My nosey mother will stop at nothing to get the gossip.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I’m in the process of divorcing my husband, after less than a month of marriage. We dated happily for five years previously, but our situation is truly what “irreconcilable differences” are made for. He’s against the divorce, but I just want out. I’ve moved in with a friend. I’m trying to get a place for myself, but I wasn’t financially prepared for this and it’s tough. I know that my parents and family would love to give me a place to stay, help with attorney fees, and take care of me, but it comes with strings. My mom is the most gossipy person you can imagine. My cousin had an out-of-state abortion: She was getting calls from opinionated aunts within six hours. My brother’s embarrassing dick surgery, an aunt’s firing: It’s all fair game. My dad got into a fender-bender: He was getting lectures from the entire extended family for weeks.
She cannot keep a secret, and the more private and personal the news, the faster it spreads. Half the time I can’t even tell how she got the information. I’m keeping my reasons for divorce private, because they make me look like an idiot for marrying him and him a much worse guy than he actually is. I haven’t told anyone but my attorney. And my mom is dying to know. I get constant texts and calls where she says she’s just checking in. She’s even sent our family to push me for information. My brother confided that she’s asked him to find out, and he made me promise not to tell him so he could avoid her. I’m exhausted and so over this, but my divorce could go on for months. How do I get through this? I’ve been ignoring her, ending calls when the topic comes up. But I have other things to worry about and I just want her to go away.
—Soon to Be Divorced
Dear Divorced,
I agree—you have other things to worry about. And divorce is tough enough without stressing over your mother’s thirst for gossip. The next time the topic comes up, you can tell her, “I know you’re dying for details, but reasons for the divorce are personal and I’m not going to discuss them. Just know that it was the right choice for both of us.” And—this is the tough part—then accept that she is going to be spending a lot of time on the phone speculating with various relatives, because that’s how she is, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
The alternative, which might ultimately be even less stressful, would be to decide not to be ashamed of whatever the reason for the split was, tell the truth, and let people think whatever they want to think. If you’re already at “I want her to go away” status with your mom, do you really care if she thinks you’re an idiot? I can definitely see a world in which she gets a few bullet points of the information she craves, your family gets a group chat on the same thread where they discussed your aunt’s firing and your brother’s embarrassing surgery, and you get the financial support you need along with the freedom that comes with not caring what people might be saying about you. Having some compassion for yourself and the mistakes you made will make an enormous difference. I guarantee that whatever decisions got you here, you’re not the first person to make them, and they’re not that much worse than the decisions other people (including your family members) make all the time. If you can convince yourself of this, their gossip habit won’t have nearly as much power over you.
I (F37) have been dating a man (M40) for about a year. For the first time ever, I can say I’m truly in love with somebody who is truly in love with me. He is everything I have dreamed of in a relationship and never thought I’d find. But there is one thing I cannot accept: He is best friends with his ex-wife.
They have known each other for over 20 years. They don’t have kids together, but share a business. He’s also best friends with her husband. If they only saw each other in the context of the business, I wouldn’t feel so jealous, but knowing that they spend so much time socially after having been married for a decade (they’ve been divorced for almost as long) makes me absolutely insane with jealousy.
What makes it worse is that she and her husband are incredibly nice and welcoming to me! She has continually reached out to me to form a friendship. She is beautiful and funny and talented and very easy to spend time with, but the entire time we’re together, I can’t stop fixating on the fact that this woman spent 10 years having sex with the love of my life. Actually, the fact that she’s so kind to me and interested in getting to know me makes me feel even more jealous.
The whole thing feels so weird. This level of closeness can’t be normal. I know they aren’t cheating. Their vibe is entirely platonic. If I did have those suspicions, it would be easier, because I could just demand that they stop seeing each other. But I can’t do that. I have confided in friends, but most of them at this point tell me that a man being not just amicable with but close to an ex is a green flag about how he is relaxed and comfortable, and not a jealous person. But no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get over my choking envy and discomfort.
Have we been together long enough that I could ask for him to reduce their interactions to just the business? We’ve started talking about marriage. If he asked me to get married now, I’d have to tell him that I can’t do it as long as his ex-wife is socially in his life. How do I say that without making him feel like I’m giving him an ultimatum?
—Not Into Triangles
Dear Triangles,
You can tell your boyfriend what it would take for you to be comfortable marrying him, but there’s no good answer to “How do I say that without making him feel like I’m giving him an ultimatum?” Because that’s exactly what you would be saying, regardless of how you phrased it. I don’t think that conversation would leave either of you feeling great. I also don’t think you’d be satisfied, even if he agreed to cut off social contact with his best friend. The work relationship would still trigger your jealousy, so I really don’t recommend it.
