My sister won’t do anything about the bitter bullying.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter and niece just turned 12 and are starting puberty. The problem is my niece is getting the rough stuff (more baby fat, acne, etc.) while my daughter is sailing through and starting to blossom physically. My niece has started bullying my daughter in response—calling her stupid and a slut, trying to get a mean girl posse going. We have already gone to the school and gotten our daughter out of any shared classes and cut back on extended family activities.
My sister hasn’t really gotten how serious this behavior is and makes excuse after excuse—and she has seen the social media and text messages! I am worried that this will lead to a permanent rift in our family. The girls used to be best friends. What more can we do?
—Aunt to a Bully
Dear Aunt to a Bully,
It’s frustrating that your sister isn’t taking steps to address her child’s behavior, but I think it’s still important to tell (and show) her what’s going on so she can’t claim she didn’t know. The school is also aware, so you’ll have documentation in case the bullying escalates there. For now, I’d try to focus on supporting your child however you can. How is she doing with all this? Is she able to tell you how she’s feeling? Would it help her at all to talk with a school counselor or therapist? Make sure she knows she can always talk to you, and that you want to know if something else happens. Bullying can be very damaging to kids, and in this case, your daughter is probably also feeling confused and betrayed by a cousin she was once close to.
I understand why you’re concerned about a potential rift in your family. And it’s worth telling your sister that you want to avoid one if you can, in part so she understands how serious this is—she should want to do her part to try to avoid estrangement, too! You’ve done your part: You’ve been honest with your family, let them know about the bullying, and said that it should stop. The ball is in their court. If your sister’s kid has some serious problem with yours, or if something has happened between them that you’re unaware of, your sister should also be trying to figure that out and communicate with you.
Whether they actually act to rein in their daughter or keep making excuses, your focus can remain on your child and her wellbeing. It’s not her job to pretend like everything’s fine at family gatherings or accept poor treatment in order to preserve the relationships at stake. You can’t control her cousin’s (or your sister’s) behavior, but you can try to limit the damage as much as possible, listen to your child, affirm whatever she’s feeling, and make sure she knows she has your support.
It’s really good that your child has been able to tell you some of what’s been going on. It’s also good that you can still empathize with your niece to an extent—you’re right to acknowledge that she’s 12 and going through some stuff. At her age, she is (probably) not a monster who’s incapable of changing course. But whether or not she ever does so is largely up to her and her parent(s)—you are family, but this just isn’t something you have a whole lot of control over. Even if this is a horrible temporary phase brought on by the start of puberty, it’s hard to see how the two cousins could regain any of their former closeness unless your niece apologizes and somehow shows your daughter that she can be trusted again. If that ever happens—if your daughter is even open to some reconciliation—it will likely still take time to rebuild trust and repair the real damage that has been done to their relationship.
Please keep questions short (150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex-boyfriend “Tom” and I split amicably nearly a decade ago. He spent money like water and I was left to pick up the slack, especially when it came to his kids. It was important to me to stay close with the kids despite Tom. My wonderful husband and I have something of a godparent role with the kids now. They are great, but we are both excited for them to get old enough where Tom is less involved.
We have taken his teens on a yearly trip to New York City each December. We love it, the kids love it, but it’s expensive. This year I had a devastating and expensive miscarriage that required out-of-state healthcare. My husband blamed himself and developed depression. He had to take unpaid leave to get care and insurance only covered half of his partial hospitalization program. We’re doing much better now, but we have very little fun money.
The kids are already talking about December. They’re 13, 15, and 17, so they can handle some honesty. Without disclosing very private information, I need to tell Tom that either he needs to pay for the kids, or maybe we do something smaller like a local day trip. I worry that Tom will promise to pay and then renege. My husband says he’ll back up whatever I choose, but I have no idea how to start. I feel too raw to share my miscarriage, and my husband’s mental health is private, but I don’t know how to explain that we just can’t be generous this year. We still want to see the kids! We just need to keep it very low-key. What are some scripts I can use to say this?
