don’t harass him, but it’s completely fair to talk to your partner about your frustration over your lack of sex. You might try initiating these conversations by expressing admiration or praising the sex you have had with him. Casting things in a positive light can have a disarming effect. If that fails, couples counseling or a sex coach could help make these conversations less of a challenge, again, if he’s amenable to any therapy. Talking would be what you’re literally there to do.

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Dear How to Do It,

Why is vacation sex just so much better? My girlfriend and I like to plan small weekend trips every few months and at least one longer vacation a year. And honestly the highlight for me almost every time is the sex. She is in the mood every single day on vacation (whereas at home we can go weeks without having sex). We’re more adventurous, we’ll do it anywhere, and she’s open to trying new positions and more. We have so much fun together. And then we get home and it immediately falls off. Don’t get me wrong I’m not ungrateful for the time we do get, but it leaves me wanting more because it shows me just how much chemistry we have and how much sex we could be having. I know the stress of daily life is a factor, but does it really account for such a drastic 180 difference? How can I capture some of that vacation energy into our normal lives?

—Wish I Could Afford a Plane Ticket Every Weekend

Dear Wish I Could Afford a Plane Ticket Every Weekend,

I’ve been referencing Emily Nagoski’s recent Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections in this column a lot lately, and now you’ve gone and made me do it again. Nagoski writes about this phenomenon a few times in the book, actually. In the section about mapping one’s emotional floorplan (to find lust-adjacent spaces like play or care, which may be easier to access than lust but are adjacent and thus could facilitate a transition to lust), she relays one woman’s realization that because vacation is a play space, it’s easier to engage in sex while there. If that’s true for you—and it might not be—then entering a play space (by literally playing a game or joking around or wrestling) might help you bring that vacation energy to your domestic life.

And yes, certainly the lack of stress on vacation can make all the difference. It can do a lot for your mental state to enter a context in which your daily burdens are of no concern, even if it’s just temporarily. I wonder if you could mimic the vacation experience by spending nights at local hotels. This would, of course, require disposable income, but wouldn’t be quite as expensive as full-on trips and might give that new-environment energy that may be beneficial.

Finally, make sure the issue isn’t with your actual home. Are there things there that could be blocking a sexy good time? I mean in terms of the actual layout or accommodations. Are your walls so thin you risk your neighbors hearing you? Is your bed particularly creaky? Are there piles of laundry everywhere, or chores that are begging to be done? You might have to go through systematically to find potential blocks in order to eliminate them.

Dear How To Do It,

After having anal sex with my boyfriend, I’m having to use the restroom a lot, to an uncomfortable degree. Any tips for mitigating this? Help! (I’m male, too, in case that matters.)

—Stuck in the Restroom

Dear Stuck in the Restroom,

It would have been nice if you specified what exactly is keeping you in the bathroom. Next time, be a grown-up and say “poop” or “pee pee.” Anyway, I have possible answers for both so as not to leave you in the can.

For help, I once again turned to Dr. Evan Goldstein, anal surgeon and the CEO of Bespoke Surgical, an anal healthcare and aesthetics clinic. He said that if you’re urinating frequently, it may have something to do with your prostate and bladder being hit by the dick that topped you. That can result in a swollen/irritated prostate (aka prostatitis). It can be extremely uncomfortable but it’s probably not a catastrophe. To treat, Goldstein recommended taking a week or two off from coming—yes, that includes masturbation, too. (Honestly, good luck!) Motrin or Advil may also help with the pain. If after two weeks you’re still experiencing frequent urination, a trip to a urologist is in order, as you may need antibiotics. Prevention might involve choosing positions that don’t stimulate the prostate as directly (this is going to depend on the size and especially shape of your partner’s penis) and making sure to come during or after bottoming (if you don’t, your prostate may not flush the fluid that fills it during sex/stimulation).

If you find yourself defecating a lot, it could be from over-douching. Remember to use a little bit of water at a time and avoid high-pressure dispensers like shower attachments. There’s also the possibility that you have an underlying GI issue that douching/sex are exacerbating, or an STD. It’s always a good idea to get examined by a doctor when you notice a change in your body, particularly one that is so inconvenient. Make the appointment if you don’t see improvement.

—Rich

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My girlfriend developed really bad tendonitis in both of her wrists very suddenly. It makes it difficult for her to do a lot of things she used to enjoy, including, well, me. My favorite parts about having sex have always been the hand stuff (I don’t really enjoy oral, and fingering has always been what does it for me). Now we’re hardly having sex at all. We both really miss having fun sex, and we’re not sure what our options are. Help!