I get a lot of letters from people whose partners have a relationship with an ex that seems sketchy, or that is shrouded in secrecy, or that suggests they still prioritize the ex’s feelings and struggle to create boundaries around their behavior. But none of that weird or suspicious stuff is happening here. You’re sure these two aren’t romantically involved, you give no indication that their friendship is taking away from your relationship (which you say is amazing), she’s very nice, and even your friends think it’s legit (and their vote matters!). I’d hate to see you lose a great guy over this, so if I could give you a magic pill that would eliminate your jealousy and make you feel at peace with the situation, I definitely would. Unfortunately, that pill doesn’t exist, and it doesn’t matter what I think or what anyone else thinks—“insanely jealous” is a horrible, miserable way to feel, and being in that state of mind will make it impossible to enjoy all the good things about your relationship.
The only thing I can think of that might help here would be to reflect on what your biggest fear is. Is it that they’ll fall back in love? That he’ll always compare you to his ex and think you’re slightly less beautiful and delightful? Or is it just that you’ll have to face the constant reminder that you two have loved other people, and you find that unbearable? Identify what it is, and talk to your boyfriend about it. Not in the context of an ultimatum, but just in an effort to share your feelings and work together to see if there’s anything he might be able to do to reassure you. Requesting understanding and comfort is reasonable in a relationship and won’t lead to resentment, unlike demanding that he cut off his best friend.
In addition, try to remind yourself of the fact that anyone you date or marry could fall in love with someone else, or could have an ex who they still think is amazing—and just about everyone will have had past relationships that you’ll become aware of at some point. Would you rather deal with that in the context of a partnership with someone like this guy, who is an open book and emotionally mature, or someone who has more or a reason to conceal their past connections and present feelings?
Basically, I worry that the jealousy you’re experiencing is going to follow you to your next relationship, and it could land on anyone: A future partner’s coworker, a trainer at his gym, or sister-in-law who makes you feel inadequate. You’re better off trying to get to the source of it and heal it than you are pressuring your boyfriend to change his lifestyle to minimize it, or ending the relationship because you can’t tolerate it. That’s not going to be easy. But the reward will be marriage to someone you think is great, a friendship with someone you also really like, and most importantly, a feeling of peace.
Dear Prudence Uncensored
“You can’t (without a ton of work and therapy and maybe being hypnotized or some kind of psychedelic healing journey) change the way you feel.”
Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.
Dear Prudence,
I love my husband and am attracted to him, but I feel like I’ve run out of patience for a new insecurity he can’t stop talking about. He’s starting to go bald. I honestly do not care if he has hair or not, but he does. His hair loss isn’t a shock because his dad and both grandads are also bald. But he worries about it all the time, asks me about whether it looks different, obsesses over whether hair fell out in the shower, asks me to take daily pictures from the back and more. I would estimate we have 120 minutes of hair related reassurance conversation per week.
We’re raising kids and working and maintaining a hobby together, but we spend so much time talking about his hair. He’s usually a confident guy, so this is new. I suggested he make a dermatology appointment because it can be treated, but that made him more upset. I know that insecurities are hard and god knows I have my own body worries, but I’m sick of this topic. It’s fixable, and I’m starting to feel like a therapist. We have an otherwise wonderful marriage, but I’m so tired of this. How can I politely but firmly get him to either treat it or stop harping? He’s sexy with hair, and he’d be sexy bald, as long as he wasn’t talking about it constantly.
—Lost Patience
Dear Lost Patience,
A six-step plan:
– Reiterate that you’re attracted to your husband and don’t care about the hair or lack thereof.
– Reassure him that you know he does care very much about it, and that it’s really stressing him out.
– Tell him why the excessive time dedicated to discussing the issue is hard for you. Specifically, what are you not doing or not talking about or not enjoying as you both focus on his head?
– Explain that you don’t feel you’re being helpful by having these exchanges, but you would like to do something to improve the situation by doing the research on possible treatments, reading reviews of providers, and making him an appointment to do whatever it takes to get his hair back.
– Say you really hope he’ll take you up on this offer, again, not because you care about the hair, but because you want him to be able to enjoy and participate in your life together without this distraction.
– Explain that if he won’t let you look into potential solutions for him, you want to place some limits on baldness content—for example, you’ll only discuss it in the mornings before work, and you’re only going to take two pictures a week.
How to Get Advice
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for roughly four months, and we live in a small town. When we started, I was very physically attracted to her: She was in shape, and is a wonderful person. As a result, I began getting in shape, and I’m very proud of my accomplishments and feel way better about myself, yet she has resigned to “she gets fluffy in winter months and it’s not a big deal.” But it is to me. While I still love her personality, I am not attracted to her. She makes little to no effort about changing her diet, etc. I don’t want to be physical with her.
—Am I Shallow?