—Toning It Down in Texas
Dear Toning It Down,
Just because teens can handle some honesty doesn’t mean you have to explain to them or to Tom, at length, why there’s no New York trip this year. Your reasons are private and they can stay that way. I think you actually have most of the necessary script already: “We’re really looking forward to seeing you! We need to keep it low-key this year, so no New York. Here are a few ideas we had about what we could do instead.”
Given that it is horribly impolite to interrogate someone about why they aren’t spending more money on one’s children, Tom shouldn’t have many follow-up questions. (Pretty much the only acceptable question is one that expresses general concern, like “Are you guys ok?”, in which case you can thank him for the concern and move on.) But even if he presses you for details, you don’t have to offer any. You can say that it’s personal, or that you aren’t talking more about it, and leave it at that.
If I were you, I wouldn’t bother telling Tom he needs to pay for New York or it can’t happen. He can take the kids to New York himself if he really wants to do that, and you’re right to worry that he might promise to cover your trip and then end up disappointing them. When you talk to him, just focus on the fact that you and your husband still want to visit and spend time with the kids, and you need to do something different this year. Offer to do something you can cover without major stress—like the smaller day trip you mentioned—and maybe you can also ask the kids themselves if there’s anything they’d like to see or do with you closer to home.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I were both average sleepers as kids. Our siblings were too, except for my sister, “Chrissy.” Chrissy often slept for only five hours or so as a toddler, sometimes less as she got older. It was the 1990s, so my parents opted to let her play quietly in her room if she woke, but they never had her tested for anything. At 30, Chrissy has strict bedtime routines but still experiences serious insomnia that sometimes causes issues in her daily life. She gave up driving because she was scared that she might not be safe on the road. She got an adult autism diagnosis, which helped her understand herself better. Her doctors say her autism and insomnia are related, but can’t figure out how to help her sleep. She’s wonderful, but I see how badly insomnia affects her.
Our older son is an average sleeper; not easy, but still in the normal range. Our younger son “Peter” is 20 months old, and it was hard when he was a baby, but it’s worse now. He’s right in the five-hour range on a good night, and regularly exhibits behaviors related to being overtired. Our pediatrician doesn’t have any suggestions outside the “repetition, routines, darkness, minimal stimuli” recommendations every toddler parent hears. When I brought up the family history and autism, she told me it was far too early and acted like I was trying to stigmatize our kid somehow. I just want to understand what’s wrong so we can help him. I’m wondering if he should see a developmental pediatrician, but for insurance reasons we’d need his regular pediatrician to recommend it, and she’s not for it. What can we do?
—Tired Toddler, Tired Parents
Dear Tired,
I don’t think your pediatrician should fault you for asking a question or looking for more answers. Your child is around the age when many kids are first screened for autism if their parent(s) or their pediatrician has concerns.
That said, an autism diagnosis is based on various observable social, behavioral, and developmental criteria, and you haven’t mentioned your son experiencing anything in addition to his sleep challenges. I don’t say this to minimize those; I’m sure they are worrying, and everything is harder when you’re all exhausted! There could very well be a medical or developmental reason for your son’s insomnia that would be good to know about. But your kid won’t be diagnosed with autism due to being a poor sleeper; other behaviors would need to be present.
If you and your husband have noticed anything else you’re concerned about, definitely bring them up with your pediatrician. Your child’s doctor should be able to listen to you and discuss your child’s health and development without making you feel silly for asking questions. Probably she was just trying to reassure you—but if you ever feel like she’s dismissing your legit concerns, you can have a frank talk with her about that (or look for a new pediatrician, if you want).
Whatever is going on, it sounds like you’re sure the sleep situation is untenable for your child and your family. Maybe you could ask for a referral for a sleep study, or a developmental pediatrician or other specialist who could assess whether your child is dealing with a sleep disorder. If you really think your son needs more help dealing with this problem, even in the absence of other troubling symptoms or behaviors, it’s fine to keep looking for answers and more support.
—Nicole
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Our 5-year-old has had a very strong preference for me, her mother, since forever. I have been primary caretaker her whole life, and when I am working (I’m a freelancer) she is great with Dad taking over the primary duties. My husband is an incredible father—endlessly patient, playful, emotionally present, and supportive. He is crushing it. And yet she REALLY prefers me.
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