Dear Am I Shallow,
I don’t know that you’re shallow, or that it even matters much whether that label applies to you. You’ve been in this relationship for less than half a year and you’re not married. You can simply break up if you, for whatever reason, aren’t feeling the connection you hoped you would. And that’s exactly how you should explain it, as kindly as possible, with no hurtful references to weight. Easy.
The tougher part will be figuring out how to move forward. This experience has taught you that four months’ worth of winter fluffiness can totally kill your attraction to someone. That’s not a crime and it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person, but it’s going to make a long-term relationship—in which age, illness, pregnancy, and changed habits very often mean people put on pounds over time—tough to maintain. I suppose you could look for someone who indicates that they have an obsessive, lifelong dedication to fitness, but even that doesn’t guarantee that their body will stay the same—what if they’re injured or have to take a medication that causes weight gain?
With all that in mind, it might be smarter to seek out emotional connections that are a bit stronger and deeper. So the feeling you’re looking for is not just, “She has a good personality,” but “I love the person she is so much that she would be attractive to me even if her physical appearance changed.” If you feel like this, your relationship will be able to withstand a little movement on the scale. More importantly, it will be happier and healthier and more rewarding in the many, many, moments in a shared life that have nothing to do with how your partner looks.
Dear Prudence,
I need some perspective. I (a gay man) just got married! It was a small ceremony on a shockingly perfect day, with my closest friends and my husband’s family. My immediate family lives on the other side of the continent from me and did not attend. My mother has mobility issues and was scared of traveling. One of my siblings is deeply religious and did not attend for moral reasons. I did not expect them to attend, but they sent a lovely message explaining their perspective and what it meant to them. My other sibling has always been the center of their own universe with everyone else revolving around them. They have not been in contact with me to even respond to the invitation, and they have not been in touch since the wedding. My sister didn’t reply to the invitation, didn’t even tell me she wasn’t coming to the wedding (my mother passed the information on to me), and did not ask me anything about the wedding in the lead up to it.
Meanwhile, my husband’s family, my new in-laws, are deeply religious, conservative, and fantastic. They all traveled here and were an integral part of the celebration. What I am most annoyed by are two things. My husband and I are not on social media, no Facebook, Insta, or whatever. We had a no cell phone policy at our wedding. My sister, who had yet to get in touch with me regarding the wedding, posted about it on Facebook. From what I’ve been told, it’s getting lots of thumbs-up and comments, WTF? The second thing, the dinner was at 7 p.m., my sister called at 7:10 p.m., knowing full well that we were having a cell phone free wedding (my ringer was on for logistics). At this point, I feel incredibly angry and hurt, and I don’t want to talk to my family again let alone return my sister’s call. After spending time with my new in-laws, I feel like my family might be assholes. Am I overreacting?
—Are They the Assholes?
Dear ATA,
Not at all. I can excuse the Facebook post because people have different (and weird) relationships with social media, and your sister sharing whatever she shared with her network of friends and colleagues and middle school classmates doesn’t really affect you. But as a group, these people have let you know loud and clear that you aren’t important to them. I can tell you’re a generous and patient person because you received a letter saying “I’m not attending your wedding for religious reasons” as “lovely” rather than homophobic. So I’m sure you’ve extended a lot of patience and understanding to your relatives already. Take all of that and redirect it to your new in-laws, who are at least doing the basics of having a relationship by communicating with and showing up for you.
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been casually dating a man for the past three months, and we recently attended an event with several of my former colleagues. The man I’m seeing has some intersecting social circles with my colleagues. While at this event, he informed me that a woman I know gave her number to him. She’s in a committed, live-in relationship with another former colleague. Since my relationship is new, we have not yet been vocal to this broader group about exploring and enjoying each other’s company, so I don’t really have any leverage on my end. On her end, however, she is in a committed relationship. Should I broach the topic with her partner and inquire as to whether they have an open relationship? Am I being old-fashioned to feel that she should not be sharing her number to other men while she is committed? It’s worth noting that this woman has a track record of infidelity and misbehavior.
—Murkily Suspicious
Dear Suspicious,
No! You have nothing to gain here other than alienating and pissing off people in your social circle. You are not the infidelity police, no one owes you information about their “misbehavior,” and you should be focusing on your own relationship—including the expectations you have for your casual, still-secret dating partner and whether they allow for getting phone numbers while he’s out.
Classic Prudie
Three months ago, my wife and I had a calm disagreement over whether we should start a family. A few nights later, I replayed the conversation in my mind and got extremely angry about it. I went into the bathroom, flushed her birth control pills down the toilet, left the empty case on the counter, and then went back to bed. When I woke up in the morning, I was ashamed of myself, but I knew she had already seen what I’d done. She never confronted me about it but has displayed strange behavior since then.
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